FLIGHT MOVIE REVIEW

FLIGHT (2012)

This is a great, great movie about Denzel Washington’s life before he became an actor. Obviously, most stupid people think Denzel Washington was always an actor which is what Hollywood wants you to believe.

But he wasn’t. First he was a baby. Immediately after that he became a pilot, flying a bunch of cool airplanes around the world.

Because Denzel was so good at flying planes he got to his destinations so quickly he had a lot of free time on his hands.

Sometimes free time is good. In Denzel’s case it was really bad and he was doing many, many horrible things I can never mention. A lot of this is between me and him and involves drugs and alcohol and staying up way past his bedtime.

Unlike me, Denzel didn’t have his parents around to ground him or spank him so he could get away with whatever he wanted. My parents are always spanking me so much that I now have permanent tattoos of their hands on my butt. That’s why I never go to the beach.

Many times Denzel went to the beach when he shouldn’t have, like when he didn’t do the dishes at home or when the ocean was way too cold and sharks were everywhere.

He thought he was invincible! This is a major shame because nobody I know is invincible except Keenan and Kel and The Country Bears and Simon Birch and a woman my friend once dated called Can’t Kill Kim. Unlike them, Denzel is human and he paid the ultimate price in the 1970's when he flew a plane full of humans upside down and crashed it while high on a bunch of bad drugs and caffeine.

It was all over the news and I will describe it in graphic detail so you all know how bad it was: there was a lot of fires, plane wings, blood, and people screaming. If you think I’m lying you’re an idiot. My dad was on that plane which is why this is the most difficult movie review for me to write.

I remember going to the court case with my dad and us holding up signs that said, “Lock Him Up And Throw Away The Key. Please!” and “Off With His Head. Please!” and “Kill Him. Pretty Please!” It was a lot of fun.

They ended up putting Denzel in jail for a long time. While in prison he watched a lot of inspirational videos on how to act featuring the greats like Dom DeLuise and Mr. Belvedere.

By the time Denzel got out out jail he had been bitten by the acting bug and Hollywood was abuzz. He signed with an awesome agent, landed a role as the dad on The Cosby Show and turned his life around. The rest, as they say, is history.

That’s why this movie is a must-see because it shows that even if you fly a plane upside down, crash it and kill a lot of people your life is not over. Unless you died in the plane crash. Then I think it is. 

DRIVE MOVIE REVIEW

DRIVE (2011)

As you all know my parents won't let me get my driver's license until I turn 50 because there are so many crazy drivers out there. That's why they always put me in the back seat of their car in my own little booster seat with dozens of seat belts across my body and ropes around my hands and duct tape across my mouth.

This is proof that the road is a very dangerous place these days.

And that is why I was so skeptical about this movie. But once I watched "Drive" I realized that this is the one film that will change that by revolutionizing the way we drive automobiles.

I know for a fact that gear heads love this movie, but even young adults like myself who have super strict parents that don't allow their kids to get behind a steering wheel until they are full-on adults will find value in the positive message of this film.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that "Drive" is going to be shown in driver's ed classes throughout the world. There are a ton of helpful hints here for people who are learning the rules of the road.

My advice is before you apply for your learner's permit or driver's license is to watch "Drive" about 15 or 20 times and do everything that Ryan Gosling does in this movie. If you do the highways and byways of America will be a safer place for us all.

BIG MIRACLE MOVIE REVIEW

BIG MIRACLE (2012)

Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you shake your head and scream, "What on Earth were you thinking, Hollywood?"

"Big Miracle" is the first movie to do that to moviegoers in 2012.

It had so much promise, but fell so flat.

Everyone loves whales, but come on! We've all seen them swimming and doing jumps and making stupid noises under the water that make no darn sense to anyone except Leonardo DiCaprio.

Where director Ken Kwapis and his team missed the mark is that they did not take that extra leap of faith to make this movie what it could have been: GREAT.

I know a ton of crap about the movies. That's why I know I'm not the first person to think that "Big Miracle" should have been combined with "The Grey" to make a super rocking movie about wolves fighting whales.

When I was in fourth grade I spent a lot of time debating with my friends which animal is the strongest. Some said tigers. Others said sharks. My dumb teacher, Mr. Madjarevic, said the platypus, but the platypus doesn't even have teeth. You can't beat up anyone without teeth. Just ask Mike Tyson!

I disagreed and said the wombat was the toughest animal alive because it is deceptively strong and agile, but I was young and so naive. After watching "Kangaroo Jack" on the big screen I now realize the kangaroo has it all: intestinal fortitude, courage and major jumping ability.

Of course the only way to settle this argument is to have the animals go head-to-head in a winner take all battle royale. If I owned a zoo that is what I would do. I'd throw the llamas into the polar bear cage with the winner facing the sea turtle.

Combining "Big Miracle" with "The Grey" would have gone a long way to settling the dispute because everyone knows whales and wolves are the fiercest competitors alive.

I am sweating through my Simon Birch pajamas just thinking about a wolf jumping onto the back of a whale.

Would the wolf bite the whale into submission or would the whale knock the wolf unconscious with his tale and then do a super jump onto the wolf's head?

If the wolf dragged the whale onto land I'm pretty sure he would win, but if the whale forced the wolf into an underwater duel he would win.

Also, where does Liam Neeson fit in? He is a great coach.

I'm not sure what side I'm on, but I'd love to wear a half-wolf, half-whale T-shirt that glows in the dark. I think a lot of ladies would fall in love with me if I did.

CAST AWAY MOVIE REVIEW

CAST AWAY (2000)

Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.

Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.

Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.

I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.

That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.

It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.

I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES MOVIE REVIEW

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2011)

What a bunch of lies. I am sick of this!

This movie is utter-deceitful and hurtful. I am crying so bad. My eyes are falling out of my head.

I have known many apes in my life and never once - NEVER, EVER - have they escaped from their cages or zoos.

You should all be ashamed of yourself, Hollywood. Stand up and be accounted for. Listen!!

I can no longer think straight because this movie makes me so upset.

The apes I KNOW ride unicycles and hold a banana up to their ears when the phone rings. Why was that not in this movie?

This film is atrocious. It missed the point. Audiences wants to see apes doing cartwheels and maybe scratching their armpits.

It is evident that the apes in this movie were put on some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and forced to do very bad things. These are things that are so unmentionable - like punching humans and destroying vehicles and bridges - that I will not even mention them.

I know why the apes did this too - for money and fame. But the one thing I know is that money and fame can only get you so far. Money and fame will not get you the things you need like the xBox 360 or a pizza party or front row tickets to the Jenny Jones Show. Those are things you have to earn and by the looks of this movie that will never happen.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy Harris' views towards apes should not be confused with his views towards monkeys which he loves.

FORREST GUMP II MOVIE REVIEW

FORREST GUMP II

This movie hasn’t come out yet so there’s no reason for me to review something that I haven’t seen although I could if I wanted to.

THE FIGHTER MOVIE REVIEW

THE FIGHTER (2010)

This movie is so stupid! It’s not about a fighter. It’s about a boxer. Obviously the director and screenwriter and actors never graduated from kindergarten. Get a clue!

THOR MOVIE REVIEW

THOR (2011)

This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.

I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.

I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.

I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).

That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.

And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.

This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.

POWDER MOVIE REVIEW

POWDER (1995)

I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.

This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.

If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO MOVIE REVIEW

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)

I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.

Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.

People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.

A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.

People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.

A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.

THE KING'S SPEECH MOVIE REVIEW

THE KING’S SPEECH (2010)

If you live in America you will never ever be able to see this movie thanks to our forefathers and Barack Obama.

We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.

When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.

Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.

Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.

This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.

I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me Jefferson’s dog peed on it. I don’t doubt it because some dogs are peeing everywhere. Gross. Please clean up after your dog!

In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.

One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the United States an endless supply of catapults and flaming arrows. This has rendered all kings powerless.

So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in America kings are not allowed to make speeches because (1.) no one cares (2.) they could be ordering a secret beheading of all Americans.

The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.

This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.

I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.

Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.

127 HOURS MOVIE REVIEW

127 HOURS

(Part Two)

I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.

These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.

Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.

So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?

This makes my stomach churn. Hollywood has officially jumped the shark. Apparently they are going for the lowest common denominator now. Saw off any part of your body and it’s worthy of a feature length movie?!

Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.

127 HOURS MOVIE REVIEW

127 HOURS

This movie is way shorter than the title suggests.

TRUE GRIT MOVIE REVIEW

TRUE GRIT (2010)

The only reason I went to see this movie is because I’ve been told countless times I have true grit. For the most part that is true although I still don’t know what true grit means.

But I know one thing: a lot of companies are looking to hire people with true grit. That is why I list true grit at the top of my resume.

I think Hollywood and the Coen brothers finally realized it was important to make a movie about true grit in order to get out of the recession.

