Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.
Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.
Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.
I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.
That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.
It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.
I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.
This movie is utter-deceitful and hurtful. I am crying so bad. My eyes are falling out of my head.
I have known many apes in my life and never once - NEVER, EVER - have they escaped from their cages or zoos.
You should all be ashamed of yourself, Hollywood. Stand up and be accounted for. Listen!!
I can no longer think straight because this movie makes me so upset.
The apes I KNOW ride unicycles and hold a banana up to their ears when the phone rings. Why was that not in this movie?
This film is atrocious. It missed the point. Audiences wants to see apes doing cartwheels and maybe scratching their armpits.
It is evident that the apes in this movie were put on some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and forced to do very bad things. These are things that are so unmentionable - like punching humans and destroying vehicles and bridges - that I will not even mention them.
I know why the apes did this too - for money and fame. But the one thing I know is that money and fame can only get you so far. Money and fame will not get you the things you need like the xBox 360 or a pizza party or front row tickets to the Jenny Jones Show. Those are things you have to earn and by the looks of this movie that will never happen.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Skippy Harris' views towards apes should not be confused with his views towards monkeys which he loves.
This movie is so stupid! It’s not about a fighter. It’s about a boxer. Obviously the director and screenwriter and actors never graduated from kindergarten. Get a clue!
If you saw the first Hangover you pretty much know what the message of this one will be – wild animals are pretty much the coolest things ever.
And if you get drunk there’s a pretty good chance you will cross paths with one. In the first movie Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug all find a tiger in their hotel room the night after they went out partying in Las Vegas.
I can only imagine riding on the back of a tiger down the street and waving my sword at all my enemies, especially every manager who has kicked me out of their movie theater and every motorist who has thrown tomatoes at my lemonade stand.
While I was very distraught there was no tiger in The Hangover II, there is something even better - a monkey. I’ve wanted a monkey since I was one-year-old.
Combined with a pet tiger, my life would be perfect with a monkey in the house. My monkey would play the drums and maybe do card tricks. I’d also want my monkey to dress up as a high-powered attorney and reenact scenes from the greatest court film ever made, My Cousin Vinny.
I’d also make my monkey a partner in my lemonade stand because who wouldn’t buy lemonade from a monkey? And if it catches one this will be one of the greatest financial models ever because behind every great business is a monkey.
This movie is the last thing the construction industry needs which is why every builder and handyman should be protesting Thor day and night to get it out of the theaters.
I don’t know why you would give a hammer to someone who doesn’t do anything with it but hurt people.
I’ve already written a letter to Bob Vila and I’m pretty sure he’s pissed. Bob Vila is one of the world’s greatest builders and uses a hammer on nails, not on people’s foreheads. If he did he’d be in jail forever.
I remember once I was hammering a framed autographed photo of Jerry Springer onto my wall and I hit my thumb by mistake. It was a mistake I will never make again because that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (not counting the time I was attacked by an angry family of squirrels).
That is why a hammer is a tool to be feared and used by only the smartest people. Thor obviously isn’t smart. He is dumb and not once in this movie does he build something cool like a water park or an ice cream shop. These are places adults like me go to every day of our lives.
And while I’m not a financial expert, I know the real estate industry and construction trades are reeling from the very bad economy. The last thing we need is Thor coming around and giving them a bad name.
This movie is going to set us back 30 years. I predict total economic ruin and chaos, all because one guy doesn’t know how to use a hammer the right way.
I am leading a boycott of Powder after I learned the filmmakers refused to audition any minorities for the lead role.
This is discrimination at its worst which is why you should never ever see this movie even if it means saving the world from an alien attack.
If anyone watches Powder I promise you that this country will take two steps backward and we will lose all that we have gained from the civil rights movement.
I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.
Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.
People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.
A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.
People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.
A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.
Up until last year Justin Bieber was just a normal boy with the voice of an angel and a great head of hair, but then he had major surgery. All of his hard core biggest fans, especially me, were scared to death and cried ourselves to sleep. We all thought his career was over and, in turn, our lives would be over.
We had nothing left to live for.
During that time I sent him over 382 handwritten letters. I know for a fact he read each one because the police told me I can never contact him again. I've never had that happen to me before so I framed the correspondence from the police chief and hung it over my bed. I look at it before I go to sleep every night knowing I made a difference in Bieber's life.
The doctors didn't thank me, but I know for a fact that without my letters Bieber's surgery wouldn't have been a success.
