As you all know my parents won't let me get my driver's license until I turn 50 because there are so many crazy drivers out there. That's why they always put me in the back seat of their car in my own little booster seat with dozens of seat belts across my body and ropes around my hands and duct tape across my mouth.
This is proof that the road is a very dangerous place these days.
And that is why I was so skeptical about this movie. But once I watched "Drive" I realized that this is the one film that will change that by revolutionizing the way we drive automobiles.
I know for a fact that gear heads love this movie, but even young adults like myself who have super strict parents that don't allow their kids to get behind a steering wheel until they are full-on adults will find value in the positive message of this film.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that "Drive" is going to be shown in driver's ed classes throughout the world. There are a ton of helpful hints here for people who are learning the rules of the road.
My advice is before you apply for your learner's permit or driver's license is to watch "Drive" about 15 or 20 times and do everything that Ryan Gosling does in this movie. If you do the highways and byways of America will be a safer place for us all.
This movie is utter-deceitful and hurtful. I am crying so bad. My eyes are falling out of my head.
I have known many apes in my life and never once - NEVER, EVER - have they escaped from their cages or zoos.
You should all be ashamed of yourself, Hollywood. Stand up and be accounted for. Listen!!
I can no longer think straight because this movie makes me so upset.
The apes I KNOW ride unicycles and hold a banana up to their ears when the phone rings. Why was that not in this movie?
This film is atrocious. It missed the point. Audiences wants to see apes doing cartwheels and maybe scratching their armpits.
It is evident that the apes in this movie were put on some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and forced to do very bad things. These are things that are so unmentionable - like punching humans and destroying vehicles and bridges - that I will not even mention them.
I know why the apes did this too - for money and fame. But the one thing I know is that money and fame can only get you so far. Money and fame will not get you the things you need like the xBox 360 or a pizza party or front row tickets to the Jenny Jones Show. Those are things you have to earn and by the looks of this movie that will never happen.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy Harris' views towards apes should not be confused with his views towards monkeys which he loves.
I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.
This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.
If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.
I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.
Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.
People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.
A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.
People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.
A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.
I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.
These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.
Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.
So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?
This makes my stomach churn. Hollywood has officially jumped the shark. Apparently they are going for the lowest common denominator now. Saw off any part of your body and it’s worthy of a feature length movie?!
Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.
I met a cute girl at the bar the other night and we started talking about many cool things like extraterrestrials, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman.
After a while we ran out of things to say so we started talking about Ben Affleck and his receding hairline. She mentioned she saw “The Town” and that everyone died at the end of it.
For me that’s more than enough information to know this movie rocks hard core. This girl had a good head on her shoulders and could probably pass a lie detector test.
Now if I can just find more women to tell me the ending of movies it will make my job as a movie reviewer that much easier. And then I can concentrate on important things like finding the Yeti and uncovering the truth about Roswell.
Last night I dreamed I saw this movie which saved me the hassle of seeing it in real life.
I hope to harness this power to allow me to watch and review all movies in my dreams in the future. Next up will be “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.”
I would also like to dream I have a million dollars, maybe even more. But that would require dreaming about finding a duffle bag that can hold all that money which I don’t think I can do because I’ve never seen a duffle bag that big.
So I guess this is proof you should never dream too big because even if I had a million dollars I wouldn’t have anywhere to put it which means money is pretty much useless.
I’ve been to many St. Patrick’s Day parties in my life and they are the true definition of green zones with so many green hats, green shirts and green beer. Once or twice I have seen green underwear, but they were not mine and they wouldn’t fit me because they were women’s underwear.
This movie does not have any green in it. At least from what I’ve seen although I do admit that I am color blind so maybe my eyes played tricks on me.
But I don’t think so because my eyes have always been reliable. And one time I had a girl in fifth grade say my eyes were nice. Nice eyes do not lie, especially in my book.
And furthermore all green shirts say one of two things: “KissMe. I’m Irish!” or “Feeling Lucky?” with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it. Not once did I see Matt Damon or any of the other actors in this film wearing any shirt like this.
Instead they were wearing army fatigues which I know are not green.
If you are a New York Giants fan you can not be pleased with this movie, especially since your star quarterback went out and wrote a book in the middle of the season.
Needless to say Eli Manning has a lot of explaining to do.
The one question I have for him is this: What is more important to you – football or writing books?
