November 9, 2015



As the best movie reviewer of all time, I need my eyes. Without them I can’t watch movies. That’s why I’m not blind!

My eyes are precious and I will bet you anything that Obama and Congress knows this. I can feel it in my heart.

That is why I am so disappointed in “Mad Max: Fury Road.” It is all about dust which can be very, very damaging to everybody’s eyes. Even though I wore my ski goggles to watch this movie I did not feel safe and ended up walking out.

A lot of optometrists are very mad at this movie because no one likes dust, dust particles or sand to get in your eyes. This is why no one lives in the desert. I learned that in geography class in second grade!

And this is the reason Max is so mad. He is always getting sand in his eyes. He’s not the only one who is mad. I am also mad because I had to wear ski goggles to this movie. And even then it was not enough. Many times I ducked for cover when I seen the sand storm coming. A lot of times I closed my eyes.

This is very irresponsible of the filmmaker because I did not feel safe. I was yelling for help a lot and I ended up walking out. I am very upset about this. But don't worry my eyes are okay now. 

February 22, 2015



A lot of people have been calling and emailing me, asking what will happen at tonight's Oscars. As Hollywood's top movie critic, I am the best at everything in the world. I know so much and here's the lowdown on what to expect from the most exciting night of the year. Truly, this is my Super Bowl, World Cup and Wimbledon all wrapped in one except I hate sports because they are stupid and for chuckers and meatheads.

Tonight's Oscars will most likely start with me repeatedly hitting a broom on the ceiling of my bedroom until my parents come down and I beg them on my hands and knees to let me out of the basement so I can watch the show. 

I will have to connect my VHS and Betamax players to the TVs upstairs. I am going to be recording the Oscars on videotape and am selling copies to the general public. Folks, these are going to sell out quickly so get yours NOW! This is once in a lifetime deal!!

After that my parents will probably make me doing something dumb like chores or whatever. I'll pretend to do them, but won't really because chores are stupid and for women! 

I usually sit three feet from the TV because that's the best seat in the house. I know my mom will yell at me saying I'm going to ruin my eyes, but she's just a jealous head because she wants to steal my seat. 

If she yells at me, I'll call my buddy Jessman and tell him this is ridiculous and I don't need it! I'll probably lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out until my mom apologizes and let's me eat M&M's, Skittles and Reese's Pieces in a bowl of chocolate milk. That's usually what they serve backstage at the Oscar's. I love food so much!!

A lot of people ask me what I'm going to wear. Here's the answer! Probably my Country Bears pajamas with Zeb Bear on them. I hope they give Zeb Zeb a lifetime achievement award tonight!

As far as the best movies, I think "The Nut Job" will take it all. I could watch this movie until my eyes bleed to death. 

One of my formulas for movie success is this: 

Animals = Box Office Smash. 

That's true 99 percent of the time except with that dumb movie "Foxcatcher" which has nothing to do with foxes! I hate being lied to so much. 

But my formula worked with "The Country Bears"(the best movie in the entire world) and I see it happening once again with "The Nut Job," especially because people love squirrels! Surly the squirrel will win Best Actor because he is amazing! Any squirrel that can raid a nut store is going to make waves in Hollywood and that is what he is doing now. 

Mark my words, "Nut Job" is going to probably sweep every category. 

And  when this happens, I will go crazy and take off my pajamas and run through the house in my Spongebob underwear and bang pots and pans until my dad and mom spank me until I throw up and they make me go to bed. I won't be mad though because I love "The Nut Job" so much and it has made so many dreams come true. 


January 12, 2015



I don’t know what is Hollywood’s big problem, but I am furious! I never thought I would say this, but because of them I have to go to North Korea.

Now I’m trying to learn how this Indiegogo thing works just so YOU can pay for my trip overseas. That’s right, you, my fans, have the opportunity to send me to North Korea so I can finally watch “The Interview” and review it.

