May 17, 2009



Fair warning to anyone who might want to see this movie – it is not the sequel to "Country Bears." I realized this about twenty minutes in.

I was demoralized. It was like a bad dream that I could not stop. I kept punching my head repeatedly and rocking myself gently saying "Why? Why? Why?"

After my initial shock, I rushed into the bathroom covered in popcorn butter and Snickers bars and cried for a good hour on the toilet. One guy heard me crying and asked if I was okay. I told him to leave me the hell alone.

I also heard two teenagers talking about one of their teachers: Mr. Nordberg. Apparently Mr. Nordberg suspended them for three days because they cheated on their History test.

All I know is these two kids do not like Mr. Nordberg and used some very very bad words to describe him. From what I gathered Mr. Nordberg is fat, bald, really old and a combination of swear words that begin with F, A and S. I'd like to meet their English teacher to find out what some of these words mean.

If you know Mr. Nordberg let me know. I am curious to see what he looks like. He sounds like a hybrid of a werewolf, a bag of rocks and the Elephant Man. I am really glad he is not my teacher.

After I finished crying I went back into the movie theater. I only saw the last thirty minutes. The whole movie is about bears but not the Country Bears so in my mind it is a total fraud.

I even yelled that at the screen. Some guy told me to shut up so I told him to shut up back. I also asked him if he ever heard of the first amendment. He didn't say anything after that.

I bet he doesn't even know what the first amendment is. I learned about that from the Jenny Jones Show. It was the episode where Nancy, a 15 year-old girl from Des Moines, was dressing really slutty in school. Nancy's mom did not approve.

At one point a rude audience member told Nancy to shut up. Nancy said she didn't have to shut up because of the first amendment.

From that point on I always use the first amendment when someone tells me to shut up. Even though Nancy taught me a lot about the law that day, I don't dress slutty.

The only good thing about this movie is that it made me want to fight a bear. I have seen a lot of old black and white videos of guys boxing bears in a ring. I know I could do that with all my heart. I would totally win.

Here's why – this movie showed me what bears really do every day. All they do is swim in the water, try to find fish and sleep.

Not once did I see a bear in a boxing ring. No boxing gloves, no punching bag, no jump rope, no referees. Nothing. Not even an awesome announcer like Michael Buffer. I would have bet all my money that most bears would love Michael Buffer.

But I was dead wrong. These bears don't know the first thing about boxing. I would smoke them so fast. My main punch is an uppercut, but I'd stick them with a lot of jabs. I'd lead with my right and then tie them up on the ropes. The other thing I would do is bob and weave.

You think a bear could handle that? As I type this right now, I am clenching my fists throwing body blows into the air. It's really hard to type and throw punches at the same time, but I guarantee you that no bear could go twelve rounds with me.

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