THE KING'S SPEECH MOVIE REVIEW

THE KING’S SPEECH (2010)

If you live in America you will never ever be able to see this movie thanks to our forefathers and Barack Obama.

We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.

When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.

Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.

Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.

This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.

I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me Jefferson’s dog peed on it. I don’t doubt it because some dogs are peeing everywhere. Gross. Please clean up after your dog!

In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.

One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the United States an endless supply of catapults and flaming arrows. This has rendered all kings powerless.

So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in America kings are not allowed to make speeches because (1.) no one cares (2.) they could be ordering a secret beheading of all Americans.

The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.

This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.

I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.

Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.

TITANIC MOVIE REVIEW

TITANIC (1997)

I lost my best friend Larry Leddy because he ruined this movie for me.

While we were waiting in line a fat guy cut in front of us. I know he was fat because I looked at him. Larry yelled at him and said, "You are going down like the Titanic" and pushed him to the ground.

I laughed a lot and pointed at him with my finger. The fat guy still ended up getting his ticket before us and a free popcorn.

Meanwhile we ended up getting kicked out of the theater without seeing the movie. This is the fourth theater in three weeks I have been kicked out of through no fault of my own.

1. The first time was not my fault. My mom made breakfast burritos before we went to see the matinee of Flubber.

That combined with the humor in this movie turned me into a fart machine. I guess the other patrons did not enjoy this because they complained to the manager. He said I can only come back when I get medical clearance from my family physician. Until then I can only imagine how Flubber ended.

2. The second time was also not my fault. I went to see Marius et Jeannette.

Unbeknownst to me this movie had a lot of subtitles. I looked around and saw a lot of old ladies with glasses squinting at the screen. I decided to be polite and read the subtitles out loud for them.

Unfortunately, someone got mad and complained to the manager who threw me out. He said I can only come back for movies without subtitles. I asked him if that includes movies with credits because technically credits are subtitles. He said I was being a wise guy and could never come back.

3. The third time was sort of my fault. I was lucky enough to see one of the greatest movies of all time on opening night: Mousehunt.

Unfortunately, a French couple was in front of me making out. I'm pretty sure that is what the French are known for. They invented some sort of gross kiss that everyone else copies.

After seeing them flaunt it in front of me, I started crumpling up napkins and aiming it at their popcorn. A few times I landed direct hits and I saw them eat paper. Then they kissed some more. 

Because of my success I got greedy and crumpled up one more napkin and landed a direct hit at their head. The manager threw me out and said I could only come back on No Napkin Night at the theater. I didn't know they had that.

After getting kicked out of Titanic, I realized I was on a roll. As we walked back to the car I told Larry I needed to plan the next theater to get kicked out of. I wanted to break the all time record. Unfortunately, he wasn't listening because he kept repeating the line he said to the fat guy – "You are going down like the Titanic."

I laughed with him and then asked what that even meant. What he told me next sealed the deal for me. It is why Larry Leddy and Skippy Harris are ex-friends for life.

WARNING! 

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT THE ENDING OF TITANIC RUINED         

DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

He said he pushed the guy down to the ground just like the Titanic sunk to the bottom of the ocean after hitting an iceberg, When I heard this I screamed. I asked Larry why he would do this. Why would he give away the ending?! He lied and said everyone knows the ending.

I told him if that is the truth, how come I didn't. After that I pushed him down to the ground like the Titanic and ran all the way home (134 miles) without stopping. I did this with tears on my cheeks.

I will tell you this. Larry was wrong, but he is not the only one. Someone who worked on this film leaked the ending to the press. Once the press got a hold of it, it spread like wildfire and now everyone knows the ending before they have even seen the movie.

And who wants to know the ending of a movie before seeing? Not me. That is for damn sure.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN MOVIE REVIEW

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007)

I see the title of this movie and think only one thing: RIGHT ON!

Old people get so many perks in life, why should they get their own country?

They already have their own state, Florida. I went there five years ago with my parents and will never go there again. That state smells like a combination of cottage cheese and a nursing home.

When I got home from that trip, I did a lot of scientific research on old people and made an amazing list about why they are bad. I have never shown my parents this list because they are old.

This is the first time I am releasing this information to the public.

Why Old People Are Bad

1. They wear big hats
2. They never shower
3. They support railroads
4. They always use cash
5. They take forever in the bathroom and like to stink it up hardcore
6. They hate awesome things like Doritos, teeth and chocolate
7. Their hair and fingernails are always falling into my soup
8. They are always climbing ladders
9. There are so many of them
10. They are bad ice skaters

Now you tell me: is there anything good about old people?