When Bieber came out of the hospital he was more powerful than we could have ever imagined. He was more than Justin Bieber. He was 3D Justin Bieber.
Critics said it could never happen, but Justin Bieber NEVER says NEVER.
Now that he is 3D, Bieber can pretty much do whatever he wants, including, but not limited to:
Ride dragons
Dance with a basket of fruit on his head
Swim the Atlantic Ocean in one day
Wear wool sweaters without being itchy
Burn money and laugh while doing it
Obviously this is just a small list of his new powers.
The greatest part is that every time he gets stronger no-talent singers like Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard get weaker. The medical establishment is pretty stoked over this because Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard are bankrupting our health care system because they are making our ears bleed. There is no cure for this condition.
Even if Lady Gaga teamed up with Ruben Studdard they would have to be trained by Hulk Hogan because he is the only one who could pin 3D Bieber in a wrestling match. Luckily, Hulk Hogan is busy getting divorced to women and riding motorcycles into police barricades so he doesn't have time to deal with 3D Justin Bieber.
Plus, 3D Justin Bieber would probably form an alliance with Hulk Hogan and they would record a Christmas album together. That is the only thing 3D Bieber hasn't done. This would do wonders for the North Pole which has been devastated by the recession. In the movie 3D Bieber blames Lehman Brothers for the collapse of the North Pole.
Boycott Lehman Brothers. And then dance. That is what 3D Bieber does.
At some point in the near future I am confident 3D Justin Bieber will finally destroy Lady Gaga and Ruben Studdard or at least send them to Colombia where they would be forced to pick coffee beans for Starbucks at minimum wage.
So now that Bieber is 3D what can we expect? Many people are predicting that he will become the next president of the United States. When that happens we will never say never again except when we have to say the name of this movie. Then we would have to say never. Twice.
If you live in America you will never ever be able to see this movie thanks to our forefathers and Barack Obama.
We owe them all a big debt of gratitude for this because kings are the most corrupt people in the world.
When I was in third grade I learned about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington who fled England on a high speed boat – I did a book report on this and know for a fact the boat went over 110 miles per hour – because the king wanted to behead them.
Pretty much all kings do is take land and behead people. Sometimes they pay a minstrel to sing songs about them, but if the king doesn’t like the songs he beheads them. This is why Lady Gaga never sings for kings because she would never have a head anymore and no one would buy a CD from a performer with no head.
Once the minstrel is dead the king takes their land and builds a skyscraper or a mini-mall on it.
This did not go over well with Jefferson and Washington who hated big buildings. They liked apple orchards so they created a system of government without kings. This is called the Constitution. It is a piece of paper that is so old it is yellow.
I don’t know why the Constitution is yellow, but someone told me Jefferson’s dog peed on it. I don’t doubt it because some dogs are peeing everywhere. Gross. Please clean up after your dog!
In the Constitution is this thing called a president who is the most powerful man in the world. He has his own plane which kings don’t have. The only thing kings have is castles which can be destroyed with catapults and flaming arrows.
One of the things the Constitution does is give the president of the United States an endless supply of catapults and flaming arrows. This has rendered all kings powerless.
So now kings just give speeches and behead people. But in America kings are not allowed to make speeches because (1.) no one cares (2.) they could be ordering a secret beheading of all Americans.
The only speeches we are allowed to hear are from the president. Usually he talks about things I don’t know about like banks or science.
This is why many people are ticked off at the Academy Awards because they gave an Oscar to The King’s Speech for best picture. No one can ever trust the Academy Awards again because they have backstabbed every thing we believe in, including our way of life.
I don’t keep up on news, but if memory serves me correct Obama said to Congress, in no certain terms, would he ever allow The King’s Speech to be shown in America which is a good thing because who wants to see a movie that tries to bring us down.
Instead he is using our taxes to fund a remake of The King’s Speech called The President’s Speech. Now this is change we can all believe in.
I never review a movie twice, but I am so upset at the director and the cast, especially James Franco.
These people are the walking definition of charlatans. Never again can I trust them and neither should you.
Here’s why I am so angry. Supposedly this movie is based upon a real story of a guy who cut his arm off.
So basically what you’re telling me, James Franco, is all I have to do to have a movie made about me is cut off a body part? Well, how about I cut my foot off? What about my head? Or my fingernails?