I’m not sure how this happened, but I read somewhere that North Korean leader King Jong-un forbade Hollywood from showing this movie in America. He is the main star in the movie and only wants his countrymen to see it and if anyone in the U.S. sees it they will be killed. And there could even be a war!

I don’t care about these threats. As a movie reviewer, I have a major job to do.

That’s why I need you to send me some money. Please! If you do I will give you the following incentives:

·        $100 – You win a free pillow fight with me
·        $500 – We get to eat 17 pounds of popcorn while watching reruns of “That’s So Raven”
·        $1,000 – You get a lifetime membership to my company Rewind and I will personally rewind any of your VHS tapes for free

So what are you waiting for? Send your checks in the mail!


When you do I will start the process of getting a passport and trying to convince my parents to let me out of their basement and letting me go to North Korea.

The passport is the easy part. They are a dime a dozen and you can buy them in Times Square from what my friend Jesse told me. And booking a flight to North Korea is easy because you can do that on Southwest.

But without your money I can’t go anywhere. Heck, I can’t even go to the fudge store or even the movies unless my parents start increasing my allowance. 

February 11, 2014


As you know I hate socks because the ones I wear usually have holes in them. And I never wash them because I don't know how to operate the washing machine either. Washing machines are for women!

Let's face it socks are horrible! That's why I love slippers. 

But I changed my tune after signing a multi-million dollar deal with the guys at FunSockFriday. The one thing I like is fun. And Friday. I guess I can pretend to like socks too. 

I haven't gotten paid yet, but I told the guys I don't need the money. Just buy me a nice chocolate milk or something. 

As for me I have a new role with FunSockFriday as a guest blogger. This is the first time I've ever been asked to do something other than clean my room by my dumb parents. Here's my first entry about Michael Bay and what he should do with the new Transformers movie. 

February 9, 2014



With all apologies to "The Waterboy" and "Rookie of the Year", this is the greatest sports movie ever made.

A lot of people I know have dogs. Even my parents! But I've never seen any of those dogs catch a football, let alone score a touchdown. Most dogs just drool and sleep and eat and chew bones and bite mailmen.

Buddy (AKA Air Bud) is different and one of the best players ever - better than dumb Tom Brady or dumb Peyton Manning or dumb Barry Sanders. This is the TRUTH!!

Buddy is so fast and has four legs and no one can tackle him. He knows every play and is awesome! In the movie Buddy does it time and time again. If you are serious about football and making it to the pros you will watch this movie every day like I do!

That's why the Russians want Air Bud bad and they try to kidnap him because they want Buddy to play on their national team and win the Super Bowl from the Americans. Luckily for America, Buddy escapes. This cemented Buddy's legacy as a national treasure.

I think the commissioner of the NFL Roger Goodell needs to realize this. And he needs to rethink his policy about dogs and let them in the league. NOW! Otherwise the NFL will continue to be a sham and everyone knows it!

If all goes well I think dogs will be playing in the Super Bowl next year and one of them will win the MVP. When that happens we will have Air Bud - the greatest football player to ever play the game - to thank. And that will be a touchdown for all of us. 

April 25, 2013


Anyone who doubts that I like the movies needs to watch my newest music video which proves I am still the best movie reviewer in the world!

January 24, 2013


FLIGHT (2012)

This is a great, great movie about Denzel Washington’s life before he became an actor. Obviously, most stupid people think Denzel Washington was always an actor which is what Hollywood wants you to believe.

But he wasn’t. First he was a baby. Immediately after that he became a pilot, flying a bunch of cool airplanes around the world.

Because Denzel was so good at flying planes he got to his destinations so quickly he had a lot of free time on his hands.

Sometimes free time is good. In Denzel’s case it was really bad and he was doing many, many horrible things I can never mention. A lot of this is between me and him and involves drugs and alcohol and staying up way past his bedtime.

