POWDER (1995)
I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.
This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.
If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)
I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.
Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.
People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.
A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.
People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.
A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.
DOUBT (2008)
At first I didn’t think this movie was real, but after renting it from Netflix I will never ever question its existence. That is how powerful it is.
INCEPTION (2010)
Last night I dreamed I saw this movie which saved me the hassle of seeing it in real life.
I hope to harness this power to allow me to watch and review all movies in my dreams in the future. Next up will be “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.”
I would also like to dream I have a million dollars, maybe even more. But that would require dreaming about finding a duffle bag that can hold all that money which I don’t think I can do because I’ve never seen a duffle bag that big.
So I guess this is proof you should never dream too big because even if I had a million dollars I wouldn’t have anywhere to put it which means money is pretty much useless.
BROKEN FLOWERS (2005)
I wanted to see this movie because I don't like flowers. They are for sissies and cry babies. I've had a blood feud against flowers for a long, long time. The one thing in the world that makes me happy is broken flowers. That is why I knew I would enjoy this movie so much.
My mom and dad always made me plant roses in the yard when I was young. I can remember so many thorns sticking in my sides and hands. I was a human porcupine and that is a medical fact.
I prepared for this movie by listening to Dr. Dre's "The Chronic." I put it on repeat and just kept bobbing my head and throwing my hands in the air. I was in the zone. I couldn't believe it.
The last time I was in the zone like that I went to Dairy Queen two weeks ago and downed 8 blizzards in a row. My head felt like it was going to freeze to death but I didn't even care. Why? Because I was in the zone.
Unfortunately, this movie has nothing to do about destroying flowers. I know the easiest way to destroy flowers is to shoot guns at them.
I tried to buy an Uzi sub machine gun once but I guess they are illegal where I live. I wrote to my senator and told him I could probably mow down tons of flowers and plants with an Uzi.
Flowers are everywhere and they hurt me so bad that it hurts. Just like love. I'd like the JJ Geils Band to sing a power ballad about flowers, love and Uzi sub machine guns.
I never got to see this movie because I asked the cashier if there were in fact any broken flowers in this movie. She said no, it is about a man who is trying to find his son. I immediately stopped her. I told her I don't want to see a remake of "Benji Come Home" with humans.
I then told her she could keep her stupid movie ticket. The cashier lady said something in Spanish to me so I threatened to deport her if she said anything else. I don't know if I could have legally deported her, but she stopped talking.
We then had a stare down in the lobby of the movie theater. It felt so intense just like the Wild Wild West. Man, I felt like Buffalo Bill Cody. If only I had a six shooter and a ten gallon hat. We could have had a Mexican stand off. It was just like out of that show "Deadwood."
I've never seen that show, but I know it is about cowboys, Indians, gold and horses. They had a lot of stare downs back then over serious stuff like beer and money. I don't have a lot of money, but I know that 80 percent of my body is probably made up of Natty Light and grain alcohol. And if I was alive in the Wild Wild West everyone would want to kill me because of all the beer I had inside of me.
As far as this movie goes, I did get to see the poster. It has the man, Bill Murray, on it. I'm going to write him and ask him if he can tell me exactly what "Broken Flowers" is about. That way I can write a movie review about it.
GONE BABY GONE (2007)
Any movie about abductions hits home for me.
I have been abducted three times, twice by aliens.
The other time was by my mother who made me go shopping with her. Any time you have to go shopping with a woman it is worse than being held hostage by aliens and having probes stuck in your brain.
That is because women have no concept of time or money. Neither of these grow on trees, but women think they do.
If there was a tree made of money don’t you think I would be climbing it every day? I’ve only climbed one tree in my life and it was when I was six-years-old. I ended up breaking my leg and spleen.
When I got healthy I ended up taking an axe to that tree and cutting it down. I have never derived so much pleasure in my life than the moment when that tree came crashing to the ground.
That is why revenge is so sweet.
Next up on my revenge list are the aliens and my mother, especially if they try to abduct me again.
