October 23, 2009


BREAKIN’ (1984)

Whoever named this movie is a horrible man. Breaking anything is a bad thing. Promoting the act of breaking anything is even worse.

Sometimes when you break something you get hurt, bad. One time I was chasing after a girl I liked, but she did not like me. That is why she was running real fast and yelling, “Help!”

Some people call that stalking, but I call it love. Well, this time love lost out and now I have a restraining order out against me. The icing on the cake? I broke my leg by tripping over a sewer grate.

Breaking your leg is not fun. It hurts, especially when you don’t have health insurance. If that happens to you, I recommend buying a lot of ice and putting it on your leg. Do not, I repeat, do not go to Mexico. The doctors in that country will cut your leg off and sell it on the black market. Believe me, I know because it happened to me.

Other things I have broken include my mom’s snow globe because I wanted to see if there was real snow inside. There isn’t any snow in those globes and I have written a letter to the manufacturer to complain about false advertising. I have yet to hear from them, but you know they will be hearing from my lawyers.

I have broken many, many hearts of the opposite sex. I estimate the number is in the low millions, but I stopped counting after 73 because my head was about to explode. I took three aspirin after that and it stopped my head from exploding.

One time I broke the law, but no one ever caught me. When I got home though, my mom knew from the look on my face that I did something wrong so she whooped my butt real bad.

I broke the handle to the toilet once. That was not a pretty scene. Water and other things I can’t mention was everywhere. I lost my favorite pair of socks walking in that stuff.

You name it, I have broken it. Water bottles, bananas, shoelaces, candy corn, paper, river rafts, fool’s gold, a dinosaur exhibit at the Smithsonian, a model airplane my dad worked on for three weeks, promises (only three times though) and a fingernail.

That is why I do not recommend this movie, no matter what. Every time I have broken something, it has ended badly, not just for me, but for the entire world.

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