AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER MOVIE REVIEW

AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER (1998)

With all apologies to "The Waterboy" and "Rookie of the Year", this is the greatest sports movie ever made.

A lot of people I know have dogs. Even my parents! But I've never seen any of those dogs catch a football, let alone score a touchdown. Most dogs just drool and sleep and eat and chew bones and bite mailmen.

Buddy (AKA Air Bud) is different and one of the best players ever - better than dumb Tom Brady or dumb Peyton Manning or dumb Barry Sanders. This is the TRUTH!!

Buddy is so fast and has four legs and no one can tackle him. He knows every play and is awesome! In the movie Buddy does it time and time again. If you are serious about football and making it to the pros you will watch this movie every day like I do!

That's why the Russians want Air Bud bad and they try to kidnap him because they want Buddy to play on their national team and win the Super Bowl from the Americans. Luckily for America, Buddy escapes. This cemented Buddy's legacy as a national treasure.

I think the commissioner of the NFL Roger Goodell needs to realize this. And he needs to rethink his policy about dogs and let them in the league. NOW! Otherwise the NFL will continue to be a sham and everyone knows it!

If all goes well I think dogs will be playing in the Super Bowl next year and one of them will win the MVP. When that happens we will have Air Bud - the greatest football player to ever play the game - to thank. And that will be a touchdown for all of us. 

BIG MIRACLE MOVIE REVIEW

BIG MIRACLE (2012)

Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you shake your head and scream, "What on Earth were you thinking, Hollywood?"

"Big Miracle" is the first movie to do that to moviegoers in 2012.

It had so much promise, but fell so flat.

Everyone loves whales, but come on! We've all seen them swimming and doing jumps and making stupid noises under the water that make no darn sense to anyone except Leonardo DiCaprio.

Where director Ken Kwapis and his team missed the mark is that they did not take that extra leap of faith to make this movie what it could have been: GREAT.

I know a ton of crap about the movies. That's why I know I'm not the first person to think that "Big Miracle" should have been combined with "The Grey" to make a super rocking movie about wolves fighting whales.

When I was in fourth grade I spent a lot of time debating with my friends which animal is the strongest. Some said tigers. Others said sharks. My dumb teacher, Mr. Madjarevic, said the platypus, but the platypus doesn't even have teeth. You can't beat up anyone without teeth. Just ask Mike Tyson!

I disagreed and said the wombat was the toughest animal alive because it is deceptively strong and agile, but I was young and so naive. After watching "Kangaroo Jack" on the big screen I now realize the kangaroo has it all: intestinal fortitude, courage and major jumping ability.

Of course the only way to settle this argument is to have the animals go head-to-head in a winner take all battle royale. If I owned a zoo that is what I would do. I'd throw the llamas into the polar bear cage with the winner facing the sea turtle.

Combining "Big Miracle" with "The Grey" would have gone a long way to settling the dispute because everyone knows whales and wolves are the fiercest competitors alive.

I am sweating through my Simon Birch pajamas just thinking about a wolf jumping onto the back of a whale.

Would the wolf bite the whale into submission or would the whale knock the wolf unconscious with his tale and then do a super jump onto the wolf's head?

If the wolf dragged the whale onto land I'm pretty sure he would win, but if the whale forced the wolf into an underwater duel he would win.

Also, where does Liam Neeson fit in? He is a great coach.

I'm not sure what side I'm on, but I'd love to wear a half-wolf, half-whale T-shirt that glows in the dark. I think a lot of ladies would fall in love with me if I did.

COOL RUNNINGS MOVIE REVIEW

COOL RUNNINGS (1993)

This movie is about a major snowstorm in Jamaica that happens because God or someone powerful like the President of the United States wants Jamaicans to be good bobsledders.

Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.

Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.

Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in Jamaica ever four years. It is very hard to get tickets, but if you do make sure to go to the ice hotel. It is a hotel made entirely of ice and where all the Olympic athletes stay. I saw it on the Discovery Channel by accident.

I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.

TOY STORY 3 MOVIE REVIEW

TOY STORY 3

My friend Jessman called me an hour before this movie was showing to ask if I wanted to go see it.

I told him it was my duty to go because of my job as a professional movie reviewer. Also, I am at the top of my game and I told Jessman I want to ensure I remain the king of the industry.

But now I wonder if I ever should have gone in the first place. Jessman was driving very, very fast and blasting WASP’s Greatest Hits at loud levels.

I told him to calm down and then he told me to calm down.

At that point I was crying and asked him to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. He wouldn’t pull over so I puked all over his face and his car, especially his leather seats. He wanted me to clean it up, but I couldn’t because I was so sick. He told me I was lying, but to prove it I puked all over his face again.

I have never puked that many times and now am in the hospital. I puked 27 times which the doctor said was a world record. I hope I can get into the record books for puking because I’ve never held any world records in my life and my family would be very proud of me.

NACHO LIBRE MOVIE REVIEW

NACHO LIBRE (2006)

As many of you know this movie is based on a true story of one of the greatest luchadors of all time: Nacho Libre.

Once this movie came out, Nacho Libre went into hiding because he could not deal with the newfound fame. Everyone wanted a piece of him: the paparazzi, the beautiful females and awesome sponsors like Cool Ranch Doritos, Taco Bell and the Federales.

No one knew where Nacho Libre is. Until now.

A good friend of mine told me Nacho Libre is now a college student at Georgetown. He saw him at a frat party while in Washington D.C. last weekend.

Nacho fell over eight times, the last onto a table, breaking it in half. As he lay on the ground, Nacho yelled, “I do not need balance.”

While his wrestling skills have since diminished, apparently Nacho is now really good at beer pong and eating pizza.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL MOVIE REVIEW

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2009)

I went to see this movie to put me in the Christmas spirit, but right now I’m really ticked off and want to fight Christmas with both my fists and my arm.

