October 5, 2009



Stephen Spielberg should be ashamed of himself. Over the past month I challenged him on chat rooms and message boards all over the Internet to a winner take all Battle Royal in the parking lot of the local cineplex.

He didn’t show. Surprise, surprise.

This is proof positive that Spielberg is all talk. Everyone knows Spielberg is overrated and better than nothing.

If he did show I was planning on grabbing him by the beard and never letting go. That beard is one of the reasons so many critics despise the man. I know for a fact that there are probably insects in his beard. What a disgrace.

Here are some other reasons, based upon research, that people are fed up with Spielberg:

  1. He hates aliens. All of his movies (E.T., Color Purple, Hook and Munich to name a few) are just provoking aliens to attack us which means he will be to blame if any of us get abducted or worse.
  2. He has never appeared on American Idol, yet continues to have music in his movies. That is a double standard.
  3. Supposedly he is short although I can’t tell when I see him on TV. If he is short that is all the more reason to not go to an amusement park with Spielberg.
  4. I bet his glasses are not even prescription which makes me sick to my stomach. It makes you wonder why he’s hording all these eyeglasses for himself.
  5. He is the worst swimmer in the world. I’ve never seen him in a pool or doing handstands or playing Marco Polo. You tell me: is this the type of person you want over your house right after you slipped and hit your head on the diving board, fell into the pool, were gasping for breath and asking for help?
  6. No one ever dresses up as Spielberg for Halloween. His costume ranks dead last in sales, far behind the top grossers like Jabba the Hutt, Bernie Madoff and Mariah Carey.

This last one is the nail in the coffin for me. If no one wants to be you for Halloween then there is a big big problem. It tells me that people refuse to give Spielberg candy especially on the greatest night of the year when candy is free. This makes me wonder why Spielberg is always eating it.

I intend to find out.

And when I do I will take his candy from him and give it to the masses, but most of it I'll probably eat myself.

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