December 13, 2009


TITANIC (1997)

I lost my best friend Larry Leddy because he ruined this movie for me.

While we were waiting in line a fat guy cut in front of us. I know he was fat because I looked at him. Larry yelled at him and said, "You are going down like the Titanic" and pushed him to the ground.

I laughed a lot and pointed at him with my finger. The fat guy still ended up getting his ticket before us and a free popcorn.

Meanwhile we ended up getting kicked out of the theater without seeing the movie. This is the fourth theater in three weeks I have been kicked out of through no fault of my own.

1. The first time was not my fault. My mom made breakfast burritos before we went to see the matinee of Flubber.

That combined with the humor in this movie turned me into a fart machine. I guess the other patrons did not enjoy this because they complained to the manager. He said I can only come back when I get medical clearance from my family physician. Until then I can only imagine how Flubber ended.

2. The second time was also not my fault. I went to see Marius et Jeannette.

Unbeknownst to me this movie had a lot of subtitles. I looked around and saw a lot of old ladies with glasses squinting at the screen. I decided to be polite and read the subtitles out loud for them.

Unfortunately, someone got mad and complained to the manager who threw me out. He said I can only come back for movies without subtitles. I asked him if that includes movies with credits because technically credits are subtitles. He said I was being a wise guy and could never come back.

3. The third time was sort of my fault. I was lucky enough to see one of the greatest movies of all time on opening night: Mousehunt.

Unfortunately, a French couple was in front of me making out. I'm pretty sure that is what the French are known for. They invented some sort of gross kiss that everyone else copies.

After seeing them flaunt it in front of me, I started crumpling up napkins and aiming it at their popcorn. A few times I landed direct hits and I saw them eat paper. Then they kissed some more. 

Because of my success I got greedy and crumpled up one more napkin and landed a direct hit at their head. The manager threw me out and said I could only come back on No Napkin Night at the theater. I didn't know they had that.

After getting kicked out of Titanic, I realized I was on a roll. As we walked back to the car I told Larry I needed to plan the next theater to get kicked out of. I wanted to break the all time record. Unfortunately, he wasn't listening because he kept repeating the line he said to the fat guy – "You are going down like the Titanic."

I laughed with him and then asked what that even meant. What he told me next sealed the deal for me. It is why Larry Leddy and Skippy Harris are ex-friends for life.


He said he pushed the guy down to the ground just like the Titanic sunk to the bottom of the ocean after hitting an iceberg, When I heard this I screamed. I asked Larry why he would do this. Why would he give away the ending?! He lied and said everyone knows the ending.

I told him if that is the truth, how come I didn't. After that I pushed him down to the ground like the Titanic and ran all the way home (134 miles) without stopping. I did this with tears on my cheeks.

I will tell you this. Larry was wrong, but he is not the only one. Someone who worked on this film leaked the ending to the press. Once the press got a hold of it, it spread like wildfire and now everyone knows the ending before they have even seen the movie.

And who wants to know the ending of a movie before seeing? Not me. That is for damn sure.

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