Unlike me, Denzel didn’t have his parents around to ground him or spank him so he could get away with whatever he wanted. My parents are always spanking me so much that I now have permanent tattoos of their hands on my butt. That’s why I never go to the beach.

Many times Denzel went to the beach when he shouldn’t have, like when he didn’t do the dishes at home or when the ocean was way too cold and sharks were everywhere.

He thought he was invincible! This is a major shame because nobody I know is invincible except Keenan and Kel and The Country Bears and Simon Birch and a woman my friend once dated called Can’t Kill Kim. Unlike them, Denzel is human and he paid the ultimate price in the 1970's when he flew a plane full of humans upside down and crashed it while high on a bunch of bad drugs and caffeine.

It was all over the news and I will describe it in graphic detail so you all know how bad it was: there was a lot of fires, plane wings, blood, and people screaming. If you think I’m lying you’re an idiot. My dad was on that plane which is why this is the most difficult movie review for me to write.

I remember going to the court case with my dad and us holding up signs that said, “Lock Him Up And Throw Away The Key. Please!” and “Off With His Head. Please!” and “Kill Him. Pretty Please!” It was a lot of fun.

They ended up putting Denzel in jail for a long time. While in prison he watched a lot of inspirational videos on how to act featuring the greats like Dom DeLuise and Mr. Belvedere.

By the time Denzel got out out jail he had been bitten by the acting bug and Hollywood was abuzz. He signed with an awesome agent, landed a role as the dad on The Cosby Show and turned his life around. The rest, as they say, is history.

That’s why this movie is a must-see because it shows that even if you fly a plane upside down, crash it and kill a lot of people your life is not over. Unless you died in the plane crash. Then I think it is. 

January 17, 2013



Without Peter Jackson short people would never have jobs. They owe him a debt of gratitude they can never, ever repay.

If you think about it short people can’t do much of anything which is why kids are such a nuisance. That’s why it is so surprising Peter Jackson not only casts them in movies, but actually gets them to do stuff.

Pretty much every short person I know is always asking me to lift them up so they can see. Once I lift them up they ask if they can sit on my shoulders for a little while. I can’t count how many times I’ve had shoulder surgeries because of this. That’s why I’m so glad about Obamacare. Instead of having my parents perform those surgeries I’ll finally be able to have a real doctor do them.

Neither of my parents know anything about medicine, but to save money they’ve replaced my shoulders and shoulder bones multiple times with Legos and cool things like that which never break. 

Usually I’m awake during those surgeries in case my parents have questions on where they should cut.

The other reason why this movie rocks so hard is because of the soundtrack. In the past Peter Jackson has used composers who play boring classical music that no one ever listens to. But this time he used my favorite singer Psy.

Psy is the Asian Justin Bieber. He can do no wrong and is probably going to be our next president. As you all know I have sent letters to everyone in government to see if they can replace the national anthem with Gangnam Style. How awesome would it be to do Gangnam Style before every sporting event? I know we’d win every Olympics!

And that’s why "The Hobbit" is doing so good in the box office. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when all the hobbits have a dance off with the orcs and dragons at the end to Gangnam Style my head literally exploded. It was no big deal and the ushers didn’t care because my head is always exploding so they just got a broom and dust pan and swept it up.

Luckily, they gave me my head back so I could write this and tell everyone in the world to go see "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey."

July 10, 2012



I seen the first five minutes of this movie and walked out. It is a blatant slap in the face to people like myself who don’t shower and hate water with a passion.

Showering is overrated and unless you’re bleeding or have open wounds there is no need for it. Whatever. Obviously the filmmakers have an agenda. 

Since when did filmmaking have to become political? 

I hate water so bad I don’t even drink it! If you’re drinking water you’re drinking nothing and are a stupidhead. Why would you drink nothing when there is more awesome stuff to drink like Cherry Coke and root beer floats with chocolate ice cream in it? 

A lot of people think the same way and they all walked out of this movie. If you did, you didn’t miss anything. 