This movie pretty much answers that question. Because of his mixed up priorities Eli Manning ruined his team’s chances of getting into the playoffs.
What he has done is besmirched the game and whoever the commissioner of football is needs to think about banning him for a year. Maybe even for life. This is serious.
His teammates probably can’t stand the sight of him and vomit into trash cans repeatedly. If I were Eli I’d be careful because the other Giants players are probably waiting to whip him in the showers with rolled up towels. I hope it stings and leaves a red mark on Eli’s thigh.
Maybe one day he will learn his lesson: you don’t write a book until you are retired and very old and have nothing better to do with your time. Those are the people who write books. Not people who are supposed to be throwing football passes to teammates for touchdowns.
Instead Eli fumbled the ball, big time on this one, which is why he’ll never play another game again.
There are a bunch of scenes in this movie where the main characters hide. I counted at least two scenes, but there may be more because they were probably hiding so well that I couldn’t see them.
Luckily the main characters never get caught because they are awesome at hiding.
That’s why I’m recommending this movie to every kid in the entire world. It will make them that much better at the best kid’s game ever – Hide-and-Seek – which stinks for anyone trying to find them.
My mom won't let me watch this movie because it is rated R.
Until I do I can only imagine what this film is about. If it is anything like the video game you guys probably already know that I lost in the second level and got rushed to the hospital with a broken thumb because I played it 17 hours straight.
I saw this movie by mistake. I thought "Sky High" was in the movie theaters, but it’s not out until next weekend. "Sky High" is going to be amazing. I am going to be the first to see it. I’m always the first to see everything out of my friends and family. I don’t even have to get permission to see it. I just do it. This is a total slap in the face to authority.
That’s why everyone is always jealous of me. I’m not a poser or faker. I don’t mean to brag, but I probably could get into Sky High if it was a real high school. I think some of my superhero features would be my hair, my good looks, my muscles and my brain. As a superhero I would probably just stay at home and shoot things with my superhero powers. I wouldn’t even need a maid because I’d be so fast at cleaning stuff up. Superheroes are always fast. That is one of their requisites.
My at home superhero outfit would probably just be my underwear and my Garfield nightshirt. I don’t think I could afford a real superhero outfit. They are overpriced and made by companies like Versace and DKNY. That’s why you don’t see a lot of superheroes on the streets these days. The costumes alone are like a zillion dollars. A zillion is ten times a billion.
One time I counted to ten thousand three hundred eighty-two. I stopped because my brain was going to explode. If your brain is ever going to explode, put your head in a bucket of ice for about two days. And also put Neosporin in your ears and eyes to block the explosion from happening. If you don’t have Neosporin, use cotton.
Here is how my superhero powers would be broken down:
HAIR
My hair is so amazing. I think if I tried, I could make it stick out straight and make it sharp as a razor blade. I’d shoot my hair into people’s necks. It could be like a poisonous blow dart and kill people instantly. Another thing my hair would do is make girls jealous. They would say "Wow, your hair is beautiful" and I could get girls to cut and brush my hair. Haircuts are so expensive these days that this would be an awesome super power.
GOOD LOOKS
Most women work in retail stores. This is because those jobs don't require much of a brain. When I walk into the store the first thing a chick would think is "Who is this hot guy?" As you know I look like a young Robert Redford. What my looks would do is shoot off this invisible ray that would penetrate a woman's skin and force her to be at my beckon command. I would only use this power for good things such as getting stuff for free in retail stores.
MUSCLES
I would use this to lift things like a car or a big building. You never know when you might need to do this, especially if you are stuck in traffic or running from the FBI.
BRAIN
I would use my brain power to get on TV shows like "Jeopardy" and "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I would answer the questions before they were even asked. I'd totally destroy that pompous jerk Ken Jennings. I'd tool on him during the commercial breaks and then show him up in final Jeopardy. I'd want to make him cry like a little baby.
I would be such an awesome superhero I'd probably need a sidekick. I'd probably hold auditions for my sidekick like "American Idol".
The judges would obviously be Judge Judy (legally, you have to have one real judge on a show like this), Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss. I think Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss would be cool to have as judges because they would fight more than Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Plus, Heidi Fleiss is an awesome speaker.
The only city I wouldn't hold auditions in is the Midwest because I've never heard of any superheroes coming from the Midwest.
I see the title of this movie and think only one thing: RIGHT ON!
