February 27, 2012



Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you shake your head and scream, "What on Earth were you thinking, Hollywood?"

"Big Miracle" is the first movie to do that to moviegoers in 2012.

It had so much promise, but fell so flat.

Everyone loves whales, but come on! We've all seen them swimming and doing jumps and making stupid noises under the water that make no darn sense to anyone except Leonardo DiCaprio.

Where director Ken Kwapis and his team missed the mark is that they did not take that extra leap of faith to make this movie what it could have been: GREAT.

I know a ton of crap about the movies. That's why I know I'm not the first person to think that "Big Miracle" should have been combined with "The Grey" to make a super rocking movie about wolves fighting whales.

When I was in fourth grade I spent a lot of time debating with my friends which animal is the strongest. Some said tigers. Others said sharks. My dumb teacher, Mr. Madjarevic, said the platypus, but the platypus doesn't even have teeth. You can't beat up anyone without teeth. Just ask Mike Tyson!

I disagreed and said the wombat was the toughest animal alive because it is deceptively strong and agile, but I was young and so naive. After watching "Kangaroo Jack" on the big screen I now realize the kangaroo has it all: intestinal fortitude, courage and major jumping ability.

Of course the only way to settle this argument is to have the animals go head-to-head in a winner take all battle royale. If I owned a zoo that is what I would do. I'd throw the llamas into the polar bear cage with the winner facing the sea turtle.

Combining "Big Miracle" with "The Grey" would have gone a long way to settling the dispute because everyone knows whales and wolves are the fiercest competitors alive.

I am sweating through my Simon Birch pajamas just thinking about a wolf jumping onto the back of a whale.

Would the wolf bite the whale into submission or would the whale knock the wolf unconscious with his tale and then do a super jump onto the wolf's head?

If the wolf dragged the whale onto land I'm pretty sure he would win, but if the whale forced the wolf into an underwater duel he would win.

Also, where does Liam Neeson fit in? He is a great coach.

I'm not sure what side I'm on, but I'd love to wear a half-wolf, half-whale T-shirt that glows in the dark. I think a lot of ladies would fall in love with me if I did.

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