January 24, 2013


FLIGHT (2012)

This is a great, great movie about Denzel Washington’s life before he became an actor. Obviously, most stupid people think Denzel Washington was always an actor which is what Hollywood wants you to believe.

But he wasn’t. First he was a baby. Immediately after that he became a pilot, flying a bunch of cool airplanes around the world.

Because Denzel was so good at flying planes he got to his destinations so quickly he had a lot of free time on his hands.

Sometimes free time is good. In Denzel’s case it was really bad and he was doing many, many horrible things I can never mention. A lot of this is between me and him and involves drugs and alcohol and staying up way past his bedtime.

Unlike me, Denzel didn’t have his parents around to ground him or spank him so he could get away with whatever he wanted. My parents are always spanking me so much that I now have permanent tattoos of their hands on my butt. That’s why I never go to the beach.

Many times Denzel went to the beach when he shouldn’t have, like when he didn’t do the dishes at home or when the ocean was way too cold and sharks were everywhere.

He thought he was invincible! This is a major shame because nobody I know is invincible except Keenan and Kel and The Country Bears and Simon Birch and a woman my friend once dated called Can’t Kill Kim. Unlike them, Denzel is human and he paid the ultimate price in the 1970's when he flew a plane full of humans upside down and crashed it while high on a bunch of bad drugs and caffeine.

It was all over the news and I will describe it in graphic detail so you all know how bad it was: there was a lot of fires, plane wings, blood, and people screaming. If you think I’m lying you’re an idiot. My dad was on that plane which is why this is the most difficult movie review for me to write.

I remember going to the court case with my dad and us holding up signs that said, “Lock Him Up And Throw Away The Key. Please!” and “Off With His Head. Please!” and “Kill Him. Pretty Please!” It was a lot of fun.

They ended up putting Denzel in jail for a long time. While in prison he watched a lot of inspirational videos on how to act featuring the greats like Dom DeLuise and Mr. Belvedere.

By the time Denzel got out out jail he had been bitten by the acting bug and Hollywood was abuzz. He signed with an awesome agent, landed a role as the dad on The Cosby Show and turned his life around. The rest, as they say, is history.

That’s why this movie is a must-see because it shows that even if you fly a plane upside down, crash it and kill a lot of people your life is not over. Unless you died in the plane crash. Then I think it is. 

No comments: