AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER MOVIE REVIEW

AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER (1998)

With all apologies to "The Waterboy" and "Rookie of the Year", this is the greatest sports movie ever made.

A lot of people I know have dogs. Even my parents! But I've never seen any of those dogs catch a football, let alone score a touchdown. Most dogs just drool and sleep and eat and chew bones and bite mailmen.

Buddy (AKA Air Bud) is different and one of the best players ever - better than dumb Tom Brady or dumb Peyton Manning or dumb Barry Sanders. This is the TRUTH!!

Buddy is so fast and has four legs and no one can tackle him. He knows every play and is awesome! In the movie Buddy does it time and time again. If you are serious about football and making it to the pros you will watch this movie every day like I do!

That's why the Russians want Air Bud bad and they try to kidnap him because they want Buddy to play on their national team and win the Super Bowl from the Americans. Luckily for America, Buddy escapes. This cemented Buddy's legacy as a national treasure.

I think the commissioner of the NFL Roger Goodell needs to realize this. And he needs to rethink his policy about dogs and let them in the league. NOW! Otherwise the NFL will continue to be a sham and everyone knows it!

If all goes well I think dogs will be playing in the Super Bowl next year and one of them will win the MVP. When that happens we will have Air Bud - the greatest football player to ever play the game - to thank. And that will be a touchdown for all of us. 

THE FIGHTER MOVIE REVIEW

THE FIGHTER (2010)

This movie is so stupid! It’s not about a fighter. It’s about a boxer. Obviously the director and screenwriter and actors never graduated from kindergarten. Get a clue!

COOL RUNNINGS MOVIE REVIEW

COOL RUNNINGS (1993)

This movie is about a major snowstorm in Jamaica that happens because God or someone powerful like the President of the United States wants Jamaicans to be good bobsledders.

Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.

Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.

Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in Jamaica ever four years. It is very hard to get tickets, but if you do make sure to go to the ice hotel. It is a hotel made entirely of ice and where all the Olympic athletes stay. I saw it on the Discovery Channel by accident.

I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.

THE BLIND SIDE MOVIE REVIEW

THE BLIND SIDE (2009)

I’ve never played football in my life because it is a stupid sport played by a bunch of dumb jocks who are not entrepreneurs like me.

But my friend Michelle convinced me to go see it. She has never played football either because girls aren’t allowed to by law. But she was a cheerleader in high school and so of course she likes football players because they are always walking around town with their shirts off.

If my dreams ever come true and I own a store that sells gum I will have a sign on the windows that read “NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS ALLOWED.” Unfortunately, most football players can’t read so it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Unlike me, Michelle thinks football players are smart especially those that are blind. I don’t know how many blind people play professional football, but she told me this movie was about the first player to ever do it.

That is why about 30 minutes into the movie we walked out. Not once did they show anyone who was blind. And if they did it was probably an extra in the background.

Every one of the football players in The Blind Side can see, yet the studios keep touting this as heroic movie about a blind person who overcomes the odds to play in the NFL.

Whoever that blind player is should see this movie so he discovers how Hollywood has once again distorted the truth.

NACHO LIBRE MOVIE REVIEW

NACHO LIBRE (2006)

As many of you know this movie is based on a true story of one of the greatest luchadors of all time: Nacho Libre.

Once this movie came out, Nacho Libre went into hiding because he could not deal with the newfound fame. Everyone wanted a piece of him: the paparazzi, the beautiful females and awesome sponsors like Cool Ranch Doritos, Taco Bell and the Federales.

No one knew where Nacho Libre is. Until now.

A good friend of mine told me Nacho Libre is now a college student at Georgetown. He saw him at a frat party while in Washington D.C. last weekend.

Nacho fell over eight times, the last onto a table, breaking it in half. As he lay on the ground, Nacho yelled, “I do not need balance.”

While his wrestling skills have since diminished, apparently Nacho is now really good at beer pong and eating pizza.

THE GAME PLAN MOVIE REVIEW

THE GAME PLAN (2007)

Note: This review was written before this movie ever hit theaters solely using the movie trailer, marking a first in movie review history.

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days in my life. The lemonade stand I started two weeks ago is officially out of business.

It happened at 9:48 AM. I know the time because that is what it says on the police report. That is when three cruisers arrived at Dump Road and ordered me to shut down my illegal operation.

Apparently I need a permit to sell thirst-quenching drinks – drinks that the public wants bad by the way. Over the past two weeks I had so many people honking their horn and waving to me. It was clearly the best two weeks of my life. If you ever have experienced the thrill of people honking and waving at you, you know what I mean.

I told the police "whatever" and I downed a whole gallon of lemonade in their face. I then walked three miles to my house carrying my parents folding table, a lawn chair, professionally designed posters hand drawn by me, my cash register and a table cloth on my back.

I stopped to go to the bathroom five times. A lot of people honked and waved at me then too. It was awesome.

So now I am out of a job again and my parents aren't happy. I counted all the money I made in two weeks and it is $9.32. For some people that is a year's salary so I should be excited, but it won't get me into the movie theater anytime soon.

The local theater near my house just raised their ticket prices to $10 per person so unless I find a way to come up with 68 cents there is no way I will be able to see a movie again in my life.

But this does not mean I will ever stop doing movie reviews. I know Hollywood fears me, but I can not let that or my lack of an income stream stop me.

Luckily my parents are rich and can afford to pay for cable. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do my first review of a movie that is not even in the theaters yet. When you reach my level of career success, the industry will let you do that. It is what insiders like me call an advanced screening.

This is a major sign that shows my readers I have finally arrived. My talent is being recognized by the powers that be on a national level.

Last night I was able to see a movie trailer for The Game Plan. I'm pretty sure I know everything about this movie from watching only a minute of clips edited together.

This movie is about football and the Rock. If you don't believe me, I suggest you shut your face and see this trailer immediately if not sooner.

LEATHERHEADS MOVIE REVIEW

LEATHERHEADS (2008)

For those of you expecting one of my typical movie reviews, I apologize in advance.

I ended up getting a splinter in my finger on the way into the theater and spent the entire movie trying to get it out. I used my teeth, my key chain and my friend’s teeth. Nothing worked and there was blood everywhere.

If I was smart and knew a lot about medicine, I would have called 911, but I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking. The pain was too excruciating.

All I know is that when I saw George Clooney on the screen I wished I was him. Not because he is rich, eats healthy, dates beautiful women or has good hygiene, but because he never gets splinters.

I have never heard him speak out about the danger of getting splinters, the pain it causes you and your loved ones or how hard it is to type with a splinter in your finger.

I even did a Google search of George Clooney and splinters. It came up empty.

If I was George Clooney, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now – under the real risk of losing my finger and never being able to type a movie review again in my life.

Over the next few days I ask that you all pray for my finger or call George Clooney and ask for help. If that does not work and this is the end of the line, I just want to say it was a good run.

Editor’s Note: A week after this review was written the splinter in Skippy’s finger fell out on its own. Skippy is currently trying to get the splinter inducted into the Museum of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Please support this initiative by mailing the Academy at 8949 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, California 90211 and demanding they make Skippy’s splinter a feature attraction.