April 25, 2013
January 24, 2013
January 17, 2013
July 10, 2012
May 29, 2012
As you all know my parents won't let me get my driver's license until I turn 50 because there are so many crazy drivers out there. That's why they always put me in the back seat of their car in my own little booster seat with dozens of seat belts across my body and ropes around my hands and duct tape across my mouth.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that "Drive" is going to be shown in driver's ed classes throughout the world. There are a ton of helpful hints here for people who are learning the rules of the road.
My advice is before you apply for your learner's permit or driver's license is to watch "Drive" about 15 or 20 times and do everything that Ryan Gosling does in this movie. If you do the highways and byways of America will be a safer place for us all.
February 29, 2012
February 27, 2012
February 3, 2012
JACK AND JILL (2011)
I never thought there would be a movie that could top "The Country Bears", but then "Jack and Jill" comes along and blows it out the water.
I saw this movie 39 days in a row until Dave Jarvis, the manager at the movie theater decided to stop showing it without input from die hard "Jack and Jill" fans like me.
I’m almost certain my parents were in total cahoots with Dave – just like they thwarted me from getting a tattoo of my new favorite movie characters (Jack AND Jill) on my ankle. What they don’t know is I drew it on my ankle myself with a Sharpie.
My parents are so UNFAIR!
No matter what they do they can’t stop me from loving the movie of the decade. I am predicting big, big things for "Jack and Jill" including a total sweep of the Oscars, Golden Globes and the Emmy’s.
Every time I watched it I caught something I missed the previous time. There are so many hidden gems in "Jack and Jill" it is amazing.
And the biggest gem of them all is Adam Sandler. If I could give him a basket of personal kudos I would. He wouldn’t have to water those kudos because kudos last forever.
Sandler proved to the critics that he is our generation’s Eddie Murphy.
I would not be surprised if the sequel to this movie starred only Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler. They have set the bar high for aspiring actors and created an industry unto its own.
Besides multiple sequels and prequels, I am already imagining a "Jack and Jill" clothing line, action figures, a Broadway show and amusement park. The future looks very, very bright indeed.
November 10, 2011
CAST AWAY (2000)
Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.
Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.
Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.
I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.
That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.
It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.
I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.
August 9, 2011
June 29, 2011
June 27, 2011
June 15, 2011
THE HANGOVER PART II (2011)
If you saw the first Hangover you pretty much know what the message of this one will be – wild animals are pretty much the coolest things ever.
And if you get drunk there’s a pretty good chance you will cross paths with one. In the first movie Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug all find a tiger in their hotel room the night after they went out partying in
I can only imagine riding on the back of a tiger down the street and waving my sword at all my enemies, especially every manager who has kicked me out of their movie theater and every motorist who has thrown tomatoes at my lemonade stand.
While I was very distraught there was no tiger in The Hangover II, there is something even better - a monkey. I’ve wanted a monkey since I was one-year-old.
Combined with a pet tiger, my life would be perfect with a monkey in the house. My monkey would play the drums and maybe do card tricks. I’d also want my monkey to dress up as a high-powered attorney and reenact scenes from the greatest court film ever made, My Cousin Vinny.
I’d also make my monkey a partner in my lemonade stand because who wouldn’t buy lemonade from a monkey? And if it catches one this will be one of the greatest financial models ever because behind every great business is a monkey.
June 13, 2011
This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.
I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.
I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.
I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).
That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.
And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.
This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.
April 26, 2011
I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.
This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.
If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.
March 8, 2011
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)
I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.
Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.
People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.
A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.
People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.
A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.
March 2, 2011
JUSTIN BIEBER: NEVER SAY NEVER (2011)
Up until last year Justin Bieber was just a normal boy with the voice of an angel and a great head of hair, but then he had major surgery. All of his hard core biggest fans, especially me, were scared to death and cried ourselves to sleep. We all thought his career was over and, in turn, our lives would be over.
We had nothing left to live for.
During that time I sent him over 382 handwritten letters. I know for a fact he read each one because the police told me I can never contact him again. I've never had that happen to me before so I framed the correspondence from the police chief and hung it over my bed. I look at it before I go to sleep every night knowing I made a difference in Bieber's life.