I don’t care if I have to take a Christmas tree and jump on top of it and throw it against the wall and roll all over it – I am ready to take no prisoners.

Also, such things as Christmas wreaths, Santa hats and red and green holiday M&M’s have been put on red alert. I will kick them when they are down, strangle them hard and will mix it up with them. I’m known as a grappler around town. That is the truth.

Even though I’m very mad the one thing I still love is the truth. And the truth is what I want.

It began when we got out of the car and it started to pour out and my hair was being ruined. Whoever made it rain will have hell to pay. I don’t know who it is, but he should not have done it.

Then we get inside and my mom and dad and brother made me pay for them because they conveniently forgot their money and credit cards at home.

Apparently I am made of money even though I don’t have a job. I’m Mr. Money Bags even though I’m not a Mister, don’t have money and don’t own any bags.

So it wasn’t enough that I bought them tickets to the movies, but I had to buy them popcorn, Skittles, an ice cream bar, a large Sprite and two large Diet Cokes. Luckily they didn’t charge me for the napkins, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if they did because that is why this movie is so bad.

When “A Christmas Carol” started I realized I had seen it before. I’m not sure where but it may have been somewhere else. With other actors or even puppets.

I know this to be true because the movie seemed very familiar like it had been in black and white and is shown every year on television. Or even it could have been in color on television.

I know you are thinking I’m crazy, but I’m not because I recognized some of the names being mentioned in the movie like Scrooge, Marley, Bob Cratchit and the ghost of Christmas present.

Anyway, that is what this movie is about.

Now I’m at home fuming over my credit card bill and am seriously in debt. Thank you, "A Christmas Carol." I hope you are happy. Get lost, loser.

SPICE WORLD MOVIE REVIEW

SPICE WORLD (1997)

I lost a stupid bet to a stupid friend named Stupid Henry who made me watch this stupid movie and write a stupid movie review.

This movie is so stupid it is stupid. I don’t care about stupid spices or a stupid world made up of stupid spices, but apparently Stupid Henry does.

The name of this movie should be called Stupid Spiceworld because I think it is stupid.

If you don’t think it is stupid you are stupid. And you should be friends with Stupid Henry so you two can watch this stupid movie together.

And if you don’t like that you can cry like the stupid babies you are.

THE GAME PLAN MOVIE REVIEW

THE GAME PLAN (2007)

Note: This review was written before this movie ever hit theaters solely using the movie trailer, marking a first in movie review history.

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days in my life. The lemonade stand I started two weeks ago is officially out of business.

It happened at 9:48 AM. I know the time because that is what it says on the police report. That is when three cruisers arrived at Dump Road and ordered me to shut down my illegal operation.

Apparently I need a permit to sell thirst-quenching drinks – drinks that the public wants bad by the way. Over the past two weeks I had so many people honking their horn and waving to me. It was clearly the best two weeks of my life. If you ever have experienced the thrill of people honking and waving at you, you know what I mean.

I told the police "whatever" and I downed a whole gallon of lemonade in their face. I then walked three miles to my house carrying my parents folding table, a lawn chair, professionally designed posters hand drawn by me, my cash register and a table cloth on my back.

I stopped to go to the bathroom five times. A lot of people honked and waved at me then too. It was awesome.

So now I am out of a job again and my parents aren't happy. I counted all the money I made in two weeks and it is $9.32. For some people that is a year's salary so I should be excited, but it won't get me into the movie theater anytime soon.

The local theater near my house just raised their ticket prices to $10 per person so unless I find a way to come up with 68 cents there is no way I will be able to see a movie again in my life.

But this does not mean I will ever stop doing movie reviews. I know Hollywood fears me, but I can not let that or my lack of an income stream stop me.

Luckily my parents are rich and can afford to pay for cable. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do my first review of a movie that is not even in the theaters yet. When you reach my level of career success, the industry will let you do that. It is what insiders like me call an advanced screening.

This is a major sign that shows my readers I have finally arrived. My talent is being recognized by the powers that be on a national level.

Last night I was able to see a movie trailer for The Game Plan. I'm pretty sure I know everything about this movie from watching only a minute of clips edited together.

This movie is about football and the Rock. If you don't believe me, I suggest you shut your face and see this trailer immediately if not sooner.

IMAGINE THAT MOVIE REVIEW

IMAGINE THAT (2009)

When people ask me, Skippy Harris, the most extreme movie reviewer in the world, whether they should see a certain movie, I always say:

If you want to go to see this movie, you should.

On the other hand if you don't want to go see this movie, you shouldn't.

And that is how I feel about "Imagine That."

UP MOVIE REVIEW

UP (2009)

This is the movie the airline industry does not want you to see.

Why? The simple answer is this – follow the money.

The complicated answer – and I never thought I would say this – is that balloons are a much cheaper option than planes when it comes to traveling.

I will admit I am not made of money although sometimes I wish I was because then I could buy anything and everything like a glow in the dark rollercoaster or a flying trapeze for my back yard.

But I’m not rich and neither are you. Which is why I don’t do a lot of traveling… until now.

After watching “Up” I learned you don’t need to buy an airline ticket to go around the world.

All you need is about $75 worth of balloons and an old man – preferably retired – who has nothing better to do than blow them up for you. You can usually find these men in nursing homes or bingo halls. I am in the process of staking those places out as we speak.

When finished, you can either attach the balloons to your house or a sturdy chair at which point you are free to go wherever you want.

I’m not sure where I will go when all my balloons are blown up, but I can assure you this: it will be a land of awesomeness and amazing things. There is no doubt about that.

Name one airplane that can take you there. I can’t.