CAST AWAY (2000)
Women are always trying to lose weight, especially fat women.
Believe me, I know. I’ve been slapped millions of times in the face after a woman tells me she’s on a diet and I burst out laughing.
Diets don’t work because women are always cooking. And when they are not cooking they are eating what they cook. That’s why god invented kitchens so women have a place to go.
I’ve thought long and hard about trying to come up with the perfect diet to no avail. The reason, of course, is that women have no will power.
That’s what I thought until I watched Cast Away this past weekend. This is a must-see for every woman in the entire world because it shows exactly how YOU can shed those unwanted pounds.
It’s simple! All you have to do is board a plane and have it take you to a deserted island where you will have to live alone for the next 5 to 10 years eating coconuts, leaves and rain water.
I’m in the process of patenting this diet and I hope to offer my readers a chance to participate in this weight loss program shortly. So please send me all your money so I can give you the figure you have always dreamed of having.
Skippy, I tried to wire money to your account but apparently the account has been closed. I spoke to your bank and they told me your account is overdrawn and they asked if I know where you are now living. I told them probably in a mansion somewhere since you are the premiere movie critic of our time, but they seemed to think you were last living in the group home across the street from the gas station. Please tell me which one it is so I can mail you my money.
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