MOVIE TIPS

MOVIE TIPS

As an expert at movies, I am often asked for advice on how to make the movie going experience more enjoyable for everyone.

The following are just a few rules I live by everyday of my life. I have them posted above my bed so I will never forget them. If you do the same, it will open a whole new world you never knew existed.

1. Movies like "Country Bears" and "Simon Birch" come along once in a lifetime. Cherish them while you can.
2. Whenever I hear a cell phone go off in a movie, I always check mine just in case. That's how real movies are.
3. The guy who butters your popcorn has the best job in the world, but it's a job that requires extensive training, discipline and mental tenacity. That's why you should thank him every day of your life.
4. Become friends with the manager of the movie theater. He can get you front row tickets.
5. If a theater is full and you can't find a seat, there's only one option: fart. You will find one immediately.
6. The film projector room is just like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster. I know it exists, but I have never seen it.
7. If a tall person sits in front of you at the movie theater, politely tap him on the shoulder and tell him you can't see with his big fat head in your way. Nine times out of ten, he will move his big fat head or he may punch you in the face and then move his big fat head. Either way, you have accomplished your goal.
8. Doctors in the movies are better than doctors in real life. They don't ask you to take your clothes off, question your eating habits, or make you bend over and stick things where they shouldn't be stuck.
9. When I'm in the bathroom, please don't ask me what I thought of the movie. I'm thinking of only one thing and it has nothing to do with the movie.
10. If there is a long line to get into a movie that you want to see, pretend you are handicapped. People will feel sorry for you and let you go first. That's why I recommend keeping an extra pair of crutches in your car.