This makes my stomach churn. Hollywood has officially jumped the shark. Apparently they are going for the lowest common denominator now. Saw off any part of your body and it’s worthy of a feature length movie?!
Take a long hard look in the mirror, Franco. You probably won’t like what you see. And then you’ll have to get a new mirror. Just don’t expect to borrow one from me.
The only reason I went to see this movie is because I’ve been told countless times I have true grit. For the most part that is true although I still don’t know what true grit means.
But I know one thing: a lot of companies are looking to hire people with true grit. That is why I list true grit at the top of my resume.
I think Hollywood and the Coen brothers finally realized it was important to make a movie about true grit in order to get out of the recession.
I would say for like 90 percent of the movie there is a bunch of true grit going on, but the remaining 10 percent is not grit. A lot of critics will complain about this, but I’d like to concentrate on the grit I saw that was true.
There is so much true grit in this movie although it was not special effects. As someone who has true grit I can attest to that.
I don’t want to give away the ending (spoiler alert), but essentially there is true grit everywhere even on the horses which was a total shock to the system. But when it comes to true grit you can’t predict anything.
This movie is about a major snowstorm in Jamaica that happens because God or someone powerful like the President of the United States wants Jamaicans to be good bobsledders.
Cool Runnings is based on a true story which means this snowstorm really happened. If you don’t believe me you are stupid and you should leave my website immediately.
Since there was so much snow Jamaicans had nothing better to do than build snowmen and go bobsledding. They had a bobsled competition or something and the winners won a trip to the Olympics. And they also got to tour a hot chocolate factory.
Because of their success the Winter Olympic are now held in Jamaica ever four years. It is very hard to get tickets, but if you do make sure to go to the ice hotel. It is a hotel made entirely of ice and where all the Olympic athletes stay. I saw it on the Discovery Channel by accident.
I was flipping through the channels and trying to find the WWE match between Undertaker and Kane. I don’t know who won that match, but if you do let me know because I love wrestling so much I asked my parents to buy me bed sheets with The Junkyard Dog, King Kong Bundy and Leaping Lanny Poffo on them. Only then will I be able to sleep comfortably.
I met a cute girl at the bar the other night and we started talking about many cool things like extraterrestrials, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman.
After a while we ran out of things to say so we started talking about Ben Affleck and his receding hairline. She mentioned she saw “The Town” and that everyone died at the end of it.
For me that’s more than enough information to know this movie rocks hard core. This girl had a good head on her shoulders and could probably pass a lie detector test.
Now if I can just find more women to tell me the ending of movies it will make my job as a movie reviewer that much easier. And then I can concentrate on important things like finding the Yeti and uncovering the truth about Roswell.
I don’t normally review television shows, but my DVD player conked out on me again so I had no other option than to watch “$#*! My Dad Says” last night.
All I have to say is the laugh track on this show is amazing. I’ve never seen an audience take control of a show and dominate it from beginning to end.
I really have to compliment those people who were laughing, especially those in the first few rows, because they really made the show. I look forward to hearing more laughter from them in the future and hope the show’s producers sign them to long term contracts.
I don’t know the exact name of this movie, but I wrote it in my sleep three weeks ago and when I woke up I realized it will be a big time blockbuster. I pretty much know everything about the movies so I know this is going to be a hit. Right now I am shopping this around to all the major power players in Hollywood: Keenan, Kel, Raven Simone and Dustin Diamond. There is no way they can refuse it. The working title of it is “The Ceiling Fan” and I’m thinking it could branch off into sequels, television shows, video games and action figures.
Here is the main premise:
There is a nice man (Keenan) who is sleeping in his room and when he wakes up he sees the ceiling fan (Dustin Diamond) spinning very fast. All of the sudden it hypnotizes him and he can’t get out of bed.
His mom (Raven Simone) tells him to get out of bed and says “Don’t make me get your father.” Twenty minutes later she gets the father (Kel) who comes in and tells his son to get out of bed.
But the nice man can’t get out of bed because the ceiling fan controls him and his thoughts so he misses work.
There are a lot of close ups of the ceiling fan spinning on high speed which could be done in CGI. Also, there are cool shots of the nice man’s eyes.
Then there is a huge rainstorm, maybe even a hurricane or something with lightning. There has to be lightning because it hits the power line and there is a blackout which causes the ceiling fan to stop.
And the man gets out of bed to go to the bathroom or maybe blow his nose. But this makes him really tired so he goes back to bed. When he goes back to bed the electricity comes back on and the ceiling fan starts to spin again hypnotizing the nice man until the sequel.
