May 31, 2008

TOP TEN MOVIES OF ALL TIME

SKIPPY HARRIS TOP TEN MOVIES OF ALL TIME


I was reading the internet the other day and came across something that got me very angry. There is some stupid institution named the American Film Institute which lists the top 100 movies of all time. Can you believe this?

The internet has brought us a lot of neat things, but this is ridiculous. This is why people want to ban the internet. I mean how can an institute even watch a movie?

The only thing I ever see in movie theaters are people, not institutes. This gets me so mad I want to break Tupperware into many pieces, but this is almost impossible. Believe me, I have tried tons of times.

As you know, I love movies. I have seen so many movies in my life that my eyes hurt. My eyes hurt so much that sometimes they bleed just like that Bon Jovi song.

I would say I have seen over a million movies in my life, maybe more. I know more about movies than anyone I have ever met. Therefore I am going to give you my TOP TEN MOVIES OF ALL TIMES. This list is the definitive list of movies. Bar none.

10. FOLLOW THAT BIRD
A must see for aspiring filmmakers. I tell this to film students everywhere I go to speak. "If you want to make it in Hollywood, see this movie," I say.

Whenever I talk to filmmakers I also like to have a cup of water nearby because my throat is so dry from the damn heat. Sometimes it is so hot out that old people die.

This is probably one of the best special effects movies ever in the world. Most of it's probably over your heads, but "Follow That Bird" was the first movie to use CGI. That stands for Computer something something. Technically, it has to do with computers. Even though I have a computer, it is so hard I don’t know how to do CGI.

It's pretty much basic knowledge in Hollywood circles that both George Lucas (Star Wars) and Steven Spielberg (E.T.) did something important on this movie. Film historians point to this as their first big break.


9. SNOW DOGS

I normally don't like political movies, but this movie goes down as one of the greatest ever. I saw this opening night and remember chanting "Who Let The Dawgs Out" for an hour straight in line. I also yelled "Attica" for a little bit too.

I was so hoarse from yelling at the screen that I had to be rushed to the hospital. I think I was in the hospital for either three or ten days, I am not sure which. When I was in the hospital it was like the scene in “Ray” when Ray Charles (played by Jamie Lee Curtis) was in rehab.

All that was going through my head while I was in the hospital was mean thoughts about James Coburn. He’s the guy who played Thunder Jack. I will not repeat those thoughts but they involved using Jack Daniels, a shovel, Ketel One Vodka, a wig, a three hole punch, an upside down cake, a karaoke machine and a super soaker. Oh man, what I would do to him with those objects, especially after how he treated those poor dogs. Damn you, James Coburn.

This movie has so many good dogs in it. There is Diesel, Scoops, Nana, Yodel, Sniff, Mack, Duchess and Demon. Cuba Gooding Jr. made each of these dogs better actors. It is a testament to his acting ability. To act with dogs you have to learn something called the Meisner technique. It's pretty obvious that Gooding studied this for a long time.

I don't know if they let any of the dogs go to the movie premiere, but if they didn't, Hollywood really needs to reexamine its values. That would have been a shame because without those dogs there would only have been a movie about snow. And most people do not like snow.

For the record I wouldn't want to sit next to a dog in the movie theater. The one thing about dogs in movie theaters is they are always barking. That’s why I never go to a movie theater that allows dogs in it. And I’m not talking about ugly chicks. If you are an ugly chick, you know who you are.


8. BEACHES

Bette Midler is a total MILF. She is hottest lady in the world, even hotter than Liza Minelli who is hotter than the sun. I wouldn’t ever want to visit the sun because it costs too much money. And once I got there, what the heck would I do? They don’t have any arcades or gyms so it would be stupid to go there. I know one thing about the sun that is the total truth – we get a lot of our heat from there.

Bette Midler reminds me of the desert because she is so hot. When you see “Beaches” you will know what I mean.

This movie has a lot of talking in it. It is a good make out movie as well. You could probably make out for the whole movie and not miss anything important.

Most chicks love Bette Midler so I had to put this on my list. When I am picking up chicks at a bar, bowling alley or a fruit stand, I like to tell them that “Beaches” is my favorite movie even though it is really Number 8. This pick up line always works because most girls like smooth talkers. It also works because girls aren’t that smart.


7. YENTL

I saw this movie when I was about 9 yrs. old and I remember crying my eyes out. I cried for days and nights. I haven’t seen this movie since then, but there must have been something good about it for me to cry that long.

But that's not why this movie is in my top ten movies of all time. I chose "Yentl" because it has Robert Redford in it. A lot of people think I look like him and that rules. I’ve picked up tons of chicks pretending to be him. They come up to me at the church or craft store and say, “Excuse me, but are you…” and I reply, “Yes, it’s me Robert Redford.” Then I’ll autograph his name on a bible or knick knack.

I’ll tell you this, looking like someone famous is one of the best things I could have done in my life.

6. BLACK KNIGHT
What could be better than sending a black man from the present day back to medieval times? It’s comedy gold and one of the best movie premises I can remember.

A lot of people wrote off Martin Lawrence for being crazy. He totally proved them wrong when "Black Knight" came out.

I would write more, but I am at work and my boss just found out what I am doing. He wants me to erase these movie reviews, but I am going to make a back up copy and write more later. I’m also going to trash my boss bad in future movie reviews. And mark my words, he will never see a movie with me again.

