TOY STORY 3 MOVIE REVIEW

TOY STORY 3

My friend Jessman called me an hour before this movie was showing to ask if I wanted to go see it.

I told him it was my duty to go because of my job as a professional movie reviewer. Also, I am at the top of my game and I told Jessman I want to ensure I remain the king of the industry.

But now I wonder if I ever should have gone in the first place. Jessman was driving very, very fast and blasting WASP’s Greatest Hits at loud levels.

I told him to calm down and then he told me to calm down.

At that point I was crying and asked him to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. He wouldn’t pull over so I puked all over his face and his car, especially his leather seats. He wanted me to clean it up, but I couldn’t because I was so sick. He told me I was lying, but to prove it I puked all over his face again.

I have never puked that many times and now am in the hospital. I puked 27 times which the doctor said was a world record. I hope I can get into the record books for puking because I’ve never held any world records in my life and my family would be very proud of me.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL MOVIE REVIEW

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2009)

I went to see this movie to put me in the Christmas spirit, but right now I’m really ticked off and want to fight Christmas with both my fists and my arm.

I don’t care if I have to take a Christmas tree and jump on top of it and throw it against the wall and roll all over it – I am ready to take no prisoners.

Also, such things as Christmas wreaths, Santa hats and red and green holiday M&M’s have been put on red alert. I will kick them when they are down, strangle them hard and will mix it up with them. I’m known as a grappler around town. That is the truth.

Even though I’m very mad the one thing I still love is the truth. And the truth is what I want.

It began when we got out of the car and it started to pour out and my hair was being ruined. Whoever made it rain will have hell to pay. I don’t know who it is, but he should not have done it.

Then we get inside and my mom and dad and brother made me pay for them because they conveniently forgot their money and credit cards at home.

Apparently I am made of money even though I don’t have a job. I’m Mr. Money Bags even though I’m not a Mister, don’t have money and don’t own any bags.

So it wasn’t enough that I bought them tickets to the movies, but I had to buy them popcorn, Skittles, an ice cream bar, a large Sprite and two large Diet Cokes. Luckily they didn’t charge me for the napkins, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if they did because that is why this movie is so bad.

When “A Christmas Carol” started I realized I had seen it before. I’m not sure where but it may have been somewhere else. With other actors or even puppets.

I know this to be true because the movie seemed very familiar like it had been in black and white and is shown every year on television. Or even it could have been in color on television.

I know you are thinking I’m crazy, but I’m not because I recognized some of the names being mentioned in the movie like Scrooge, Marley, Bob Cratchit and the ghost of Christmas present.

Anyway, that is what this movie is about.

Now I’m at home fuming over my credit card bill and am seriously in debt. Thank you, "A Christmas Carol." I hope you are happy. Get lost, loser.

9 MOVIE REVIEW

9 (2009)

I decided not to go see "9" because I am hurting for cash and have to buy a new toothbrush.

If you are in the same boat, I recommend doing the same thing because your teeth are very important, especially after eating a bag of M&M's from Costco's in one day. Cavities suck.

If you have money and were able to see this movie please tell me how it was.

UP MOVIE REVIEW

UP (2009)

This is the movie the airline industry does not want you to see.

Why? The simple answer is this – follow the money.

The complicated answer – and I never thought I would say this – is that balloons are a much cheaper option than planes when it comes to traveling.

I will admit I am not made of money although sometimes I wish I was because then I could buy anything and everything like a glow in the dark rollercoaster or a flying trapeze for my back yard.

But I’m not rich and neither are you. Which is why I don’t do a lot of traveling… until now.

After watching “Up” I learned you don’t need to buy an airline ticket to go around the world.

All you need is about $75 worth of balloons and an old man – preferably retired – who has nothing better to do than blow them up for you. You can usually find these men in nursing homes or bingo halls. I am in the process of staking those places out as we speak.

When finished, you can either attach the balloons to your house or a sturdy chair at which point you are free to go wherever you want.

I’m not sure where I will go when all my balloons are blown up, but I can assure you this: it will be a land of awesomeness and amazing things. There is no doubt about that.

Name one airplane that can take you there. I can’t.