DRIVE MOVIE REVIEW

DRIVE (2011)

As you all know my parents won't let me get my driver's license until I turn 50 because there are so many crazy drivers out there. That's why they always put me in the back seat of their car in my own little booster seat with dozens of seat belts across my body and ropes around my hands and duct tape across my mouth.

This is proof that the road is a very dangerous place these days.

And that is why I was so skeptical about this movie. But once I watched "Drive" I realized that this is the one film that will change that by revolutionizing the way we drive automobiles.

I know for a fact that gear heads love this movie, but even young adults like myself who have super strict parents that don't allow their kids to get behind a steering wheel until they are full-on adults will find value in the positive message of this film.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that "Drive" is going to be shown in driver's ed classes throughout the world. There are a ton of helpful hints here for people who are learning the rules of the road.

My advice is before you apply for your learner's permit or driver's license is to watch "Drive" about 15 or 20 times and do everything that Ryan Gosling does in this movie. If you do the highways and byways of America will be a safer place for us all.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO MOVIE REVIEW

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (2009)

I am torn right now because I love dragons so much, but I hate tattoos. They are the worst.

Anyone with tattoos needs to be banned for life. And that is a fact.

People who have tattoos can never be trusted. The things they do make me break out into a cold sweat.

A year ago I saw a man who had tattoos all over his body at the carnival. I had horrible nightmares for a week straight. I ended up sleeping with my parents in their bed and they would rock me to sleep.

People with tattoos do horrible things like shoot guns, drink whiskey and say four letter words. They should all be in jail and politicians know this.

A police officer once told me people with tattoos are committing more crime than anyone else. For this reason I can not recommend seeing this movie even if you have already seen it. And it is also why I can not recommend being friends with any girl, especially if she has a dragon tattoo. If you don’t believe me you probably have a tattoo and I don’t want anything to do with you.

THE TOWN MOVIE REVIEW

THE TOWN (2010)

I met a cute girl at the bar the other night and we started talking about many cool things like extraterrestrials, the Loch Ness Monster and the Abominable Snowman.

After a while we ran out of things to say so we started talking about Ben Affleck and his receding hairline. She mentioned she saw “The Town” and that everyone died at the end of it.

For me that’s more than enough information to know this movie rocks hard core. This girl had a good head on her shoulders and could probably pass a lie detector test.

Now if I can just find more women to tell me the ending of movies it will make my job as a movie reviewer that much easier. And then I can concentrate on important things like finding the Yeti and uncovering the truth about Roswell.

AMERICAN GANGSTER MOVIE REVIEW

AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007)

When I was in eighth grade I played laser tag for my birthday. It was the worst birthday of my life. I lost to Uncle Ray who has one leg, and his daughter/my cousin, Samantha, who has glaucoma of the eyes.

I'm not sure how they won, but I assume they paid someone off.

After that birthday I realized if I ever was a cop I would have a desk job. That is because you can never get shot at a desk job. And more importantly you can never lose at laser tag.

Cops on the streets have tons of guns. They are always shooting people and pit bulls, but sometimes they get shot themselves.

That is what I thought UNTIL I saw “American Gangster.”

Now I realize that in order to be a cop you only need to know how to take pictures.

There are so many scenes in this movie of cops taking photos of criminals meeting other criminals. I counted five total, but I may be wrong. In my book that is a lot of picture-taking.

In order to prepare for this movie I know that Russell Crowe took photography lessons. I would like to see his work. I bet it is just like Ansel Adams, but without all the stupid scenery.

One of my favorite scenes in “American Gangster” is when Crowe is looking at a bunch of his photographs that are on a corkboard. He gets up and moves a few pictures around. I couldn't believe it. It was intense.

Another amazing scene is when Crowe sees Denzel Washington standing outside his car. He pulls out a camera and takes a picture.

Part of me just wanted Denzel to turn around and take a picture of Crowe. It would be like a stand off without the guns. They would be taking photos of each other until they ran out of film.

The most dangerous part of a camera standoff would be the flash. Looking into the flash could damage your eyes forever. That is why everyone wears sunglasses, especially cops.

I don't think cameras can kill anyone unless it is a camera with a bullet in it. I have never been shot with one of those cameras. If I did I would probably be dead.

GONE BABY GONE MOVIE REVIEW

GONE BABY GONE (2007)

Any movie about abductions hits home for me.

I have been abducted three times, twice by aliens.

The other time was by my mother who made me go shopping with her. Any time you have to go shopping with a woman it is worse than being held hostage by aliens and having probes stuck in your brain.

That is because women have no concept of time or money. Neither of these grow on trees, but women think they do.

If there was a tree made of money don’t you think I would be climbing it every day? I’ve only climbed one tree in my life and it was when I was six-years-old. I ended up breaking my leg and spleen.

When I got healthy I ended up taking an axe to that tree and cutting it down. I have never derived so much pleasure in my life than the moment when that tree came crashing to the ground.

That is why revenge is so sweet.

Next up on my revenge list are the aliens and my mother, especially if they try to abduct me again.

CAPOTE MOVIE REVIEW

CAPOTE (2005)

If you like people with funny voices then this movie is for you. This man has an even funnier name - Truman Capote – which is obviously fake.

When Capote was in college he couldn’t get into bars because he was always getting carded by bouncers. That is when he got a fake ID with that fake name on it.

I know because it happened to me. My fake ID name is Dick Tator, but I can’t use it anymore because the police confiscated my license.

I have a major inkling that this Truman Capote was a sneaky Pete before he got his fake ID. He probably had his fraternity brothers sneaking him into bars through the back door. Or they probably paid off the bouncers to get him into a dance club. I know this just by looking at his face. He is a weasel.

Even though he is a weasel he has a lot of friends because he has a really bad lisp and smokes like a waitress at IHOP.

His friends are always asking him to talk and talk. The great thing about him is that he does.

That is why Truman Capote is so awesome. I would invite him to my birthday parties and have him talk about nothing.

Think about it. Whenever you go to a party the best part is when someone inhales helium balloons and starts talking. Bar none. Truman Capote is a walking and talking helium balloon. That is how he made all his money. His agent billed him as the Human Helium Balloon.

After the party, I would bring this Capote guy to some lecture hall and have him read the Declaration of Independence. People would be rolling in their seats and kind of getting a history lesson at the same time.

Then I would have him appear on television and declare war on some country. No one would believe him and if they did at least they wouldn’t be scared because any guy with his voice is not scary.

Other things he would be perfect for include, but are not limited to, doing play by play for the Minnesota Timberwolves and being the ring announcer for WWE wrestling matches.

Truman Capote’s voice is an untapped resource in our country. Only three people I know have good voices. They are: Clay Aiken, Mickey Mouse, and Burt Reynolds. Thanks to this movie Truman Capote is now on that list.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN MOVIE REVIEW

-->

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007)

I see the title of this movie and think only one thing: RIGHT ON!

Old people get so many perks in life, why should they get their own country?

They already have their own state, Florida. I went there five years ago with my parents and will never go there again. That state smells like a combination of cottage cheese and a nursing home.

When I got home from that trip, I did a lot of scientific research on old people and made an amazing list about why they are bad. I have never shown my parents this list because they are old.

This is the first time I am releasing this information to the public.

Why Old People Are Bad

1. They wear big hats
2. They never shower
3. They support railroads
4. They always use cash
5. They take forever in the bathroom and like to stink it up hardcore
6. They hate awesome things like Doritos, teeth and chocolate
7. Their hair and fingernails are always falling into my soup
8. They are always climbing ladders
9. There are so many of them
10. They are bad ice skaters

Now you tell me: is there anything good about old people?