If anyone knows employment law, let me know. I think what he did counts as intimidation and blackmail. He was all up in my grill saying that my reviews don’t constitute work and that by writing these I was insulting him and the firm.

5. THE REAL CANCUN
I chose this movie because I thought I was in it. I was in Cancun one time and I remember doing bad things like body shots, a hard body contest and getting stuck in the waterslide at Senor Frogs. The whole week was a total blur. I was a funnel monster.

At the time I was heavy into C & C Music Factory and Ace of Base. I was so drunk that one morning I woke up in a taxi cab next to a Mexican clown. I don’t remember how I got there. Luckily he gave me a balloon. Afterwards, I remember thinking, wouldn’t it be great to get this all on video.

The reason why this movie is timeless is because college kids are crazy when they go on Spring Break. They do awesome things like drinking, partying, wet t-shirt contests, vomiting, fighting with fists and swords, dancing and tons of sex. A lot of times these college kids have sex with people they will never meet it again. This is amazing.

Another reason this movie is so great is because of the writing. It is realistic and stuff. Also, if you like traveling to exotic locations you will learn a lot about Cancun. I bet a lot of travel agencies show this movie to their customers.


4. FIRST WIVES CLUB

This movie deals with one of the most sobering topics ever. Three women find out their husbands have dumped them for younger women. So they decide to form a club to get back at their ex-husbands.

When you start putting women together that spells trouble. They start spending money, gossiping and spending lots of time in women’s bathrooms. I’ll admit, I have heard many women talk but usually I am not listening to what they are saying. This is what happened to the men in the movie too.

As a group, I would have to say that men need to be prepared for this. Women could be assembling right now to trick us and spend our money. I am calling on all men to see this movie and learn from it. I think a lot of this movie is historically accurate and is probably based on actual events. They definitely need to show this to kids in our schools.

Women are so tricky these days. They could probably get me to see "The Vagina Monologues", watch something like “Friends” or “Sex In The City” and even go to a Hillary Duff concert.


3. SIMON BIRCH

This is definitely Jim Carrey’s best movie ever made. I like to watch this movie in the winter with an afghan draped over my shoulder.

I’m not sure why the studios didn’t make Simon Birch action figures. I think they would be a big hit in the toy market. I bet kids today would buy them and bring them to school and have them fight. I don’t know if Simon Birch knew karate, but he is probably a good fighter. This would be a good premise to follow up with in a sequel – to see Simon Birch doing karate and maybe killing some terrorists.

Older people like myself would probably just put the action figures in an expensive display cabinet. I wouldn’t use a Simon Birch action figure to fight unless I was really drunk because I wouldn’t want to ruin it.


2. GOOD BURGER

Mondo Burger vs. Good Burger is probably the greatest rivalry in movie history. It is like Ali vs. Frazier, Celtics vs. Lakers, Yankees vs. Red Sox.

I have been following Kenan and Kel even before they were huge stars. Their show on Nickelodeon was so off the hook it was crazy. One of the things I loved in this movie is when Kel is in the milkshake machine. I always dreamed of being in one of those things. Right before my eyes, Kel was living my dream. It was one of the most magical movie moments in my life. When I saw this I was motivated to drink milkshakes all day for the rest of my life.

I used to live in LA for a long time until I found out they weren’t making a “Good Burger 2”. Hollywood is so stupid. They don’t get the formula. Go with what works. That is why Eisner should be fired, He’s the guy who runs Hollywood. He never made “Good Burger 2” and that will be his legacy. Shame on him.

Every time I ate at McDonald’s or Burger King or In N’ Out I always wondered what was their secret. “Good Burger” answered all of those questions and more. It is the best burger movie ever made.


1. COUNTRY BEARS

This probably comes as a shock to no one. I stood in line for three weeks without food or water waiting for “Country Bears” to open. The line was over a mile long and there was such a buzz surrounding this movie it was historical

I know all the songs and all the bears by heart. I heard a statistic that about 85% of weddings have a Country Bears song as the actual wedding song. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. If I were getting married, I would choose “Bear Mountain Hop” for its good beat and message.

It’s also pretty obvious that Zeb Bear is my favorite, even though Beary Bear is the one who brings the Country Bears back. You still have to give Beary Bear major props for that. "Country Bears" is a story of fighting for everything you believe in even when your back is against the wall.

In the movie, everyone said the Country Bears were done, but Beary Bear believed in the Country Bears. He helped them save Country Bear Hall. I heard a statistic that Country Bear Hall is like the 2nd or 3rd most visited tourist site in America. I am not surprised at this in the least. Who wants to go to a park like Yosemite and get eaten alive by a pack of coyotes or tigers. Not me.

After the success of "Country Bears", I hope they have a reality show like "American Idol" but with bears. I don't know if bears would be allowed to vote because they don't have phones. That's why you have producers. They figure the difficult stuff like that out on their own. If they have a Country Bears concert afterwards I would be the first to go. It would be at least double the size of those Live Aid or Woodstock concerts but without the drugs.

2 comments:

Jesse said...

These reviews are exactly what I'm looking for, when I want to know where to spend my hard earned money! Thanks Skippy Harris

Pari said...

You're quite the idiot savant Skippy.