December 16, 2009



I wanted to see this movie because I don't like flowers. They are for sissies and cry babies. I've had a blood feud against flowers for a long, long time. The one thing in the world that makes me happy is broken flowers. That is why I knew I would enjoy this movie so much.

My mom and dad always made me plant roses in the yard when I was young. I can remember so many thorns sticking in my sides and hands. I was a human porcupine and that is a medical fact.

I prepared for this movie by listening to Dr. Dre's "The Chronic." I put it on repeat and just kept bobbing my head and throwing my hands in the air. I was in the zone. I couldn't believe it.

The last time I was in the zone like that I went to Dairy Queen two weeks ago and downed 8 blizzards in a row. My head felt like it was going to freeze to death but I didn't even care. Why? Because I was in the zone.

Unfortunately, this movie has nothing to do about destroying flowers. I know the easiest way to destroy flowers is to shoot guns at them.

I tried to buy an Uzi sub machine gun once but I guess they are illegal where I live. I wrote to my senator and told him I could probably mow down tons of flowers and plants with an Uzi.

Flowers are everywhere and they hurt me so bad that it hurts. Just like love. I'd like the JJ Geils Band to sing a power ballad about flowers, love and Uzi sub machine guns.

I never got to see this movie because I asked the cashier if there were in fact any broken flowers in this movie. She said no, it is about a man who is trying to find his son. I immediately stopped her. I told her I don't want to see a remake of "Benji Come Home" with humans.

I then told her she could keep her stupid movie ticket. The cashier lady said something in Spanish to me so I threatened to deport her if she said anything else. I don't know if I could have legally deported her, but she stopped talking.

We then had a stare down in the lobby of the movie theater. It felt so intense just like the Wild Wild West. Man, I felt like Buffalo Bill Cody. If only I had a six shooter and a ten gallon hat. We could have had a Mexican stand off. It was just like out of that show "Deadwood."

I've never seen that show, but I know it is about cowboys, Indians, gold and horses. They had a lot of stare downs back then over serious stuff like beer and money. I don't have a lot of money, but I know that 80 percent of my body is probably made up of Natty Light and grain alcohol. And if I was alive in the Wild Wild West everyone would want to kill me because of all the beer I had inside of me.

As far as this movie goes, I did get to see the poster. It has the man, Bill Murray, on it. I'm going to write him and ask him if he can tell me exactly what "Broken Flowers" is about. That way I can write a movie review about it.

No comments: