PROMETHEUS MOVIE REVIEW

PROMETHEUS (2012)

I seen the first five minutes of this movie and walked out. It is a blatant slap in the face to people like myself who don’t shower and hate water with a passion.

Showering is overrated and unless you’re bleeding or have open wounds there is no need for it. Whatever. Obviously the filmmakers have an agenda. 

Since when did filmmaking have to become political? 

I hate water so bad I don’t even drink it! If you’re drinking water you’re drinking nothing and are a stupidhead. Why would you drink nothing when there is more awesome stuff to drink like Cherry Coke and root beer floats with chocolate ice cream in it? 

A lot of people think the same way and they all walked out of this movie. If you did, you didn’t miss anything. 

I know this because I read a horrible movie review that liked "Prometheus" because it is about aliens. I would never want to see this because every day when I go to the bathroom it is like I’m giving birth to an alien. And when I’m done I flush those aliens down the toilet just like this movie.

SORORITY ROW MOVIE REVIEW

SORORITY ROW (2009)

Anyone who knows me knows that I love pillow fights which is the one thing I have in common with just about every sorority girl in this country.

Every college sorority mandates their pledges and full members be proficient, and in some cases expert, in the use of pillows.

On nearly every night of the week you can walk into any sorority house in America and see a bunch of college coeds jumping up and down in their nightgowns hitting each other with pillows. That is what they do for fun.

And it is what I do for fun as well. Over the past decade I’ve gone undefeated in pillow fights, 39-0 with one draw, but that draw doesn’t count because my brother Twiggy farted in my face during the match and caused me to lose my concentration in the last round.

Since then my family has outlawed farting in pillow fights, making it grounds for disqualification and banishment from future competitions.

Outside of the one blemish on my record, I’ve become a legend not only in my neighborhood, but also in my bedroom where I have eight pillows of all shapes and sizes that I use to administer body blows, back breakers and face transplants.

I can do with pillows what Bruce Lee did with nunchucks and Clay Aiken does with songwriting.

That is why I went to see “Sorority Row” and you should too, especially if you want to learn more about the dangers of pillow fighting.

While I am an accomplished pillow fighter, I urge people to take classes and learn the ropes before doing so in their own living room because people can get hurt real bad.

In some cases it can even lead to death if you are not careful.

“Sorority Row”, a movie based on a true story of seven sorority girls who died in an awful pillow fight one night in 1981 in West Virginia, is proof of this. I never want to see an incident like this happen again which is why I urge you all to see this movie.

The life you save could be your own.

JAWS MOVIE REVIEW

JAWS

Everyone knows my vendetta with Steven Spielberg goes back to his “War of the Worlds” days. He took so many liberties and did so many things wrong with that movie that I have made him my sworn enemy ever since.

As I type this right now, I wish I was a samurai. I wish it with my whole heart. I would use a sword and do so many cool samurai moves. I’d be all up in his grill doing flips and sidekicks. Spielberg wouldn’t know what do. Spielberg can’t handle the samurai.

Since “War of the Worlds” I made a promise to reveal the truth about this guy Spielberg. Everyone agrees that he is a phony baloney. Now we can add instigator to the list of adjectives to describe him.

“Jaws” was apparently the first big blockbuster for Spielberg. As of today, I hope it is his last. This movie is really mean towards sharks. The only thing he shows them doing is biting and killing people.

I know a lot about science. I had to take it from third grade all the way to 12th grade. That’s a lot of science -- almost ten years worth of the most rigorous scientific training.

With my knowledge of science I could probably be a high profile doctor and do tons of hip surgeries and cataracts surgeries. I’m always doing the Hippocratic Oath especially if I know a friend or family member is sick. You can not legally practice medicine without this.

One of the main things I like to use when practicing medicine on my friends is the ACE Bandage and cortisone cream.

I heard strippers use cortisone cream all the time and I’ve never heard of a stripper getting sick. Strip joints are so clean and medically sterile it’s unbelievable. Once I get my medical license I would perform most of my surgeries there.

Because I know a lot about science, I know that sharks do more than just bite people and kill them to death. Scientifically, sharks like to swim around, jump very high out of the water and make babies. Spielberg didn’t show this because he either (a.) Doesn’t like sharks (b.) Doesn’t know science. I think it’s a little of both.

Because Spielberg portrayed sharks so unfairly in “Jaws”, sharks have been out for revenge ever since. Thanks to Spielberg, I am always seeing shark attacks on the national news. How long can this guy get away with doing stuff like this?

I sometimes wonder what I would do if he made a movie about me biting and killing people. I would be so mad and so angry I wouldn’t be able to think. I’d probably be so mad that I would bite someone. The last time I got really angry I started biting my hand and my pillow.

I’m not sure how often sharks have meetings but after “Jaws” came out they probably held an emergency meeting in the Pacific. In my head I know there was a lot of arguing and anger going on. When everything settled down, the head shark probably told the other sharks “If Spielberg wants to show us as crazy, unpredictable man eating animals, well let’s show him just how crazy and unpredictable we can be.”

That’s why there is so many shark attacks now. Sharks HATE this movie. Shark attacks are the biggest proof of this. “Jaws” is a dangerous movie and must be pulled off our shelves today. Until this happens I would not go into the water because sharks are at their boiling point.