THE INTERVIEW MOVIE REVIEW

THE INTERVIEW (2014)

I don’t know what is Hollywood’s big problem, but I am furious! I never thought I would say this, but because of them I have to go to North Korea.

Now I’m trying to learn how this Indiegogo thing works just so YOU can pay for my trip overseas. That’s right, you, my fans, have the opportunity to send me to North Korea so I can finally watch “The Interview” and review it.

I’m not sure how this happened, but I read somewhere that North Korean leader King Jong-un forbade Hollywood from showing this movie in America. He is the main star in the movie and only wants his countrymen to see it and if anyone in the U.S. sees it they will be killed. And there could even be a war!

I don’t care about these threats. As a movie reviewer, I have a major job to do.

That’s why I need you to send me some money. Please! If you do I will give you the following incentives:

·        $100 – You win a free pillow fight with me

·        $500 – We get to eat 17 pounds of popcorn while watching reruns of “That’s So Raven”

·        $1,000 – You get a lifetime membership to my company Rewind and I will personally rewind any of your VHS tapes for free

So what are you waiting for? Send your checks in the mail!

Now!

When you do I will start the process of getting a passport and trying to convince my parents to let me out of their basement and letting me go to North Korea.

The passport is the easy part. They are a dime a dozen and you can buy them in Times Square from what my friend Jesse told me. And booking a flight to North Korea is easy because you can do that on Southwest.

But without your money I can’t go anywhere. Heck, I can’t even go to the fudge store or even the movies unless my parents start increasing my allowance. 

AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER MOVIE REVIEW

AIR BUD: GOLDEN RECEIVER (1998)

With all apologies to "The Waterboy" and "Rookie of the Year", this is the greatest sports movie ever made.

A lot of people I know have dogs. Even my parents! But I've never seen any of those dogs catch a football, let alone score a touchdown. Most dogs just drool and sleep and eat and chew bones and bite mailmen.

Buddy (AKA Air Bud) is different and one of the best players ever - better than dumb Tom Brady or dumb Peyton Manning or dumb Barry Sanders. This is the TRUTH!!

Buddy is so fast and has four legs and no one can tackle him. He knows every play and is awesome! In the movie Buddy does it time and time again. If you are serious about football and making it to the pros you will watch this movie every day like I do!

That's why the Russians want Air Bud bad and they try to kidnap him because they want Buddy to play on their national team and win the Super Bowl from the Americans. Luckily for America, Buddy escapes. This cemented Buddy's legacy as a national treasure.

I think the commissioner of the NFL Roger Goodell needs to realize this. And he needs to rethink his policy about dogs and let them in the league. NOW! Otherwise the NFL will continue to be a sham and everyone knows it!

If all goes well I think dogs will be playing in the Super Bowl next year and one of them will win the MVP. When that happens we will have Air Bud - the greatest football player to ever play the game - to thank. And that will be a touchdown for all of us. 

JACK AND JILL MOVIE REVIEW

JACK AND JILL (2011)

I never thought there would be a movie that could top "The Country Bears", but then "Jack and Jill" comes along and blows it out the water.

I saw this movie 39 days in a row until Dave Jarvis, the manager at the movie theater decided to stop showing it without input from die hard "Jack and Jill" fans like me.

I’m almost certain my parents were in total cahoots with Dave – just like they thwarted me from getting a tattoo of my new favorite movie characters (Jack AND Jill) on my ankle. What they don’t know is I drew it on my ankle myself with a Sharpie.

My parents are so UNFAIR!

No matter what they do they can’t stop me from loving the movie of the decade. I am predicting big, big things for "Jack and Jill" including a total sweep of the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Emmy’s.

Every time I watched it I caught something I missed the previous time. There are so many hidden gems in "Jack and Jill" it is amazing.

And the biggest gem of them all is Adam Sandler. If I could give him a basket of personal kudos I would. He wouldn’t have to water those kudos because kudos last forever.

