November 11, 2009



This movie is about a 40-year-old guy who has never had sex in his life. There are tons of 40-year-old female virgins, but I'm pretty sure that the 40-year-old male virgin is like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.

There are lots of rumors of them existing, but no one has ever seen one and photographed one.

While much of my adult life has been devoted to looking for Bigfoot, I have never looked for a 40-year-old male virgin.

I think that's because they don't exist.

Just to look for a 40-year-old male virgin you'd probably need about 20 top notch scientists from MIT and a lot of excavating materials like shovels, pick axes and a backhoe.

You would also need at least $100 million dollars and only two people have that much money in the world – Donald Trump and Russell Simmons . I wish I knew them bad. I'd ask them straight up, "Do you guys want to find some 40-year-old male virgins?" I know they would say yes.

If there were a lot of 40-year-old virgins I would be so rich. Here is why:

I'm already a role model to the youth of America. I play video games all the time and I never change my underwear. Kids love that sort of stuff. I also never wash my hands and I love to pick my nose. I wipe my boogers under my desk. My booger pile is huge.

On top of this, I am such a sex expert it's not funny. I am in the process of inventing something similar to the pedometer, but it's called the bangometer.

You wear it on your wrist and it keeps count of how many times you bang chicks. The bangometer will keep all of your stats as well. You'll be able to see what day of the week you bang the most chicks, how long you bang them for and it comes in three different colors: black, white and blue.

The bangometer is one of the most important inventions in my life. It's revolutionary.

Because I am so good at sex, I would be a guru to 40-year-old virgins. I'd host seminars for them in Orlando and Vegas. I'd try to be like Anthony Robbins. The first thing I would concentrate on would be my teeth. Perfect teeth are a requirement to be a successful motivational speaker.

I would share some of my successful pick up lines that I've used in the past at bars and clubs:

  1. I'm not interested in hearing you talk.
  2. I could lift you up and throw you out this window.
  3. I'd like you to spend the night so you can cook me breakfast tomorrow morning.

I'd also hand out my own brand of hair gel, Skippy's Beautiful Hair Gel, and black sharpies to everyone who attended my seminar.

I'm always autographing women's breasts at bars and gas stations with my sharpie. Women love this, especially if they are wasted. I think they find it romantic.

So this is what this whole movie is about. A 40-year-old virgin who needs someone like me in his life. If you need me in your life please email me. I would like to start hosting seminars sometime soon.

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