Old people get so many perks in life, why should they get their own country?
They already have their own state, Florida. I went there five years ago with my parents and will never go there again. That state smells like a combination of cottage cheese and a nursing home.
When I got home from that trip, I did a lot of scientific research on old people and made an amazing list about why they are bad. I have never shown my parents this list because they are old.
This is the first time I am releasing this information to the public.
Why Old People Are Bad
1. They wear big hats
2. They never shower
3. They support railroads
4. They always use cash
5. They take forever in the bathroom and like to stink it up hardcore
6. They hate awesome things like Doritos, teeth and chocolate
7. Their hair and fingernails are always falling into my soup
8. They are always climbing ladders
9. There are so many of them
10. They are bad ice skaters
Now you tell me: is there anything good about old people?
I saw "Batman Begins" with my brother on Saturday night. It is about the comic book hero Batman.
I know that comic books are for babies, but I thought "Batman Begins" was awesome. There are so many fights in this movie it was unbelievable. When I got out I wanted to punch everything in the world.
Some of the things I punched include:
The air
My movie ticket
My brother in the arm. Now he has a mark on his arm and he was mad at me. We didn't speak at all on the ride home, but that is okay because I had mapquest directions so I knew how to get home anyway. Screw him, you know what I mean. Don't get mad at me because I am so strong. I told this to his stupid face.
A movie display of "Herbie: Totally Unloaded." I was so upset when I knocked this display over. This is a movie I want to see hard but now the movie manager has kicked me out of the theater for a few weeks. They wrote my name on some list of people banned from the movie theater. I had to apologize to some old lady who fell down because the display fell on her. The movie theater can reinstate me, but I need three references from people I know. It's sort of like the steroid rule in baseball, but only tougher. For my references I am going to use Dr. Sulis (my foot doctor), Stan and Cindy from next door and Sasha one of my ex-coworkers. He is from Yugoslavia and people love to respect foreigners. I bet he is probably a powerful diplomat.
Also, you will not believe this. Katie Holmes is in the movie. She is dating Tom Cruise who is a really old man. Many people are signing up to for the "Free Katie Holmes" movement. I don't know if petitions will help but I sent one around before the movie started and got almost 250 signatures. If you know where I can send this petition to please let me know.
Also, another thing about this movie is it is probably a good date movie. I saw about five couples making out next to me. Some of them were really going at it.
So there it is: "Batman Begins." Go see it if you dare to see it.
I never went to prom in high school and I'm glad I never did. Many of the girls in my high school had zits and wore braces. Making out with them was torture and medically unsafe so I decided it was safer to stay at home than risk serious injury.
After watching this movie on Friday with my parents, I realized just how right I was. I could have gotten my head chopped off or my body put into a trash compactor. Either way, it wouldn't have been a fun date.
Someone needs to talk to Vin Diesel soon because he is going bald. And it is pretty obvious why – he is driving too fast and too furious.
Now he is paying the consequences for it.
This is not the first time Vin Diesel has done this. He did it in Tokyo three years ago and he did it in LA in 2001.
I am one of the best drivers I know and that’s because I attended driver’s ed before I got my license. Somehow Vin Diesel skipped this step because one of the first things they teach you is that if you drive fast you will lose your hair.
He is out of control. I would never get in a car with him. He is not only a fast driver, he is a furious driver. He is a loose cannon and so reckless that he is jeopardizing every hair on his head.
That will cost him his career because there have never been any bald movie stars.
I know what you are saying – Telly Savalas was a bald movie star, but that comes with a major major asterisk. None of Telly Savalas’ movies ever made it onto the big screen.
To me Telly Savalas is a hack and a fraud. I have never been in a car with Telly Savalas, but I’m pretty sure you would need 12 seat belts just be safe with him because he is always jumping over canyons and river beds.
I bet Telly Savalas never stopped at stop signs and never used his windshield wipers when it rained. He is so irresponsible.
That is the same direction Vin Diesel is going in.
If I had a chance I would pull Vin Diesel aside and let him touch my hair and see how awesome it is.
If Vin Diesel wanted he could grab a strand, laminate it and use it as a bookmark. Or he could cut a lock of my hair off and keep it as a lucky souvenir. Or he could just brush my hair with his hands and feel the essence of awesomeness.
These are things that Vin Diesel needs to witness firsthand before it is too late and he goes completely bald.
