MAD MAX: FURY ROAD MOVIE REVIEW

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

As the best movie reviewer of all time, I need my eyes. Without them I can’t watch movies. That’s why I’m not blind!

My eyes are precious and I will bet you anything that Obama and Congress knows this. I can feel it in my heart.

That is why I am so disappointed in “Mad Max: Fury Road.” It is all about dust which can be very, very damaging to everybody’s eyes. Even though I wore my ski goggles to watch this movie I did not feel safe and ended up walking out.

A lot of optometrists are very mad at this movie because no one likes dust, dust particles or sand to get in your eyes. This is why no one lives in the desert. I learned that in geography class in second grade!

And this is the reason Max is so mad. He is always getting sand in his eyes. He’s not the only one who is mad. I am also mad because I had to wear ski goggles to this movie. And even then it was not enough. Many times I ducked for cover when I seen the sand storm coming. A lot of times I closed my eyes.

This is very irresponsible of the filmmaker because I did not feel safe. I was yelling for help a lot and I ended up walking out. I am very upset about this. But don't worry my eyes are okay now. 

THE INTERVIEW MOVIE REVIEW

THE INTERVIEW (2014)

I don’t know what is Hollywood’s big problem, but I am furious! I never thought I would say this, but because of them I have to go to North Korea.

Now I’m trying to learn how this Indiegogo thing works just so YOU can pay for my trip overseas. That’s right, you, my fans, have the opportunity to send me to North Korea so I can finally watch “The Interview” and review it.

I’m not sure how this happened, but I read somewhere that North Korean leader King Jong-un forbade Hollywood from showing this movie in America. He is the main star in the movie and only wants his countrymen to see it and if anyone in the U.S. sees it they will be killed. And there could even be a war!

I don’t care about these threats. As a movie reviewer, I have a major job to do.

That’s why I need you to send me some money. Please! If you do I will give you the following incentives:

·        $100 – You win a free pillow fight with me

·        $500 – We get to eat 17 pounds of popcorn while watching reruns of “That’s So Raven”

·        $1,000 – You get a lifetime membership to my company Rewind and I will personally rewind any of your VHS tapes for free

So what are you waiting for? Send your checks in the mail!

Now!

When you do I will start the process of getting a passport and trying to convince my parents to let me out of their basement and letting me go to North Korea.

The passport is the easy part. They are a dime a dozen and you can buy them in Times Square from what my friend Jesse told me. And booking a flight to North Korea is easy because you can do that on Southwest.

But without your money I can’t go anywhere. Heck, I can’t even go to the fudge store or even the movies unless my parents start increasing my allowance. 

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY MOVIE REVIEW

THE HOBBIT (2012)

Without Peter Jackson short people would never have jobs. They owe him a debt of gratitude they can never, ever repay.

If you think about it short people can’t do much of anything which is why kids are such a nuisance. That’s why it is so surprising Peter Jackson not only casts them in movies, but actually gets them to do stuff.

Pretty much every short person I know is always asking me to lift them up so they can see. Once I lift them up they ask if they can sit on my shoulders for a little while. I can’t count how many times I’ve had shoulder surgeries because of this. That’s why I’m so glad about Obamacare. Instead of having my parents perform those surgeries I’ll finally be able to have a real doctor do them.

Neither of my parents know anything about medicine, but to save money they’ve replaced my shoulders and shoulder bones multiple times with Legos and cool things like that which never break. 

Usually I’m awake during those surgeries in case my parents have questions on where they should cut.

The other reason why this movie rocks so hard is because of the soundtrack. In the past Peter Jackson has used composers who play boring classical music that no one ever listens to. But this time he used my favorite singer Psy.

Psy is the Asian Justin Bieber. He can do no wrong and is probably going to be our next president. As you all know I have sent letters to everyone in government to see if they can replace the national anthem with Gangnam Style. How awesome would it be to do Gangnam Style before every sporting event? I know we’d win every Olympics!

And that’s why "The Hobbit" is doing so good in the box office. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when all the hobbits have a dance off with the orcs and dragons at the end to Gangnam Style my head literally exploded. It was no big deal and the ushers didn’t care because my head is always exploding so they just got a broom and dust pan and swept it up.

Luckily, they gave me my head back so I could write this and tell everyone in the world to go see "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey."

PROMETHEUS MOVIE REVIEW

PROMETHEUS (2012)

I seen the first five minutes of this movie and walked out. It is a blatant slap in the face to people like myself who don’t shower and hate water with a passion.

Showering is overrated and unless you’re bleeding or have open wounds there is no need for it. Whatever. Obviously the filmmakers have an agenda. 

Since when did filmmaking have to become political? 