I know this because I read a horrible movie review that liked "Prometheus" because it is about aliens. I would never want to see this because every day when I go to the bathroom it is like I’m giving birth to an alien. And when I’m done I flush those aliens down the toilet just like this movie.

May 29, 2012


DRIVE (2011)

As you all know my parents won't let me get my driver's license until I turn 50 because there are so many crazy drivers out there. That's why they always put me in the back seat of their car in my own little booster seat with dozens of seat belts across my body and ropes around my hands and duct tape across my mouth.

This is proof that the road is a very dangerous place these days.

And that is why I was so skeptical about this movie. But once I watched "Drive" I realized that this is the one film that will change that by revolutionizing the way we drive automobiles.

I know for a fact that gear heads love this movie, but even young adults like myself who have super strict parents that don't allow their kids to get behind a steering wheel until they are full-on adults will find value in the positive message of this film.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that "Drive" is going to be shown in driver's ed classes throughout the world. There are a ton of helpful hints here for people who are learning the rules of the road.

My advice is before you apply for your learner's permit or driver's license is to watch "Drive" about 15 or 20 times and do everything that Ryan Gosling does in this movie. If you do the highways and byways of America will be a safer place for us all.

February 27, 2012



Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you shake your head and scream, "What on Earth were you thinking, Hollywood?"

"Big Miracle" is the first movie to do that to moviegoers in 2012.

It had so much promise, but fell so flat.

Everyone loves whales, but come on! We've all seen them swimming and doing jumps and making stupid noises under the water that make no darn sense to anyone except Leonardo DiCaprio.

Where director Ken Kwapis and his team missed the mark is that they did not take that extra leap of faith to make this movie what it could have been: GREAT.

I know a ton of crap about the movies. That's why I know I'm not the first person to think that "Big Miracle" should have been combined with "The Grey" to make a super rocking movie about wolves fighting whales.

When I was in fourth grade I spent a lot of time debating with my friends which animal is the strongest. Some said tigers. Others said sharks. My dumb teacher, Mr. Madjarevic, said the platypus, but the platypus doesn't even have teeth. You can't beat up anyone without teeth. Just ask Mike Tyson!

I disagreed and said the wombat was the toughest animal alive because it is deceptively strong and agile, but I was young and so naive. After watching "Kangaroo Jack" on the big screen I now realize the kangaroo has it all: intestinal fortitude, courage and major jumping ability.

Of course the only way to settle this argument is to have the animals go head-to-head in a winner take all battle royale. If I owned a zoo that is what I would do. I'd throw the llamas into the polar bear cage with the winner facing the sea turtle.

Combining "Big Miracle" with "The Grey" would have gone a long way to settling the dispute because everyone knows whales and wolves are the fiercest competitors alive.

I am sweating through my Simon Birch pajamas just thinking about a wolf jumping onto the back of a whale.

Would the wolf bite the whale into submission or would the whale knock the wolf unconscious with his tale and then do a super jump onto the wolf's head?

If the wolf dragged the whale onto land I'm pretty sure he would win, but if the whale forced the wolf into an underwater duel he would win.

Also, where does Liam Neeson fit in? He is a great coach.

I'm not sure what side I'm on, but I'd love to wear a half-wolf, half-whale T-shirt that glows in the dark. I think a lot of ladies would fall in love with me if I did.

February 3, 2012



I never thought there would be a movie that could top "The Country Bears", but then "Jack and Jill" comes along and blows it out the water.

I saw this movie 39 days in a row until Dave Jarvis, the manager at the movie theater decided to stop showing it without input from die hard "Jack and Jill" fans like me.

I’m almost certain my parents were in total cahoots with Dave – just like they thwarted me from getting a tattoo of my new favorite movie characters (Jack AND Jill) on my ankle. What they don’t know is I drew it on my ankle myself with a Sharpie.

My parents are so UNFAIR!

