February 22, 2015



A lot of people have been calling and emailing me, asking what will happen at tonight's Oscars. As Hollywood's top movie critic, I am the best at everything in the world. I know so much and here's the lowdown on what to expect from the most exciting night of the year. Truly, this is my Super Bowl, World Cup and Wimbledon all wrapped in one except I hate sports because they are stupid and for chuckers and meatheads.

Tonight's Oscars will most likely start with me repeatedly hitting a broom on the ceiling of my bedroom until my parents come down and I beg them on my hands and knees to let me out of the basement so I can watch the show. 

I will have to connect my VHS and Betamax players to the TVs upstairs. I am going to be recording the Oscars on videotape and am selling copies to the general public. Folks, these are going to sell out quickly so get yours NOW! This is once in a lifetime deal!!

After that my parents will probably make me doing something dumb like chores or whatever. I'll pretend to do them, but won't really because chores are stupid and for women! 

I usually sit three feet from the TV because that's the best seat in the house. I know my mom will yell at me saying I'm going to ruin my eyes, but she's just a jealous head because she wants to steal my seat. 

If she yells at me, I'll call my buddy Jessman and tell him this is ridiculous and I don't need it! I'll probably lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out until my mom apologizes and let's me eat M&M's, Skittles and Reese's Pieces in a bowl of chocolate milk. That's usually what they serve backstage at the Oscar's. I love food so much!!

A lot of people ask me what I'm going to wear. Here's the answer! Probably my Country Bears pajamas with Zeb Bear on them. I hope they give Zeb Zeb a lifetime achievement award tonight!

As far as the best movies, I think "The Nut Job" will take it all. I could watch this movie until my eyes bleed to death. 

One of my formulas for movie success is this: 

Animals = Box Office Smash. 

That's true 99 percent of the time except with that dumb movie "Foxcatcher" which has nothing to do with foxes! I hate being lied to so much. 

But my formula worked with "The Country Bears"(the best movie in the entire world) and I see it happening once again with "The Nut Job," especially because people love squirrels! Surly the squirrel will win Best Actor because he is amazing! Any squirrel that can raid a nut store is going to make waves in Hollywood and that is what he is doing now. 

Mark my words, "Nut Job" is going to probably sweep every category. 

And  when this happens, I will go crazy and take off my pajamas and run through the house in my Spongebob underwear and bang pots and pans until my dad and mom spank me until I throw up and they make me go to bed. I won't be mad though because I love "The Nut Job" so much and it has made so many dreams come true. 


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