April 2, 2009



If I were a king, I wouldn't want to be the King of Sweden or Brazil. I would want to be the King of Chocolate. Imagine how powerful I would be. If a country like Syria ever double crossed me, I would stop all exports of chocolate to Syria. That would cripple Syria's economy.

Judicially, I would put people to death in a pit of chocolate, like quicksand, but only worse. My whole belief is chocolate by the people, for the people and of the people.

Every meal I have would be chocolate based. Dollars and coins would be chocolate. Have you ever bit into a quarter or dime? It's gross. Imagine biting a chocolate quarter to see if it's real. There would be no counterfeiting ever again.

A lot of people are following my advice. We are moving slowly towards a country based on chocolate. Think of that thing called edible undies. What is it made of? CHOCOLATE! I've never worn them, but I would love to have a suit of chocolate. I'd eat myself alive if I had one of those.

The reason Halloween is so popular is because of chocolate. Think about it! Every major holiday I get some form of chocolate as a gift.

I sleep, think, eat, breathe, and bleed chocolate, with my whole body. There are some people who think the same as me – they are known as diabetics. They have eaten so much chocolate they can't eat anymore. They've reached their legal limit, but I know they want more. And as King of Chocolate Land I would give them much much more.

Medically speaking, I can't live without chocolate. Right now I sleep in a bed of chocolate. That way I don't have to get up if I want to get a midnight snack. I just roll over and bite my pillow.

Chocolate is so popular they had to remake this movie. This movie was the best movie of 2005 because it is all about chocolate. I know it will sweep the Oscars. I know the Oscar trophy is made of chocolate and that the Oscar Academy is a secret society of chocolate lovers like the Skulls. I want to rule their world.

As King of Chocolate World I would make so many speeches about chocolate. My critics would not be able to handle the truth. They would tremble in fear. I already have my first speech written. Here is my favorite excerpt:

I have a dream! I have a dream that some day little boys and girls will all be able to walk hand in hand eating chocolate bars and drinking chocolate milk everyday without fear of punishment from their parents. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be made of dark chocolate, every hill and mountain shall be made of white chocolate, the rough places will be fields of chocoberries and the crooked places will be made of chocolate bunnies, and the glory of chocolate shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. Chocolate is our only hope. I have a dream!

Everyone would be so pumped up it would be incredible. No one would know what to do except to cheer and bark like dogs. It would be insanity.

If you seriously want me to be your Chocolate King write to your elected representatives and let them know how mad you are. Those people don't want to give you chocolate. I do. I promise.

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