No matter what they do they can’t stop me from loving the movie of the decade. I am predicting big, big things for "Jack and Jill" including a total sweep of the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Emmy’s.

Every time I watched it I caught something I missed the previous time. There are so many hidden gems in "Jack and Jill" it is amazing.

And the biggest gem of them all is Adam Sandler. If I could give him a basket of personal kudos I would. He wouldn’t have to water those kudos because kudos last forever.

Sandler proved to the critics that he is our generation’s Eddie Murphy.

I would not be surprised if the sequel to this movie starred only Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler. They have set the bar high for aspiring actors and created an industry unto its own.

Besides multiple sequels and prequels, I am already imagining a "Jack and Jill" clothing line, action figures, a Broadway show and amusement park. The future looks very, very bright indeed.

November 10, 2011


CAST AWAY (2000)

Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.

Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.

Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.

I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.

That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.

It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.

I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.

August 9, 2011



What a bunch of lies. I am sick of this!

This movie is utter-deceitful and hurtful. I am crying so bad. My eyes are falling out of my head.

I have known many apes in my life and never once - NEVER, EVER - have they escaped from their cages or zoos.

You should all be ashamed of yourself, Hollywood. Stand up and be accounted for. Listen!!

I can no longer think straight because this movie makes me so upset.

The apes I KNOW ride unicycles and hold a banana up to their ears when the phone rings. Why was that not in this movie?

This film is atrocious. It missed the point. Audiences wants to see apes doing cartwheels and maybe scratching their armpits.

It is evident that the apes in this movie were put on some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and forced to do very bad things. These are things that are so unmentionable - like punching humans and destroying vehicles and bridges - that I will not even mention them.

I know why the apes did this too - for money and fame. But the one thing I know is that money and fame can only get you so far. Money and fame will not get you the things you need like the xBox 360 or a pizza party or front row tickets to the Jenny Jones Show. Those are things you have to earn and by the looks of this movie that will never happen.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy Harris' views towards apes should not be confused with his views towards monkeys which he loves.

June 29, 2011



This movie hasn’t come out yet so there’s no reason for me to review something that I haven’t seen although I could if I wanted to.

June 27, 2011



This movie is so stupid! It’s not about a fighter. It’s about a boxer. Obviously the director and screenwriter and actors never graduated from kindergarten. Get a clue!

June 15, 2011



If you saw the first Hangover you pretty much know what the message of this one will be – wild animals are pretty much the coolest things ever.

And if you get drunk there’s a pretty good chance you will cross paths with one. In the first movie Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug all find a tiger in their hotel room the night after they went out partying in Las Vegas.

I can only imagine riding on the back of a tiger down the street and waving my sword at all my enemies, especially every manager who has kicked me out of their movie theater and every motorist who has thrown tomatoes at my lemonade stand.

While I was very distraught there was no tiger in The Hangover II, there is something even better - a monkey. I’ve wanted a monkey since I was one-year-old.

Combined with a pet tiger, my life would be perfect with a monkey in the house. My monkey would play the drums and maybe do card tricks. I’d also want my monkey to dress up as a high-powered attorney and reenact scenes from the greatest court film ever made, My Cousin Vinny.

I’d also make my monkey a partner in my lemonade stand because who wouldn’t buy lemonade from a monkey? And if it catches one this will be one of the greatest financial models ever because behind every great business is a monkey.

June 13, 2011


THOR (2011)

This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.

I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.

I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.

I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).

That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.

And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.

This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.

April 26, 2011


POWDER (1995)

I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.

This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.

If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.

March 8, 2011



I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.

Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.

People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.

A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.

People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.

A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.

March 2, 2011



Up until last year Justin Bieber was just a normal boy with the voice of an angel and a great head of hair, but then he had major surgery. All of his hard core biggest fans, especially me, were scared to death and cried ourselves to sleep. We all thought his career was over and, in turn, our lives would be over.

