October 20, 2009



Ultimatums are very bad things. I know because my mom is always giving me them.

She always tells me to clean my room or else. My response is usually "Or else what?" because I don't know what "or else" means, but I know it can not be good. Ever.

Sometimes Mom tells me what to do when I come home drunk from the Hooters. After an expensive meal in a good environment I don't want to take her nagging so I just throw empties at her and say "You clean it up." I can do that because I am 32 and I don't care.

But sometimes Mom gets me so mad. Her and Dad refused to take me to see this movie until I changed the kitty litter. I bent down for 20 minutes and pretended to change the litter, but all I did is hide the cat's poop under some clean litter. No one will ever know and it saved me a lot of work.

Afterwards I realized that my mom had just given me an ultimatum. This was it:

• If I changed the kitty litter THEN I could go to the movies.

• If I didn't THEN I couldn't.

And I realized that I am just like the main character in the movie: Jason Bourne. If you look at me quickly and from a distance I do look like him. I've had people tell me this.

And just like this Jason Bourne my Mom's ultimatum made me so angry.

I ran out of the house and went down to O'Doyle's Pond and turned into a killing machine. I started throwing rocks at ducks and squirrels. I was pegging them off one by one.

When a bird flew by I told him he was a stupid head and I threatened to pull his beak off if he got near me. Needless to say he didn't fly near me again.

I was unstoppable. Just like Jason Bourne.

That is why ultimatums are so dangerous. If you give someone like me or Jason Bourne one, it is like playing with fire so you better have a long hose with lots of water.

Or just don't give us ultimatums. It is your choice. Especially you, Mom.

No comments: