GREEN ZONE MOVIE REVIEW

GREEN ZONE (2010)

I’ve been to many St. Patrick’s Day parties in my life and they are the true definition of green zones with so many green hats, green shirts and green beer. Once or twice I have seen green underwear, but they were not mine and they wouldn’t fit me because they were women’s underwear.

This movie does not have any green in it. At least from what I’ve seen although I do admit that I am color blind so maybe my eyes played tricks on me.

But I don’t think so because my eyes have always been reliable. And one time I had a girl in fifth grade say my eyes were nice. Nice eyes do not lie, especially in my book.

And furthermore all green shirts say one of two things: “Kiss Me. I’m Irish!” or “Feeling Lucky?” with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it. Not once did I see Matt Damon or any of the other actors in this film wearing any shirt like this.

Instead they were wearing army fatigues which I know are not green.

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS MOVIE REVIEW

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS (2009)

When I was in school I used to get yelled at by my teachers for staring off in space.

But apparently it is okay for people in the military to stare at goats. And then they can make a movie about it. Ridiculous.

I am sick of this double standard that is consistently applied to my life.

It happens every time so instead of writing a review of this movie I’m going to look outside my window for a few days.

And if I’m lucky I might see a goat. If I do I will say, “Get lost goat. You're in my way.”

“What are you looking at?” the goat would probably ask.

“Not you. I will never stare at you. I will throw an avocado at your dumb goat face,” I would reply.

And that would be an awesome opening scene if anyone ever wanted to make a movie about me called “The Man Who Stared Out the Window and into Space.”

GLORY MOVIE REVIEW

GLORY (1989)

Everyone in the world loves to blow stuff up. It is built into our DNA and also our genes.

If all else fails most good schools, if they are worth their salt, will teach you the importance of blowing stuff up by the third grade.

That is essentially what this movie is about, especially the end where a lot of stuff and people get blown up.

Last night I reenacted the final scene of this movie in my living room by using the same exact weapons used in the filming of “Glory” - a glue gun, bag of french fries and a hair net.

I played the lead role because that is most important and I have to say I blew up nearly everything in the house. It was pretty awesome and historically authentic.

I’m not in the military, but if I was I would say I would probably be registered as a lethal weapon and win every war. Especially the Civil War where a lot of stuff needed to be blown up.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS MOVIE REVIEW

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009)

I am so happy because I broke one of the great world records while watching this movie: longest time anyone has ever held in their pee (a non-wind aided 1 hour, 45 minutes and 37 seconds).

It was amazing and afterwards I got a standing ovation from people in the movie theater. There were a lot of tears and hugging and I sent my picture into the local newspaper.

I was asked to give a speech to my fellow movie patrons and I thanked my parents, my brother Twiggy Harris, and my friends for their support in making my dreams become a reality.

But I also used the moment to inspire others that great things can happen if you believe. It may not happen overnight, it may take months or even years, but it can happen. You just have to want it bad enough that you can taste it.