Sandler proved to the critics that he is our generation’s Eddie Murphy.

I would not be surprised if the sequel to this movie starred only Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler. They have set the bar high for aspiring actors and created an industry unto its own.

Besides multiple sequels and prequels, I am already imagining a "Jack and Jill" clothing line, action figures, a Broadway show and amusement park. The future looks very, very bright indeed.

FORREST GUMP II MOVIE REVIEW

FORREST GUMP II

This movie hasn’t come out yet so there’s no reason for me to review something that I haven’t seen although I could if I wanted to.

THE HANGOVER PART II MOVIE REVIEW

THE HANGOVER PART II (2011)

If you saw the first Hangover you pretty much know what the message of this one will be – wild animals are pretty much the coolest things ever.

And if you get drunk there’s a pretty good chance you will cross paths with one. In the first movie Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug all find a tiger in their hotel room the night after they went out partying in Las Vegas.

I can only imagine riding on the back of a tiger down the street and waving my sword at all my enemies, especially every manager who has kicked me out of their movie theater and every motorist who has thrown tomatoes at my lemonade stand.

While I was very distraught there was no tiger in The Hangover II, there is something even better - a monkey. I’ve wanted a monkey since I was one-year-old.

Combined with a pet tiger, my life would be perfect with a monkey in the house. My monkey would play the drums and maybe do card tricks. I’d also want my monkey to dress up as a high-powered attorney and reenact scenes from the greatest court film ever made, My Cousin Vinny.

I’d also make my monkey a partner in my lemonade stand because who wouldn’t buy lemonade from a monkey? And if it catches one this will be one of the greatest financial models ever because behind every great business is a monkey.

COOL RUNNINGS MOVIE REVIEW

COOL RUNNINGS (1993)

This movie is about a major snowstorm in Jamaica that happens because God or someone powerful like the President of the United States wants Jamaicans to be good bobsledders.

Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.

Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.

Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in Jamaica ever four years. It is very hard to get tickets, but if you do make sure to go to the ice hotel. It is a hotel made entirely of ice and where all the Olympic athletes stay. I saw it on the Discovery Channel by accident.

I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.

TOY STORY 3 MOVIE REVIEW

TOY STORY 3

My friend Jessman called me an hour before this movie was showing to ask if I wanted to go see it.

I told him it was my duty to go because of my job as a professional movie reviewer. Also, I am at the top of my game and I told Jessman I want to ensure I remain the king of the industry.

But now I wonder if I ever should have gone in the first place. Jessman was driving very, very fast and blasting WASP’s Greatest Hits at loud levels.

I told him to calm down and then he told me to calm down.

At that point I was crying and asked him to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. He wouldn’t pull over so I puked all over his face and his car, especially his leather seats. He wanted me to clean it up, but I couldn’t because I was so sick. He told me I was lying, but to prove it I puked all over his face again.

I have never puked that many times and now am in the hospital. I puked 27 times which the doctor said was a world record. I hope I can get into the record books for puking because I’ve never held any world records in my life and my family would be very proud of me.

VALENTINE'S DAY MOVIE REVIEW

VALENTINE’S DAY (2010)

When I think of Valentine’s Day I think of one thing: spending way too much for roses, chocolates and jewelry to give to the woman of your dreams who will only rip your heart out by sleeping with another man.

That sums up this movie in a nutshell.

NACHO LIBRE MOVIE REVIEW

NACHO LIBRE (2006)

As many of you know this movie is based on a true story of one of the greatest luchadors of all time: Nacho Libre.

Once this movie came out, Nacho Libre went into hiding because he could not deal with the newfound fame. Everyone wanted a piece of him: the paparazzi, the beautiful females and awesome sponsors like Cool Ranch Doritos, Taco Bell and the Federales.

No one knew where Nacho Libre is. Until now.

A good friend of mine told me Nacho Libre is now a college student at Georgetown. He saw him at a frat party while in Washington D.C. last weekend.