I hate water so bad I don’t even drink it! If you’re drinking water you’re drinking nothing and are a stupidhead. Why would you drink nothing when there is more awesome stuff to drink like Cherry Coke and root beer floats with chocolate ice cream in it? 

A lot of people think the same way and they all walked out of this movie. If you did, you didn’t miss anything. 

I know this because I read a horrible movie review that liked "Prometheus" because it is about aliens. I would never want to see this because every day when I go to the bathroom it is like I’m giving birth to an alien. And when I’m done I flush those aliens down the toilet just like this movie.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE REVIEW

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

What a bunch of lies. I am sick of this!

This movie is utter-deceitful and hurtful. I am crying so bad. My eyes are falling out of my head.

I have known many apes in my life and never once - NEVER, EVER - have they escaped from their cages or zoos.

You should all be ashamed of yourself, Hollywood. Stand up and be accounted for. Listen!!

I can no longer think straight because this movie makes me so upset.

The apes I KNOW ride unicycles and hold a banana up to their ears when the phone rings. Why was that not in this movie?

This film is atrocious. It missed the point. Audiences wants to see apes doing cartwheels and maybe scratching their armpits.

It is evident that the apes in this movie were put on some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and forced to do very bad things. These are things that are so unmentionable - like punching humans and destroying vehicles and bridges - that I will not even mention them.

I know why the apes did this too - for money and fame. But the one thing I know is that money and fame can only get you so far. Money and fame will not get you the things you need like the xBox 360 or a pizza party or front row tickets to the Jenny Jones Show. Those are things you have to earn and by the looks of this movie that will never happen.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy Harris' views towards apes should not be confused with his views towards monkeys which he loves.

THOR MOVIE REVIEW

THOR (2011)

This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.

I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.

I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.

I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).

That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.

And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.

This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.

INCEPTION MOVIE REVIEW

INCEPTION (2010)

Last night I dreamed I saw this movie which saved me the hassle of seeing it in real life.

I hope to harness this power to allow me to watch and review all movies in my dreams in the future. Next up will be “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.”

I would also like to dream I have a million dollars, maybe even more. But that would require dreaming about finding a duffle bag that can hold all that money which I don’t think I can do because I’ve never seen a duffle bag that big.

So I guess this is proof you should never dream too big because even if I had a million dollars I wouldn’t have anywhere to put it which means money is pretty much useless.

TOY STORY 3 MOVIE REVIEW

TOY STORY 3

My friend Jessman called me an hour before this movie was showing to ask if I wanted to go see it.

I told him it was my duty to go because of my job as a professional movie reviewer. Also, I am at the top of my game and I told Jessman I want to ensure I remain the king of the industry.

But now I wonder if I ever should have gone in the first place. Jessman was driving very, very fast and blasting WASP’s Greatest Hits at loud levels.

I told him to calm down and then he told me to calm down.

At that point I was crying and asked him to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. He wouldn’t pull over so I puked all over his face and his car, especially his leather seats. He wanted me to clean it up, but I couldn’t because I was so sick. He told me I was lying, but to prove it I puked all over his face again.

I have never puked that many times and now am in the hospital. I puked 27 times which the doctor said was a world record. I hope I can get into the record books for puking because I’ve never held any world records in my life and my family would be very proud of me.

GREEN ZONE MOVIE REVIEW

GREEN ZONE (2010)

I’ve been to many St. Patrick’s Day parties in my life and they are the true definition of green zones with so many green hats, green shirts and green beer. Once or twice I have seen green underwear, but they were not mine and they wouldn’t fit me because they were women’s underwear.

This movie does not have any green in it. At least from what I’ve seen although I do admit that I am color blind so maybe my eyes played tricks on me.

But I don’t think so because my eyes have always been reliable. And one time I had a girl in fifth grade say my eyes were nice. Nice eyes do not lie, especially in my book.

And furthermore all green shirts say one of two things: “Kiss Me. I’m Irish!” or “Feeling Lucky?” with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it. Not once did I see Matt Damon or any of the other actors in this film wearing any shirt like this.

Instead they were wearing army fatigues which I know are not green.

THE BOOK OF ELI MOVIE REVIEW

THE BOOK OF ELI (2010)

If you are a New York Giants fan you can not be pleased with this movie, especially since your star quarterback went out and wrote a book in the middle of the season.

Needless to say Eli Manning has a lot of explaining to do.

The one question I have for him is this: What is more important to you – football or writing books?

This movie pretty much answers that question. Because of his mixed up priorities Eli Manning ruined his team’s chances of getting into the playoffs.

What he has done is besmirched the game and whoever the commissioner of football is needs to think about banning him for a year. Maybe even for life. This is serious.

His teammates probably can’t stand the sight of him and vomit into trash cans repeatedly. If I were Eli I’d be careful because the other Giants players are probably waiting to whip him in the showers with rolled up towels. I hope it stings and leaves a red mark on Eli’s thigh.