Last night I dreamed I saw this movie which saved me the hassle of seeing it in real life.
I hope to harness this power to allow me to watch and review all movies in my dreams in the future. Next up will be “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.”
I would also like to dream I have a million dollars, maybe even more. But that would require dreaming about finding a duffle bag that can hold all that money which I don’t think I can do because I’ve never seen a duffle bag that big.
So I guess this is proof you should never dream too big because even if I had a million dollars I wouldn’t have anywhere to put it which means money is pretty much useless.
My friend Jessman called me an hour before this movie was showing to ask if I wanted to go see it.
I told him it was my duty to go because of my job as a professional movie reviewer. Also, I am at the top of my game and I told Jessman I want to ensure I remain the king of the industry.
But now I wonder if I ever should have gone in the first place. Jessman was driving very, very fast and blasting WASP’s Greatest Hits at loud levels.
I told him to calm down and then he told me to calm down.
At that point I was crying and asked him to pull over so I could puke on the side of the road. He wouldn’t pull over so I puked all over his face and his car, especially his leather seats.
He wanted me to clean it up, but I couldn’t because I was so sick. He told me I was lying, but to prove it I puked all over his face again.
I have never puked that many times and now am in the hospital. I puked 27 times which the doctor said was a world record. I hope I can get into the record books for puking because I’ve never held any world records in my life and my family would be very proud of me.
I’ve been to many St. Patrick’s Day parties in my life and they are the true definition of green zones with so many green hats, green shirts and green beer. Once or twice I have seen green underwear, but they were not mine and they wouldn’t fit me because they were women’s underwear.
This movie does not have any green in it. At least from what I’ve seen although I do admit that I am color blind so maybe my eyes played tricks on me.
But I don’t think so because my eyes have always been reliable. And one time I had a girl in fifth grade say my eyes were nice. Nice eyes do not lie, especially in my book.
And furthermore all green shirts say one of two things: “KissMe. I’m Irish!” or “Feeling Lucky?” with a picture of the Incredible Hulk on it. Not once did I see Matt Damon or any of the other actors in this film wearing any shirt like this.
Instead they were wearing army fatigues which I know are not green.
I’ve never played football in my life because it is a stupid sport played by a bunch of dumb jocks who are not entrepreneurs like me.
But my friend Michelle convinced me to go see it. She has never played football either because girls aren’t allowed to by law. But she was a cheerleader in high school and so of course she likes football players because they are always walking around town with their shirts off.
If my dreams ever come true and I own a store that sells gum I will have a sign on the windows that read “NO FOOTBALL PLAYERS ALLOWED.” Unfortunately, most football players can’t read so it wouldn’t matter anyway.
Unlike me, Michelle thinks football players are smart especially those that are blind. I don’t know how many blind people play professional football, but she told me this movie was about the first player to ever do it.
That is why about 30 minutes into the movie we walked out. Not once did they show anyone who was blind. And if they did it was probably an extra in the background.
Every one of the football players in “The Blind Side” can see, yet the studios keep touting this as heroic movie about a blind person who overcomes the odds to play in the NFL.
Whoever that blind player is should see this movie so he discovers how Hollywood has once again distorted the truth.
When I think of Valentine’s Day I think of one thing: spending way too much for roses, chocolates and jewelry to give to the woman of your dreams who will only rip your heart out by sleeping with another man.
As many of you know this movie is based on a true story of one of the greatest luchadors of all time: Nacho Libre.
Once this movie came out, Nacho Libre went into hiding because he could not deal with the newfound fame. Everyone wanted a piece of him: the paparazzi, the beautiful females and awesome sponsors like Cool Ranch Doritos, Taco Bell and the Federales.
No one knew where Nacho Libre is. Until now.
A good friend of mine told me Nacho Libre is now a college student at Georgetown. He saw him at a frat party while in WashingtonD.C. last weekend.
Nacho fell over eight times, the last onto a table, breaking it in half. As he lay on the ground, Nacho yelled, “I do not need balance.”
While his wrestling skills have since diminished, apparently Nacho is now really good at beer pong and eating pizza.
The super hero of movie reviewers, Skippy Harris possesses powers the average movie reviewer does not including the ability to eat large quantities of popcorn, the skills to crop dust an entire theater from the front row and the knowledge to take any Hollywood actor, director or producer down with his scathing critiques.
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