Nacho fell over eight times, the last onto a table, breaking it in half. As he lay on the ground, Nacho yelled, “I do not need balance.”

While his wrestling skills have since diminished, apparently Nacho is now really good at beer pong and eating pizza.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS MOVIE REVIEW

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS (2009)

When I was in school I used to get yelled at by my teachers for staring off in space.

But apparently it is okay for people in the military to stare at goats. And then they can make a movie about it. Ridiculous.

I am sick of this double standard that is consistently applied to my life.

It happens every time so instead of writing a review of this movie I’m going to look outside my window for a few days.

And if I’m lucky I might see a goat. If I do I will say, “Get lost goat. You're in my way.”

“What are you looking at?” the goat would probably ask.

“Not you. I will never stare at you. I will throw an avocado at your dumb goat face,” I would reply.

And that would be an awesome opening scene if anyone ever wanted to make a movie about me called “The Man Who Stared Out the Window and into Space.”

BROKEN FLOWERS MOVIE REVIEW

BROKEN FLOWERS (2005)

I wanted to see this movie because I don't like flowers. They are for sissies and cry babies. I've had a blood feud against flowers for a long, long time. The one thing in the world that makes me happy is broken flowers. That is why I knew I would enjoy this movie so much.

My mom and dad always made me plant roses in the yard when I was young. I can remember so many thorns sticking in my sides and hands. I was a human porcupine and that is a medical fact.

I prepared for this movie by listening to Dr. Dre's "The Chronic." I put it on repeat and just kept bobbing my head and throwing my hands in the air. I was in the zone. I couldn't believe it.

The last time I was in the zone like that I went to Dairy Queen two weeks ago and downed 8 blizzards in a row. My head felt like it was going to freeze to death but I didn't even care. Why? Because I was in the zone.

Unfortunately, this movie has nothing to do about destroying flowers. I know the easiest way to destroy flowers is to shoot guns at them.

I tried to buy an Uzi sub machine gun once but I guess they are illegal where I live. I wrote to my senator and told him I could probably mow down tons of flowers and plants with an Uzi.

Flowers are everywhere and they hurt me so bad that it hurts. Just like love. I'd like the JJ Geils Band to sing a power ballad about flowers, love and Uzi sub machine guns.

I never got to see this movie because I asked the cashier if there were in fact any broken flowers in this movie. She said no, it is about a man who is trying to find his son. I immediately stopped her. I told her I don't want to see a remake of "Benji Come Home" with humans.

I then told her she could keep her stupid movie ticket. The cashier lady said something in Spanish to me so I threatened to deport her if she said anything else. I don't know if I could have legally deported her, but she stopped talking.

We then had a stare down in the lobby of the movie theater. It felt so intense just like the Wild Wild West. Man, I felt like Buffalo Bill Cody. If only I had a six shooter and a ten gallon hat. We could have had a Mexican stand off. It was just like out of that show "Deadwood."

I've never seen that show, but I know it is about cowboys, Indians, gold and horses. They had a lot of stare downs back then over serious stuff like beer and money. I don't have a lot of money, but I know that 80 percent of my body is probably made up of Natty Light and grain alcohol. And if I was alive in the Wild Wild West everyone would want to kill me because of all the beer I had inside of me.

As far as this movie goes, I did get to see the poster. It has the man, Bill Murray, on it. I'm going to write him and ask him if he can tell me exactly what "Broken Flowers" is about. That way I can write a movie review about it.

BLAME IT ON THE BELLBOY MOVIE REVIEW

BLAME IT ON THE BELLBOY (1992)

Have you ever been accused of leaving an empty carton of milk in the refrigerator by your mom? Or of eating the last of the Oreos and Doritos by your brother?

Have you ever been caught sleeping while at work?

Or maybe the local newspaper is hounding you because they think you threw eggs at your idiot neighbor’s house and toilet papered his car because he doesn’t give out Halloween candies for trick or treaters.

