June 17, 2009



I saw this movie by mistake. I thought "Sky High" was in the movie theaters, but it’s not out until next weekend. "Sky High" is going to be amazing. I am going to be the first to see it. I’m always the first to see everything out of my friends and family. I don’t even have to get permission to see it. I just do it. This is a total slap in the face to authority.

That’s why everyone is always jealous of me. I’m not a poser or faker. I don’t mean to brag, but I probably could get into Sky High if it was a real high school. I think some of my superhero features would be my hair, my good looks, my muscles and my brain. As a superhero I would probably just stay at home and shoot things with my superhero powers. I wouldn’t even need a maid because I’d be so fast at cleaning stuff up. Superheroes are always fast. That is one of their requisites.

My at home superhero outfit would probably just be my underwear and my Garfield nightshirt. I don’t think I could afford a real superhero outfit. They are overpriced and made by companies like Versace and DKNY. That’s why you don’t see a lot of superheroes on the streets these days. The costumes alone are like a zillion dollars. A zillion is ten times a billion.

One time I counted to ten thousand three hundred eighty-two. I stopped because my brain was going to explode. If your brain is ever going to explode, put your head in a bucket of ice for about two days. And also put Neosporin in your ears and eyes to block the explosion from happening. If you don’t have Neosporin, use cotton.

Here is how my superhero powers would be broken down:


My hair is so amazing. I think if I tried, I could make it stick out straight and make it sharp as a razor blade. I’d shoot my hair into people’s necks. It could be like a poisonous blow dart and kill people instantly. Another thing my hair would do is make girls jealous. They would say "Wow, your hair is beautiful" and I could get girls to cut and brush my hair. Haircuts are so expensive these days that this would be an awesome super power.


Most women work in retail stores. This is because those jobs don't require much of a brain. When I walk into the store the first thing a chick would think is "Who is this hot guy?" As you know I look like a young Robert Redford. What my looks would do is shoot off this invisible ray that would penetrate a woman's skin and force her to be at my beckon command. I would only use this power for good things such as getting stuff for free in retail stores.


I would use this to lift things like a car or a big building. You never know when you might need to do this, especially if you are stuck in traffic or running from the FBI.


I would use my brain power to get on TV shows like "Jeopardy" and "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire". I would answer the questions before they were even asked. I'd totally destroy that pompous jerk Ken Jennings. I'd tool on him during the commercial breaks and then show him up in final Jeopardy. I'd want to make him cry like a little baby.

I would be such an awesome superhero I'd probably need a sidekick. I'd probably hold auditions for my sidekick like "American Idol".

The judges would obviously be Judge Judy (legally, you have to have one real judge on a show like this), Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss. I think Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss would be cool to have as judges because they would fight more than Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. Plus, Heidi Fleiss is an awesome speaker.

The only city I wouldn't hold auditions in is the Midwest because I've never heard of any superheroes coming from the Midwest.

Man, I want to be a superhero real bad.

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