We had nothing left to live for.

During that time I sent him over 382 handwritten letters. I know for a fact he read each one because the police told me I can never contact him again. I've never had that happen to me before so I framed the correspondence from the police chief and hung it over my bed. I look at it before I go to sleep every night knowing I made a difference in Bieber's life.

The doctors didn't thank me, but I know for a fact that without my letters Bieber's surgery wouldn't have been a success.

When Bieber came out of the hospital he was more powerful than we could have ever imagined. He was more than Justin Bieber. He was 3D Justin Bieber.

Critics said it could never happen, but Justin Bieber NEVER says NEVER.

Now that he is 3D, Bieber can pretty much do whatever he wants, including, but not limited to:

  1. Ride dragons
  2. Dance with a basket of fruit on his head
  3. Swim the Atlantic Ocean in one day
  4. Wear wool sweaters without being itchy
  5. Burn money and laugh while doing it

Obviously this is just a small list of his new powers.

The greatest part is that every time he gets stronger no-talent singers like Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard get weaker. The medical establishment is pretty stoked over this because Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard are bankrupting our health care system because they are making our ears bleed. There is no cure for this condition.

Even if Lady Gaga teamed up with Ruben Studdard they would have to be trained by Hulk Hogan because he is the only one who could pin 3D Bieber in a wrestling match. Luckily, Hulk Hogan is busy getting divorced to women and riding motorcycles into police barricades so he doesn't have time to deal with 3D Justin Bieber.

Plus, 3D Justin Bieber would probably form an alliance with Hulk Hogan and they would record a Christmas album together. That is the only thing 3D Bieber hasn't done. This would do wonders for the North Pole which has been devastated by the recession. In the movie 3D Bieber blames Lehman Brothers for the collapse of the North Pole.

Boycott Lehman Brothers. And then dance. That is what 3D Bieber does.

At some point in the near future I am confident 3D Justin Bieber will finally destroy Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard or at least send them to Colombia where they would be forced to pick coffee beans for Starbucks at minimum wage.

So now that Bieber is 3D what can we expect? Many people are predicting that he will become the next president of the United States. When that happens we will never say never again except when we have to say the name of this movie. Then we would have to say never. Twice.

February 28, 2011



If you live in America you will never ever be able to see this movie thanks to our forefathers and Barack Obama.

We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.

When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.

Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.

Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.

This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.

I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me Jefferson’s dog peed on it. I don’t doubt it because some dogs are peeing everywhere. Gross. Please clean up after your dog!

In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.

One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the United States an endless supply of catapults and flaming arrows. This has rendered all kings powerless.

So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in America kings are not allowed to make speeches because (1.) no one cares (2.) they could be ordering a secret beheading of all Americans.

The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.

This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.

I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.

Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.

February 17, 2011



(Part Two)

I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.

These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.

Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.

So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?

This makes my stomach churn. Hollywood has officially jumped the shark. Apparently they are going for the lowest common denominator now. Saw off any part of your body and it’s worthy of a feature length movie?!

Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.

January 31, 2011



This movie is way shorter than the title suggests.

January 7, 2011


TRUE GRIT (2010)

The only reason I went to see this movie is because I’ve been told countless times I have true grit. For the most part that is true although I still don’t know what true grit means.

But I know one thing: a lot of companies are looking to hire people with true grit. That is why I list true grit at the top of my resume.

I think Hollywood and the Coen brothers finally realized it was important to make a movie about true grit in order to get out of the recession.

I would say for like 90 percent of the movie there is a bunch of true grit going on, but the remaining 10 percent is not grit. A lot of critics will complain about this, but I’d like to concentrate on the grit I saw that was true.

There is so much true grit in this movie although it was not special effects. As someone who has true grit I can attest to that.

I don’t want to give away the ending (spoiler alert), but essentially there is true grit everywhere even on the horses which was a total shock to the system. But when it comes to true grit you can’t predict anything.