The doctors didn't thank me, but I know for a fact that without my letters Bieber's surgery wouldn't have been a success.
When Bieber came out of the hospital he was more powerful than we could have ever imagined. He was more than Justin Bieber. He was 3D Justin Bieber.
Critics said it could never happen, but Justin Bieber NEVER says NEVER.
Now that he is 3D, Bieber can pretty much do whatever he wants, including, but not limited to:
- Ride dragons
- Dance with a basket of fruit on his head
- Swim the
Atlantic Oceanin one day
- Wear wool sweaters without being itchy
- Burn money and laugh while doing it
Obviously this is just a small list of his new powers.
The greatest part is that every time he gets stronger no-talent singers like Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard get weaker. The medical establishment is pretty stoked over this because Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard are bankrupting our health care system because they are making our ears bleed. There is no cure for this condition.
Even if Lady Gaga teamed up with Ruben Studdard they would have to be trained by Hulk Hogan because he is the only one who could pin 3D Bieber in a wrestling match. Luckily, Hulk Hogan is busy getting divorced to women and riding motorcycles into police barricades so he doesn't have time to deal with 3D Justin Bieber.
Plus, 3D Justin Bieber would probably form an alliance with Hulk Hogan and they would record a Christmas album together. That is the only thing 3D Bieber hasn't done. This would do wonders for the North Pole which has been devastated by the recession. In the movie 3D Bieber blames Lehman Brothers for the collapse of the North Pole.
Boycott Lehman Brothers. And then dance. That is what 3D Bieber does.
At some point in the near future I am confident 3D Justin Bieber will finally destroy Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard or at least send them to
So now that Bieber is 3D what can we expect? Many people are predicting that he will become the next president of the
February 28, 2011
THE KING’S SPEECH (2010)
If you live in
We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.
When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.
Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.
Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.
This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.
I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me
In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.
One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the
So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in
The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.
This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.
I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.
Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.
February 17, 2011
I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.
These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.
Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.
So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?
This makes my stomach churn.
Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.
January 31, 2011
January 7, 2011
TRUE GRIT (2010)
The only reason I went to see this movie is because I’ve been told countless times I have true grit. For the most part that is true although I still don’t know what true grit means.
But I know one thing: a lot of companies are looking to hire people with true grit. That is why I list true grit at the top of my resume.
I would say for like 90 percent of the movie there is a bunch of true grit going on, but the remaining 10 percent is not grit. A lot of critics will complain about this, but I’d like to concentrate on the grit I saw that was true.
There is so much true grit in this movie although it was not special effects. As someone who has true grit I can attest to that.
I don’t want to give away the ending (spoiler alert), but essentially there is true grit everywhere even on the horses which was a total shock to the system. But when it comes to true grit you can’t predict anything.
November 2, 2010
COOL RUNNINGS (1993)
This movie is about a major snowstorm in
Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.
Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.
Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in
I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.
October 22, 2010
October 19, 2010
THE TOWN (2010)
I met a cute girl at the bar the other night and we started talking about many cool things like extraterrestrials, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman.
After a while we ran out of things to say so we started talking about Ben Affleck and his receding hairline. She mentioned she saw “The Town” and that everyone died at the end of it.
For me that’s more than enough information to know this movie rocks hard core. This girl had a good head on her shoulders and could probably pass a lie detector test.
Now if I can just find more women to tell me the ending of movies it will make my job as a movie reviewer that much easier. And then I can concentrate on important things like finding the Yeti and uncovering the truth about
October 15, 2010
“$#*! MY DAD SAYS”
“CODE ED” EPISODE
I don’t normally review television shows, but my DVD player conked out on me again so I had no other option than to watch “$#*! My Dad Says” last night.
All I have to say is the laugh track on this show is amazing. I’ve never seen an audience take control of a show and dominate it from beginning to end.
I really have to compliment those people who were laughing, especially those in the first few rows, because they really made the show. I look forward to hearing more laughter from them in the future and hope the show’s producers sign them to long term contracts.