MAD MAX: FURY ROAD MOVIE REVIEW

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

As the best movie reviewer of all time, I need my eyes. Without them I can’t watch movies. That’s why I’m not blind!

My eyes are precious and I will bet you anything that Obama and Congress knows this. I can feel it in my heart.

That is why I am so disappointed in “Mad Max: Fury Road.” It is all about dust which can be very, very damaging to everybody’s eyes. Even though I wore my ski goggles to watch this movie I did not feel safe and ended up walking out.

A lot of optometrists are very mad at this movie because no one likes dust, dust particles or sand to get in your eyes. This is why no one lives in the desert. I learned that in geography class in second grade!

And this is the reason Max is so mad. He is always getting sand in his eyes. He’s not the only one who is mad. I am also mad because I had to wear ski goggles to this movie. And even then it was not enough. Many times I ducked for cover when I seen the sand storm coming. A lot of times I closed my eyes.

This is very irresponsible of the filmmaker because I did not feel safe. I was yelling for help a lot and I ended up walking out. I am very upset about this. But don't worry my eyes are okay now. 

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY MOVIE REVIEW

THE HOBBIT (2012)

Without Peter Jackson short people would never have jobs. They owe him a debt of gratitude they can never, ever repay.

If you think about it short people can’t do much of anything which is why kids are such a nuisance. That’s why it is so surprising Peter Jackson not only casts them in movies, but actually gets them to do stuff.

Pretty much every short person I know is always asking me to lift them up so they can see. Once I lift them up they ask if they can sit on my shoulders for a little while. I can’t count how many times I’ve had shoulder surgeries because of this. That’s why I’m so glad about Obamacare. Instead of having my parents perform those surgeries I’ll finally be able to have a real doctor do them.

Neither of my parents know anything about medicine, but to save money they’ve replaced my shoulders and shoulder bones multiple times with Legos and cool things like that which never break. 

Usually I’m awake during those surgeries in case my parents have questions on where they should cut.

The other reason why this movie rocks so hard is because of the soundtrack. In the past Peter Jackson has used composers who play boring classical music that no one ever listens to. But this time he used my favorite singer Psy.

Psy is the Asian Justin Bieber. He can do no wrong and is probably going to be our next president. As you all know I have sent letters to everyone in government to see if they can replace the national anthem with Gangnam Style. How awesome would it be to do Gangnam Style before every sporting event? I know we’d win every Olympics!

And that’s why "The Hobbit" is doing so good in the box office. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when all the hobbits have a dance off with the orcs and dragons at the end to Gangnam Style my head literally exploded. It was no big deal and the ushers didn’t care because my head is always exploding so they just got a broom and dust pan and swept it up.

Luckily, they gave me my head back so I could write this and tell everyone in the world to go see "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey."

THOR MOVIE REVIEW

THOR (2011)

This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.

I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.

I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.

I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).

That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.

And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.

This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.

2012 MOVIE REVIEW

2012

I don’t know why everyone is in such a rush to see this movie. It doesn’t come out for another three years and that is when I’m going to see it.

9 MOVIE REVIEW

9 (2009)

I decided not to go see "9" because I am hurting for cash and have to buy a new toothbrush.

If you are in the same boat, I recommend doing the same thing because your teeth are very important, especially after eating a bag of M&M's from Costco's in one day. Cavities suck.

If you have money and were able to see this movie please tell me how it was.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON MOVIE REVIEW

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON (2000)

If Peter Pan were not gay, he would be a ninja. That is why he is not in this movie. There is no such thing as a gay ninja.

Although I am not gay, I am also not a ninja. But I am a fan of Peter Pan. And gay people.

And after seeing this movie, I am now a fan of ninjas.

Unfortunately, I am not a ninja. I learned this the hard way.

For anyone who watches this movie do not go out afterwards and try to climb a three-story house, jump off the roof and kick your best friend in the face. If you do, you will end up in the hospital with a broken leg, back, forehead, and body; unless, of course, you are a ninja.