CAST AWAY MOVIE REVIEW

CAST AWAY (2000)

Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.

Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.

Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.

I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.

That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.

It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.

I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.

127 HOURS MOVIE REVIEW

127 HOURS

(Part Two)

I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.

These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.

Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.

So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?

This makes my stomach churn. Hollywood has officially jumped the shark. Apparently they are going for the lowest common denominator now. Saw off any part of your body and it’s worthy of a feature length movie?!

Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.

127 HOURS MOVIE REVIEW

127 HOURS

This movie is way shorter than the title suggests.

TRUE GRIT MOVIE REVIEW

TRUE GRIT (2010)

The only reason I went to see this movie is because I’ve been told countless times I have true grit. For the most part that is true although I still don’t know what true grit means.

But I know one thing: a lot of companies are looking to hire people with true grit. That is why I list true grit at the top of my resume.

I think Hollywood and the Coen brothers finally realized it was important to make a movie about true grit in order to get out of the recession.

I would say for like 90 percent of the movie there is a bunch of true grit going on, but the remaining 10 percent is not grit. A lot of critics will complain about this, but I’d like to concentrate on the grit I saw that was true.

There is so much true grit in this movie although it was not special effects. As someone who has true grit I can attest to that.

I don’t want to give away the ending (spoiler alert), but essentially there is true grit everywhere even on the horses which was a total shock to the system. But when it comes to true grit you can’t predict anything.

COOL RUNNINGS MOVIE REVIEW

COOL RUNNINGS (1993)

This movie is about a major snowstorm in Jamaica that happens because God or someone powerful like the President of the United States wants Jamaicans to be good bobsledders.

Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.

Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.

Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in Jamaica ever four years. It is very hard to get tickets, but if you do make sure to go to the ice hotel. It is a hotel made entirely of ice and where all the Olympic athletes stay. I saw it on the Discovery Channel by accident.

I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.