What about being ratted out by your supposed best friend for driving over his foot in your car as part of a high school prank?

Perhaps they claimed you were the one who pushed a young child onto the ground and out of line so you could get on the Batman Rollercoaster at Six Flags before anyone else.

None of these things can ever be blamed on you or me again thanks to this movie.

All you have to do is hire a bellboy which I am in the process of doing. It is sort of like buying a Russian bride, but only bellboys are in every country. I'm also not sure how romantic you can get with the bellboy, but I assume that's all in the fine print.

In some countries like Thailand or Nicaragua bellboys are really cheap, but honestly it doesn’t matter where you purchase one.

Once you have a bellboy you can blame everything on them no matter what. That is why I like this movie so much because it is giving me so many good ideas.

I can do anything without repercussions which is the way it should be. So if I ever see you out in public and throw a Slurpee in your face do not blame me. Blame the bellboy.

SPICE WORLD MOVIE REVIEW

SPICE WORLD (1997)

I lost a stupid bet to a stupid friend named Stupid Henry who made me watch this stupid movie and write a stupid movie review.

This movie is so stupid it is stupid. I don’t care about stupid spices or a stupid world made up of stupid spices, but apparently Stupid Henry does.

The name of this movie should be called Stupid Spiceworld because I think it is stupid.

If you don’t think it is stupid you are stupid. And you should be friends with Stupid Henry so you two can watch this stupid movie together.

And if you don’t like that you can cry like the stupid babies you are.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY MOVIE REVIEW

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY (2007)

Whenever I go to a movie I like to travel with my entourage, but unfortunately I don't have many friends so I usually go alone.

Sometimes I have to go with my mom and Aunt Henrietta which is okay except Aunt Henrietta has false teeth. I have had her false teeth fall into my soda, popcorn, and nacho cheese. Luckily for me each time that happened the five-second rule was in effect and I was able to salvage my food and drink.

One time I found her false teeth in the bottom of my Cracker Jack box and I thought it was a prize. I kept those teeth in my mouth for a week pretending to be a vampire and biting my neighbors on the neck.

My aunt took them back when I tried to turn her into a vampire. I didn't draw blood so I was mad, but if I ever get another pair of false teeth I will not make the same mistake twice.

THE GAME PLAN MOVIE REVIEW

THE GAME PLAN (2007)

Note: This review was written before this movie ever hit theaters solely using the movie trailer, marking a first in movie review history.

Yesterday was one of the most horrible days in my life. The lemonade stand I started two weeks ago is officially out of business.

It happened at 9:48 AM. I know the time because that is what it says on the police report. That is when three cruisers arrived at Dump Road and ordered me to shut down my illegal operation.

Apparently I need a permit to sell thirst-quenching drinks – drinks that the public wants bad by the way. Over the past two weeks I had so many people honking their horn and waving to me. It was clearly the best two weeks of my life. If you ever have experienced the thrill of people honking and waving at you, you know what I mean.

I told the police "whatever" and I downed a whole gallon of lemonade in their face. I then walked three miles to my house carrying my parents folding table, a lawn chair, professionally designed posters hand drawn by me, my cash register and a table cloth on my back.

I stopped to go to the bathroom five times. A lot of people honked and waved at me then too. It was awesome.

So now I am out of a job again and my parents aren't happy. I counted all the money I made in two weeks and it is $9.32. For some people that is a year's salary so I should be excited, but it won't get me into the movie theater anytime soon.

The local theater near my house just raised their ticket prices to $10 per person so unless I find a way to come up with 68 cents there is no way I will be able to see a movie again in my life.

But this does not mean I will ever stop doing movie reviews. I know Hollywood fears me, but I can not let that or my lack of an income stream stop me.

Luckily my parents are rich and can afford to pay for cable. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do my first review of a movie that is not even in the theaters yet. When you reach my level of career success, the industry will let you do that. It is what insiders like me call an advanced screening.

