BREAKIN' MOVIE REVIEW

BREAKIN’ (1984)

Whoever named this movie is a horrible man. Breaking anything is a bad thing. Promoting the act of breaking anything is even worse.

Sometimes when you break something you get hurt, bad. One time I was chasing after a girl I liked, but she did not like me. That is why she was running real fast and yelling, “Help!”

Some people call that stalking, but I call it love. Well, this time love lost out and now I have a restraining order out against me. The icing on the cake? I broke my leg by tripping over a sewer grate.

Breaking your leg is not fun. It hurts, especially when you don’t have health insurance. If that happens to you, I recommend buying a lot of ice and putting it on your leg. Do not, I repeat, do not go to Mexico. The doctors in that country will cut your leg off and sell it on the black market. Believe me, I know because it happened to me.

Other things I have broken include my mom’s snow globe because I wanted to see if there was real snow inside. There isn’t any snow in those globes and I have written a letter to the manufacturer to complain about false advertising. I have yet to hear from them, but you know they will be hearing from my lawyers.

I have broken many, many hearts of the opposite sex. I estimate the number is in the low millions, but I stopped counting after 73 because my head was about to explode. I took three aspirin after that and it stopped my head from exploding.

One time I broke the law, but no one ever caught me. When I got home though, my mom knew from the look on my face that I did something wrong so she whooped my butt real bad.

I broke the handle to the toilet once. That was not a pretty scene. Water and other things I can’t mention was everywhere. I lost my favorite pair of socks walking in that stuff.

You name it, I have broken it. Water bottles, bananas, shoelaces, candy corn, paper, river rafts, fool’s gold, a dinosaur exhibit at the Smithsonian, a model airplane my dad worked on for three weeks, promises (only three times though) and a fingernail.

That is why I do not recommend this movie, no matter what. Every time I have broken something, it has ended badly, not just for me, but for the entire world.

THE PRODUCERS MOVIE REVIEW

THE PRODUCERS (2005)

I saw "The Producers" with my friend Lyle who has narcolepsy. He slept through 87 minutes of the movie. I woke him up three times because he was snoring and once because he was drooling.

When it was over, I I asked him how it was and he said, "Good. I really liked it." I don't know how he knew the movie was good but I was impressed. If you can sleep through more than three-quarters of a movie and still have an opinion on it, then you know exactly how Hollywood works.

That is why "The Producers" is the must see movie of the year. But if you see it, I recommend sleeping through the first half because you are probably not missing much.