Maybe one day he will learn his lesson: you don’t write a book until you are retired and very old and have nothing better to do with your time. Those are the people who write books. Not people who are supposed to be throwing football passes to teammates for touchdowns.

Instead Eli fumbled the ball, big time on this one, which is why he’ll never play another game again.

AVATAR MOVIE REVIEW

AVATAR (2009)

I’m not an eye doctor, but if I was I would recommend everyone go see this movie right away.

It probably won’t fix your vision, but at the least you will be able to see everything in 3-D which is the best thing around town.

The awesome thing about 3-D is that it is like everything is coming at you – pots, pans, pants, Oreo cookies, you name it – but it will never hit you.

If I could fight someone in 3-D I would because I would never get hurt.

And then there wouldn’t be any doctors to charge you astronomical bills for medical care. And that would eliminate stupid lawyers from suing those doctors. Some of this stuff deals directly with health care and what Barack Obama wants to do. He wants everyone to have 3-D glasses, but a lot of Republicans don’t want that.

If you read the health care bill this is the type of stuff that is in it.

I wish they would all just throw away their partisanship and come together on this one issue. This is about what is right and what is wrong.

Because if everyone has 3-D glasses then we will never have to go to the hospital again. And that is the kind of hope and change we can all get behind.

(If you agree with this message please print it out and send it to your local congressman and tell him to support universal 3-D glasses).

THE ROAD MOVIE REVIEW

THE ROAD (2009)

There are a bunch of scenes in this movie where the main characters hide. I counted at least two scenes, but there may be more because they were probably hiding so well that I couldn’t see them.

Luckily the main characters never get caught because they are awesome at hiding.

That’s why I’m recommending this movie to every kid in the entire world. It will make them that much better at the best kid’s game ever – Hide-and-Seek – which stinks for anyone trying to find them.

2012 MOVIE REVIEW

2012

I don’t know why everyone is in such a rush to see this movie. It doesn’t come out for another three years and that is when I’m going to see it.

ZOMBIELAND MOVIE REVIEW

ZOMBIELAND (2009)

Sometimes the title of a movie says it all.

“Zombieland” says to me that this movie is going to be about a land full of zombies.

I’ll bet anything, even my aunt’s dentures and my uncle’s glass eye, that I’m right. And if I’m not right I’m pretty sure my aunt and uncle will be very mad at me.

Editor's Note: How did Skippy come to this conclusion? He took the Latin roots of the word Zombieland – “zombie” and “land” – and used that as the basis of this movie review. Zombie in Latin means a dead person who is not dead, while land in Latin means a big piece of property you can walk on like America or Mississippi or Luxembourg.

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION MOVIE REVIEW

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION (2007)

My mom won't let me watch this movie because it is rated R.

Until I do I can only imagine what this film is about. If it is anything like the video game you guys probably already know that I lost in the second level and got rushed to the hospital with a broken thumb because I played it 17 hours straight.

AMERICAN GANGSTER MOVIE REVIEW

AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007)

When I was in eighth grade I played laser tag for my birthday. It was the worst birthday of my life. I lost to Uncle Ray who has one leg, and his daughter/my cousin, Samantha, who has glaucoma of the eyes.

I'm not sure how they won, but I assume they paid someone off.

After that birthday I realized if I ever was a cop I would have a desk job. That is because you can never get shot at a desk job. And more importantly you can never lose at laser tag.

Cops on the streets have tons of guns. They are always shooting people and pit bulls, but sometimes they get shot themselves.

That is what I thought UNTIL I saw “American Gangster.”

Now I realize that in order to be a cop you only need to know how to take pictures.

There are so many scenes in this movie of cops taking photos of criminals meeting other criminals. I counted five total, but I may be wrong. In my book that is a lot of picture-taking.

In order to prepare for this movie I know that Russell Crowe took photography lessons. I would like to see his work. I bet it is just like Ansel Adams, but without all the stupid scenery.

One of my favorite scenes in “American Gangster” is when Crowe is looking at a bunch of his photographs that are on a corkboard. He gets up and moves a few pictures around. I couldn't believe it. It was intense.

Another amazing scene is when Crowe sees Denzel Washington standing outside his car. He pulls out a camera and takes a picture.

Part of me just wanted Denzel to turn around and take a picture of Crowe. It would be like a stand off without the guns. They would be taking photos of each other until they ran out of film.

The most dangerous part of a camera standoff would be the flash. Looking into the flash could damage your eyes forever. That is why everyone wears sunglasses, especially cops.

I don't think cameras can kill anyone unless it is a camera with a bullet in it. I have never been shot with one of those cameras. If I did I would probably be dead.