This is a major sign that shows my readers I have finally arrived. My talent is being recognized by the powers that be on a national level.

Last night I was able to see a movie trailer for The Game Plan. I'm pretty sure I know everything about this movie from watching only a minute of clips edited together.

This movie is about football and the Rock. If you don't believe me, I suggest you shut your face and see this trailer immediately if not sooner.

ZOMBIELAND MOVIE REVIEW

ZOMBIELAND (2009)

Sometimes the title of a movie says it all.

“Zombieland” says to me that this movie is going to be about a land full of zombies.

I’ll bet anything, even my aunt’s dentures and my uncle’s glass eye, that I’m right. And if I’m not right I’m pretty sure my aunt and uncle will be very mad at me.

Editor's Note: How did Skippy come to this conclusion? He took the Latin roots of the word Zombieland – “zombie” and “land” – and used that as the basis of this movie review. Zombie in Latin means a dead person who is not dead, while land in Latin means a big piece of property you can walk on like America or Mississippi or Luxembourg.

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN MOVIE REVIEW

THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN (2005)

This movie is about a 40-year-old guy who has never had sex in his life. There are tons of 40-year-old female virgins, but I'm pretty sure that the 40-year-old male virgin is like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.

There are lots of rumors of them existing, but no one has ever seen one and photographed one.

While much of my adult life has been devoted to looking for Bigfoot, I have never looked for a 40-year-old male virgin.

I think that's because they don't exist.

Just to look for a 40-year-old male virgin you'd probably need about 20 top notch scientists from MIT and a lot of excavating materials like shovels, pick axes and a backhoe.

You would also need at least $100 million dollars and only two people have that much money in the world – Donald Trump and Russell Simmons . I wish I knew them bad. I'd ask them straight up, "Do you guys want to find some 40-year-old male virgins?" I know they would say yes.

If there were a lot of 40-year-old virgins I would be so rich. Here is why:

I'm already a role model to the youth of America. I play video games all the time and I never change my underwear. Kids love that sort of stuff. I also never wash my hands and I love to pick my nose. I wipe my boogers under my desk. My booger pile is huge.

On top of this, I am such a sex expert it's not funny. I am in the process of inventing something similar to the pedometer, but it's called the bangometer.

You wear it on your wrist and it keeps count of how many times you bang chicks. The bangometer will keep all of your stats as well. You'll be able to see what day of the week you bang the most chicks, how long you bang them for and it comes in three different colors: black, white and blue.

The bangometer is one of the most important inventions in my life. It's revolutionary.

Because I am so good at sex, I would be a guru to 40-year-old virgins. I'd host seminars for them in Orlando and Vegas. I'd try to be like Anthony Robbins. The first thing I would concentrate on would be my teeth. Perfect teeth are a requirement to be a successful motivational speaker.

I would share some of my successful pick up lines that I've used in the past at bars and clubs:

1. I'm not interested in hearing you talk.
2. I could lift you up and throw you out this window.
3. I'd like you to spend the night so you can cook me breakfast tomorrow morning.

I'd also hand out my own brand of hair gel, Skippy's Beautiful Hair Gel, and black sharpies to everyone who attended my seminar.

I'm always autographing women's breasts at bars and gas stations with my sharpie. Women love this, especially if they are wasted. I think they find it romantic.

So this is what this whole movie is about. A 40-year-old virgin who needs someone like me in his life. If you need me in your life please email me. I would like to start hosting seminars sometime soon.

TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP MOVIE REVIEW

TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP (2007)

You won't find this movie in theaters or at your nearest video store. Believe me, I asked and I was laughed at and humiliated. And told to never come back again.

After searching everywhere for this movie - Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Video Paradise, Blockbuster - I was at a dead end.

That was until I asked my cousin, Barry Blyleven, a student at the University of Texas-Austin and a member of some fraternity. Like most frat guys, he is dumb and stupid and thinks it is funny to put firecrackers in frogs.

