THE FIGHTER MOVIE REVIEW

THE FIGHTER (2010)

This movie is so stupid! It’s not about a fighter. It’s about a boxer. Obviously the director and screenwriter and actors never graduated from kindergarten. Get a clue!

THE KING'S SPEECH MOVIE REVIEW

THE KING’S SPEECH (2010)

If you live in America you will never ever be able to see this movie thanks to our forefathers and Barack Obama.

We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.

When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.

Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.

Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.

This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.

I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me Jefferson’s dog peed on it. I don’t doubt it because some dogs are peeing everywhere. Gross. Please clean up after your dog!

In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.

One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the United States an endless supply of catapults and flaming arrows. This has rendered all kings powerless.

So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in America kings are not allowed to make speeches because (1.) no one cares (2.) they could be ordering a secret beheading of all Americans.

The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.

This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.

I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.

Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.

THE BLIND SIDE MOVIE REVIEW

THE BLIND SIDE (2009)

I’ve never played football in my life because it is a stupid sport played by a bunch of dumb jocks who are not entrepreneurs like me.

But my friend Michelle convinced me to go see it. She has never played football either because girls aren’t allowed to by law. But she was a cheerleader in high school and so of course she likes football players because they are always walking around town with their shirts off.

If my dreams ever come true and I own a store that sells gum I will have a sign on the windows that read “NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS ALLOWED.” Unfortunately, most football players can’t read so it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Unlike me, Michelle thinks football players are smart especially those that are blind. I don’t know how many blind people play professional football, but she told me this movie was about the first player to ever do it.

That is why about 30 minutes into the movie we walked out. Not once did they show anyone who was blind. And if they did it was probably an extra in the background.

Every one of the football players in The Blind Side can see, yet the studios keep touting this as heroic movie about a blind person who overcomes the odds to play in the NFL.

Whoever that blind player is should see this movie so he discovers how Hollywood has once again distorted the truth.

AMELIA MOVIE REVIEW

AMELIA (2009)

When you can finish off 18 buckets of popcorn while watching one movie there are only two words to describe it: Popcorn Flick.

That pretty much sums up Amelia.

CAPOTE MOVIE REVIEW

CAPOTE (2005)

If you like people with funny voices then this movie is for you. This man has an even funnier name - Truman Capote – which is obviously fake.

When Capote was in college he couldn’t get into bars because he was always getting carded by bouncers. That is when he got a fake ID with that fake name on it.

I know because it happened to me. My fake ID name is Dick Tator, but I can’t use it anymore because the police confiscated my license.

I have a major inkling that this Truman Capote was a sneaky Pete before he got his fake ID. He probably had his fraternity brothers sneaking him into bars through the back door. Or they probably paid off the bouncers to get him into a dance club. I know this just by looking at his face. He is a weasel.

Even though he is a weasel he has a lot of friends because he has a really bad lisp and smokes like a waitress at IHOP.

His friends are always asking him to talk and talk. The great thing about him is that he does.

That is why Truman Capote is so awesome. I would invite him to my birthday parties and have him talk about nothing.

Think about it. Whenever you go to a party the best part is when someone inhales helium balloons and starts talking. Bar none. Truman Capote is a walking and talking helium balloon. That is how he made all his money. His agent billed him as the Human Helium Balloon.

After the party, I would bring this Capote guy to some lecture hall and have him read the Declaration of Independence. People would be rolling in their seats and kind of getting a history lesson at the same time.

Then I would have him appear on television and declare war on some country. No one would believe him and if they did at least they wouldn’t be scared because any guy with his voice is not scary.

Other things he would be perfect for include, but are not limited to, doing play by play for the Minnesota Timberwolves and being the ring announcer for WWE wrestling matches.

Truman Capote’s voice is an untapped resource in our country. Only three people I know have good voices. They are: Clay Aiken, Mickey Mouse, and Burt Reynolds. Thanks to this movie Truman Capote is now on that list.