THE DARJEELING LIMITED MOVIE REVIEW

THE DARJEELING LIMITED (2007)

I saw this movie with Janet, a 53-year-old woman my grandmother set me up with. They know each other from a bridge group that gets together at the local church.

I don’t know much about bridge, but I do know this: never let your grandmother set you up on a date, especially with a 53-year-old woman with four kids, a bad cough and itchy skin.

The date was a nightmare. Janet’s skin kept falling into my popcorn, she coughed in my ear and her kids kept tapping me on the shoulder asking me what everything meant.

To make it worse, Janet claimed she had lived in India (where this movie supposedly takes place) for three years of her life. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I find it highly implausible that any sane person would ever want to live in India. They don’t drive cars there, only elephants. They don’t have paved streets, only sand.

And most importantly their food gives you gas. One time I ate at an Indian restaurant and I had gas for three days straight. I had to go to the doctor who gave me a pill that tightened me up. I liked that.

Now I wish there was a pill to get Janet to stop calling me. I would like that even more.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL MOVIE REVIEW

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (2008)

Stephen Spielberg should be ashamed of himself. Over the past month I challenged him on chat rooms and message boards all over the Internet to a winner take all Battle Royal in the parking lot of the local cineplex.

He didn’t show. Surprise, surprise.

This is proof positive that Spielberg is all talk. Everyone knows Spielberg is overrated and better than nothing.

If he did show I was planning on grabbing him by the beard and never letting go. That beard is one of the reasons so many critics despise the man. I know for a fact that there are probably insects in his beard. What a disgrace.

Here are some other reasons, based upon research, that people are fed up with Spielberg:

1. He hates aliens. All of his movies (E.T., Color Purple, Hook and Munich to name a few) are just provoking aliens to attack us which means he will be to blame if any of us get abducted or worse.
2. He has never appeared on American Idol, yet continues to have music in his movies. That is a double standard.
3. Supposedly he is short although I can’t tell when I see him on TV. If he is short that is all the more reason to not go to an amusement park with Spielberg.
4. I bet his glasses are not even prescription which makes me sick to my stomach. It makes you wonder why he’s hording all these eyeglasses for himself.
5. He is the worst swimmer in the world. I’ve never seen him in a pool or doing handstands or playing Marco Polo. You tell me: is this the type of person you want over your house right after you slipped and hit your head on the diving board, fell into the pool, were gasping for breath and asking for help?
6. No one ever dresses up as Spielberg for Halloween. His costume ranks dead last in sales, far behind the top grossers like Jabba the Hutt, Bernie Madoff and Mariah Carey.

This last one is the nail in the coffin for me. If no one wants to be you for Halloween then there is a big big problem. It tells me that people refuse to give Spielberg candy especially on the greatest night of the year when candy is free. This makes me wonder why Spielberg is always eating it.

I intend to find out.

And when I do I will take his candy from him and give it to the masses, but most of it I'll probably eat myself.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS MOVIE REVIEW

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009)

I am so happy because I broke one of the great world records while watching this movie: longest time anyone has ever held in their pee (a non-wind aided 1 hour, 45 minutes and 37 seconds).

It was amazing and afterwards I got a standing ovation from people in the movie theater. There were a lot of tears and hugging and I sent my picture into the local newspaper.

I was asked to give a speech to my fellow movie patrons and I thanked my parents, my brother Twiggy Harris, and my friends for their support in making my dreams become a reality.

But I also used the moment to inspire others that great things can happen if you believe. It may not happen overnight, it may take months or even years, but it can happen. You just have to want it bad enough that you can taste it.

GI JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA MOVIE REVIEW

G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA (2009)

Everyone knows that Barack Obama does not want terrorists to see “G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” because it is giving them a lot of ideas to destroy the world like photon gamma rays and steel suits.

If these gamma rays and steel suits got into the wrong hands it would mean the end of everything as we know it. Even civilization.

And if that happened I am not sure where I would go. Right now I’m looking on Expedia and Travelocity for options, but they are limited.

I assume Cancun is the only safe haven because a lot of terrorists go there for Spring Break. They love booze cruises, foam parties and wet t-shirt contests.

Some of the nicer terrorists like to snorkel as well.

That’s why sometimes these terrorists get a bad rap. They like to do the same things as you and me, but usually with explosives.

For example: You and I like to go running. Terrorists enjoy a nice run as well, but usually with a backpack full of grenades and bombs.

I’ve never been hit with a grenade or a bomb before, but I bet it would hurt.

My educated guess is if this happened I would be out of work for at least two weeks. Multiply this by double or triple if I was hit with a photon gamma ray and a steel suit.

And that is the real reason Obama does not want terrorists to see this movie. He can not afford for me to be out of work for more than two weeks.