I know cousin Barry is majoring in film so I figure he would know everything about cinema – from the classical to the foreign – including "Two Girls, One Cup."

Cousin Barry emailed me some link to the movie on the Internet and said this is "classic film." If classic film means being grounded by your mother for the rest of your life, having your computer privileges revoked and getting sick at the sight of ice cream then cousin Barry is right.

It has been three weeks since I saw "Two Girls, One Cup" and thanks to my dad's Chess King belt and my mom's curling iron, it has also been three weeks since I last sat down in a chair without any pain or padded underwear.

All this leads me to wonder why anyone would send their kids to film school.

I don't know what you can learn from "Two Girls, One Cup" other than this: don't watch this movie in front of your parents, especially if you are 33-years-old and still live at home.

BREAKIN' MOVIE REVIEW

BREAKIN’ (1984)

Whoever named this movie is a horrible man. Breaking anything is a bad thing. Promoting the act of breaking anything is even worse.

Sometimes when you break something you get hurt, bad. One time I was chasing after a girl I liked, but she did not like me. That is why she was running real fast and yelling, “Help!”

Some people call that stalking, but I call it love. Well, this time love lost out and now I have a restraining order out against me. The icing on the cake? I broke my leg by tripping over a sewer grate.

Breaking your leg is not fun. It hurts, especially when you don’t have health insurance. If that happens to you, I recommend buying a lot of ice and putting it on your leg. Do not, I repeat, do not go to Mexico. The doctors in that country will cut your leg off and sell it on the black market. Believe me, I know because it happened to me.

Other things I have broken include my mom’s snow globe because I wanted to see if there was real snow inside. There isn’t any snow in those globes and I have written a letter to the manufacturer to complain about false advertising. I have yet to hear from them, but you know they will be hearing from my lawyers.

I have broken many, many hearts of the opposite sex. I estimate the number is in the low millions, but I stopped counting after 73 because my head was about to explode. I took three aspirin after that and it stopped my head from exploding.

One time I broke the law, but no one ever caught me. When I got home though, my mom knew from the look on my face that I did something wrong so she whooped my butt real bad.

I broke the handle to the toilet once. That was not a pretty scene. Water and other things I can’t mention was everywhere. I lost my favorite pair of socks walking in that stuff.

You name it, I have broken it. Water bottles, bananas, shoelaces, candy corn, paper, river rafts, fool’s gold, a dinosaur exhibit at the Smithsonian, a model airplane my dad worked on for three weeks, promises (only three times though) and a fingernail.

That is why I do not recommend this movie, no matter what. Every time I have broken something, it has ended badly, not just for me, but for the entire world.

LEATHERHEADS MOVIE REVIEW

LEATHERHEADS (2008)

For those of you expecting one of my typical movie reviews, I apologize in advance.

I ended up getting a splinter in my finger on the way into the theater and spent the entire movie trying to get it out. I used my teeth, my key chain and my friend’s teeth. Nothing worked and there was blood everywhere.

If I was smart and knew a lot about medicine, I would have called 911, but I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking. The pain was too excruciating.

All I know is that when I saw George Clooney on the screen I wished I was him. Not because he is rich, eats healthy, dates beautiful women or has good hygiene, but because he never gets splinters.

I have never heard him speak out about the danger of getting splinters, the pain it causes you and your loved ones or how hard it is to type with a splinter in your finger.

I even did a Google search of George Clooney and splinters. It came up empty.

If I was George Clooney, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now – under the real risk of losing my finger and never being able to type a movie review again in my life.

Over the next few days I ask that you all pray for my finger or call George Clooney and ask for help. If that does not work and this is the end of the line, I just want to say it was a good run.

Editor’s Note: A week after this review was written the splinter in Skippy’s finger fell out on its own. Skippy is currently trying to get the splinter inducted into the Museum of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Please support this initiative by mailing the Academy at 8949 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, California 90211 and demanding they make Skippy’s splinter a feature attraction.