I would say for like 90 percent of the movie there is a bunch of true grit going on, but the remaining 10 percent is not grit. A lot of critics will complain about this, but I’d like to concentrate on the grit I saw that was true.

There is so much true grit in this movie although it was not special effects. As someone who has true grit I can attest to that.

I don’t want to give away the ending (spoiler alert), but essentially there is true grit everywhere even on the horses which was a total shock to the system. But when it comes to true grit you can’t predict anything.

DOUBT MOVIE REVIEW

DOUBT (2008)

At first I didn’t think this movie was real, but after renting it from Netflix I will never ever question its existence. That is how powerful it is.

THE TOWN MOVIE REVIEW

THE TOWN (2010)

I met a cute girl at the bar the other night and we started talking about many cool things like extraterrestrials, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman.

After a while we ran out of things to say so we started talking about Ben Affleck and his receding hairline. She mentioned she saw “The Town” and that everyone died at the end of it.

For me that’s more than enough information to know this movie rocks hard core. This girl had a good head on her shoulders and could probably pass a lie detector test.

Now if I can just find more women to tell me the ending of movies it will make my job as a movie reviewer that much easier. And then I can concentrate on important things like finding the Yeti and uncovering the truth about Roswell.

GREEN ZONE MOVIE REVIEW

GREEN ZONE (2010)

I’ve been to many St. Patrick’s Day parties in my life and they are the true definition of green zones with so many green hats, green shirts and green beer. Once or twice I have seen green underwear, but they were not mine and they wouldn’t fit me because they were women’s underwear.

This movie does not have any green in it. At least from what I’ve seen although I do admit that I am color blind so maybe my eyes played tricks on me.

But I don’t think so because my eyes have always been reliable. And one time I had a girl in fifth grade say my eyes were nice. Nice eyes do not lie, especially in my book.

And furthermore all green shirts say one of two things: “Kiss Me. I’m Irish!” or “Feeling Lucky?” with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it. Not once did I see Matt Damon or any of the other actors in this film wearing any shirt like this.

Instead they were wearing army fatigues which I know are not green.

THE BLIND SIDE MOVIE REVIEW

THE BLIND SIDE (2009)

I’ve never played football in my life because it is a stupid sport played by a bunch of dumb jocks who are not entrepreneurs like me.

But my friend Michelle convinced me to go see it. She has never played football either because girls aren’t allowed to by law. But she was a cheerleader in high school and so of course she likes football players because they are always walking around town with their shirts off.

If my dreams ever come true and I own a store that sells gum I will have a sign on the windows that read “NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS ALLOWED.” Unfortunately, most football players can’t read so it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Unlike me, Michelle thinks football players are smart especially those that are blind. I don’t know how many blind people play professional football, but she told me this movie was about the first player to ever do it.

That is why about 30 minutes into the movie we walked out. Not once did they show anyone who was blind. And if they did it was probably an extra in the background.

Every one of the football players in The Blind Side can see, yet the studios keep touting this as heroic movie about a blind person who overcomes the odds to play in the NFL.

Whoever that blind player is should see this movie so he discovers how Hollywood has once again distorted the truth.

THE BOOK OF ELI MOVIE REVIEW

THE BOOK OF ELI (2010)

If you are a New York Giants fan you can not be pleased with this movie, especially since your star quarterback went out and wrote a book in the middle of the season.

Needless to say Eli Manning has a lot of explaining to do.

The one question I have for him is this: What is more important to you – football or writing books?

This movie pretty much answers that question. Because of his mixed up priorities Eli Manning ruined his team’s chances of getting into the playoffs.

What he has done is besmirched the game and whoever the commissioner of football is needs to think about banning him for a year. Maybe even for life. This is serious.

His teammates probably can’t stand the sight of him and vomit into trash cans repeatedly. If I were Eli I’d be careful because the other Giants players are probably waiting to whip him in the showers with rolled up towels. I hope it stings and leaves a red mark on Eli’s thigh.

Maybe one day he will learn his lesson: you don’t write a book until you are retired and very old and have nothing better to do with your time. Those are the people who write books. Not people who are supposed to be throwing football passes to teammates for touchdowns.

Instead Eli fumbled the ball, big time on this one, which is why he’ll never play another game again.

AMELIA MOVIE REVIEW

AMELIA (2009)

When you can finish off 18 buckets of popcorn while watching one movie there are only two words to describe it: Popcorn Flick.

That pretty much sums up Amelia.